Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I've got Death on the brain.

*SIGH* I've literally made myself sick over it (stomach ache AND a head ache today). My grandmother is going in for her hip replacement surgery next week. It's just reminding me that she is vulnerable, that she is human, that no one lives forever. I used to live in a world of denial...a world where, for the most part, people I knew just DIDN'T die. (other than my grandmother who passed when I was 13, I had not really experienced "death"). Then as an adult of 24 years, my grandfather died. Well, it was a shock (not expected, as he was only in his 60's at the time) but still, it's your grandfather. It's upsetting. And yet, you KNOW you will see your grandparents die. You know that, right?

Then Dad got sick. Terminally. I still can't describe to anyone, not even in writing, the way my insides felt when he said, "April, I have cancer." I can try to describe it, I guess: It's partially that feeling you get at a fair/carnival on the ride where the floor drops out from beneath you and literally, your stomach plunges. It's the feeling of nausea, whether from alcohol or illness, and the subsequant puking afterwards--that pull and heave of your insides. It's a pain in your heart--like the feeling of a sharp-tipped arrow piercing the most tender, the most fragile, part of your whole body. Like the pain of stepping barefoot on shards of glass. It's kinda like that--and NOTHING like that. Do you get me? It's indescribeable.

And then Dad died. And that world of mine was in a serious upheaval, despite the fact that we knew Death was coming. It had already tap, tap, tapped at his door and it was just a matter of time before Dad had finally opened it wide. And the day Death took him from us, it was a beautiful day. Balmy, the sun a glorious lemon-yellow orb in the bluest of skies, no clouds to mar the beauty of it. Like a final slap in the face, that's what that weather was. Where were the angry clouds? The dark, raging purple-tinged skies? Where was the downpour, the heavy pounding of rain like tears upon our cheeks?

Okay, I'm totally digressing as I feel it all over again. What started this whole speech is that I'm worried about my mother. Her health continues it's slow yet steady decline. Despite the fact that I have NO IDEA when her time will be, I worry it will come sooner than I am mentally prepared for. Mom is fifty three years old. She's already outlived Dad, who died at fifty one, four years ago. I want her to last another ten, twenty years. Can I have that? Please? I want her to see me get married, to fill in for Daddy who can't walk me down the aisle. I want my mother to see her grandchildren being born, growing, hear them call her "Nana". Something that was taken from my own father. Before he died, Dad told me he was sorry he would never get to hold his grandchild in his arms. Is that too much to ask for my mother? Am I being selfish for wanting this when some people don't have this at all?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Yuck...I've got something on my eyeball! It's bothering me. I'm trying to create some tears to flush out whatever it is. Tell me something SAD....

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Holy Crap. Ever had a bad day NOT becuz one big major thing happened, but, moreso becuz a bunch of little itty bitty things smooshed together to make your day hell? Today is one of those days! I'm not going to mention EVERYTHING that has irritated me today but let me just give you an example. Here was my lunchbreak today:

