Wednesday, November 14, 2007

It's been over five years since my Daddy died.

Some days I'm fine...I think of him in passing thoughts...something could trigger a memory...a song ("I was a lineman for the county"), a smell (Old Spice, a hard-working man, Fall smells), a photo on my wall (his smile, his lips, so much like my own). Other days are tough, I tear up at certain memories, both good ones and also the bad ones, when he was dying before our eyes.

Then there is today.

I was in a great mood today and on lunchtime I headed out to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription for my prenatal vitamins. The goofy smile on my face suddenly just melted off and the waterworks began. I imagined myself on my wedding day six months from now