I had to run out and get lunch today cuz (1) I have no food at home and (2) today of all days I was absolutely RAVENOUS. Shaking with hunger. On the way out on the DAMN Berlin Turnpike, I get stuck in traffic from all the construction (AND asshole drivers) on the road. I'm silently mother-f'ing everyone until ten minutes later, I make it to the ATM. Wait in line for two cars ahead of me, finally, my turn. Put card in machine. Get message, "This ATM is temporarily out of service." GOD DAMN. So I turned myself around and went back OUT onto the stinkin' turnpike and head up to...ugh...McDonald's. I had originally told myself I was going to get a salad but aggravation (spurred on by the old bitch in the Ram truck spitting out diesel fumes who cut me OFF) is raging in me and I said, "Screw it! I want a cheeseburger and a milkshake!!!" So I waste ANOTHER ten minutes driving to McDonald's, which is OFF the turnpike, thank god, this time NOT so silently mother f'ing my fellow drivers. I go to turn INTO the lot and lo and behold the sign: CLOSED FOR RENOVATIONS. Now, at this point, I was on the phone with my mother and a string of obscenities flew from my mouth vulgar enough to make a truck driver proud. And then, as I turned back onto Kitts Lane (where I work) I burst into tears (keep in mind that I'm EXCEPTIONALLY emotional and moody today). My mom was like, "April, just go to Burger King or something." I refused at that point to go back onto the turnpike and said, "Screw it (didnt' I already say screw it?!?!) I'm going to Starbucks to get my Pumpkin Spice Latte and I'll get something bad to eat there!" So off I went, to Starbucks in the center of Newington, mother f'ing the world about how much gas I was wasting. I got there and ordered my Pumpkin Spice Latte--the only thing at this point to cheer me up--and a toffee almond bar (something I NORMALLY would say NO to) and then as an after thought, some nuts cuz I knew without protein I would continue shaking. I got back into the truck to drive, trying to ignore the rest of the assholes on the road, thinking, "Who cares! I got my latte!" I put it to my lips and took a long, savoring swig and---what the HELL!?!?!?? It was a plain god damned latte! Emotional April I was, my eyes welled up AGAIN and I started swearing like a truck driver AGAIN!!! Needless to say, my lunch break was pretty much OVER by this point so I drank my disgusting tasteless latte and went back to work, shaking like a leaf.

DAMN IT.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Well, I did it.

I emailed Admissions at SJC and asked some questions and she responded and said there is an Open House this October 21st if I was interested in attending. So I registered for it today! Eek! I'm nervous.

I don't know what I'm doing. Will anything comes out of this? Who knows.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Wow. I just read an amazing book. "The World According to Garp" by John Irving. It's QUITE an older novel and I am probably sounding behind the times for JUST NOW reading it, but it was well worth the wait.

It was so "out there" and the plot twisted so much, that I was literally captivated and had trouble putting it down quite a few times. That John Irving...man his brain must be warped. LOL I only hope I can write such a different, whacky, enthralling novel someday!
Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks...yup, today's a good day...

Friday, September 15, 2006

*SIGH* I know I've spoken about this before...maybe even on this blog here...the school-bug is back in my head. I've thought on and off for like the past two years about going back to school. It's something I toss around in my head but never really sat down to wrap my brain around. I'm not satisfied with my job (I've been doing the same TYPE of job for about ten years, even though it's been at different companies) and feel that there is so much more I could be doing with myself. I could be doing a job--wait, a career--where I feel like I'm making a difference, where I feel like I'm GOING somewhere, instead of just standing still, or running in place.

Well, Stacey has now put it back into my head. She started her classes this term (I think she said she's going to SJC) and so far has been enjoying it. She said on the way home from class last night she was thinking about ME and how she knows I would enjoy this too, this opportunity to challenge and stimulate my mind. I also feel like my writing has definitely taken a back-burner lately so maybe I DO need some stimulation in that department. Even though my writing is nothing but a hobby for me right now, whose to say it couldn't also be part of a career someday?
I really would hate to look back at my life and think "Oh, if only..."...I don't ever want to feel like that, ya know? Unfortunately I'm not filthy stinkin' rich and I WILL have to work to live. Money does not grow on my tree, damnit. So, knowing that, why can't my work be something I ENJOY doing? Something I WANT to do until I retire?

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Mistakes.

People make them. Shit Happens (that's the best bumper sticker ever made, in my opinion). As long as it's not the end of the world, or someone DYING as a result...GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's what I wanted to tell a teacher here. No, I wasn't the one who MADE the mistake but the mistake impacted part of my job for today and the teacher of the clinic class was freaking out. I wanted to tell him to "CHILL OUT BUDDY. IT WILL BE OKAY."

Sheesh. Like I said previously, Shit Happens.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I really, really hate when people say one thing and do another, or they don't "follow through" with what they promised...I know that sounds really generic but I'm just leaving it at that. *GGGGRRRRRRRR* I'm cranky.
Okay, I know I frequently talk about my weight so I'm sorry if it bores you or sounds repetitive (if so, stop reading now! LOL), but I swear it's like a never-ending battle! It stresses me out! I am tired of feeling so damn pudgy and out of shape...

...on a good note, I DID go to the gym last night. And I did feel great afterwards. That should be my incentive, right? To make myself FEEL better! I guess I'll feel more inspired once I lose this stagnant ten pounds that is clinging to me like an overboard person clinging to the life raft. I've been playing with this same ten pounds, up and down, up and down, for quite a few months now. I'm ready to make it go away--permanantly!!!

Monday, September 11, 2006

This blogsite must be on a different time zone or something cuz I just noticed some of my past blogs...7:11am etc. Those are SO incorrect! There is no way in HELL I'm bloggin' at seven in the morning when I don't roll outta bed in the morning until 7:30am! LOL I don't get in to work until 9:15am! So no blog would be that early.

Phew! I'm ready for bed now. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
So I think I'm going to have a hard time getting into football.

I wanted to "broaden my horizons" and try to become interested in a sport this year. (Anyone who knows me knows how much I am NOT into sports!) Anyway, after some searching, I decided to focus on football (I don't care for basketball, softball or hockey). Learning about the game itself is not going to be a problem, nor is it going to be a problem for me to become interested in it. I already am. The games seem more exciting to me than other sports, more action packed and quick to change on a dime.

The PROBLEM is the fact that I have a hard time sitting still long enough to WATCH it! LOL I feel like there is so much I can be doing around the house that to sit on my tush, watching the game, feels like such I am wasting valuable time! I watched about a quarter of the Patriots game yesterday before I felt the itch in my fingertips...the housework itch! LOL I soon found myself doing laundry, cleaning the computer room from top to bottom, washing dishes in the kitchen...so I missed the rest of the game! Sheesh!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Ugh. I feel extremely bloated.

Damn period.

Damn Mexican food for lunch.

Is it nap time yet?????

Thursday, September 07, 2006

So, I'm trying to locate a friend I lost touch with years ago, Naomi Ingraham, and ALL I want is an email address but it's impossible to find! I keep finding multiple phone and home addresses but I have NO idea which one is hers, or if it's current. This is annoying! The internet is just TOO big sometimes when looking for something or someone so specific!

Anyway, last I knew, she lived in Branford, so I found a Branford address that I'm going to assume (hope!) is hers. I'm going to send her a letter and see what happens! :-)

Wednesday, September 06, 2006



And here are a couple more....



Oh, and almost forgot, here are a couple pictures from my camping trip in New Hampshire. I had a BLAST! We might go back again for the foliage (not camping) and maybe stay overnight. I really love New Hampshire!
I've only been at work at the MOST, an hour. And already I am tired of it.

This day is totally gonna suck. :-(

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

I am so, so very sad by this. :-(

John text messaged me a link to an article about it yesterday. I always loved Steve Irwin and used to watch the Crocodile Hunter like CRAZY about two years ago...it was almost an obsession and I used to try to tape the show if I was going to miss it. I'm not sure what the exact pull for me was, granted I LOVE animals and watching shows about them, but it was also, I think, Steve's enthusiasm for them and his love for them (even the snakes! eek!) which I found so captivating. And it was just so enthralling to watch him, a master at his game, a man who definitely knew his stuff. I do remember saying, "God, if he dies early, this will probably be the way he'll go." But I honestly didn't think he WOULD die. He seemed invincible!

Now, you're probably thinking, "Why is she so upset? It's not like she KNEW him or anything." I think hearing about Steve Irwin's death just brings closer to home for me, the reality of how short and precious life really is. It can be gone in an instant. So many things this year and last year have been reinforcing that in my brain. I told myself to start ENJOYING my life and LIVING it, instead of constantly wondering what lays ahead for me and what I "shoulda, coulda, woulda" been doing in my life. If there is a "good" point to any sad story like Steve's, it's that I fully believe he LIVED every day of his 44-year life. He had a wonderful family he loved, a passion for a "job" and did what he enjoyed every single day.

I am vowing to myself to use that as an example and stop the endless worrying about the material things (bills, houses, jobs, etc.) and concentrate more on having FUN and enjoying and loving the people in my life now. :-) It's a ride that I fully intend to enjoy and relish in, every dip, twist and turn that is coming my way....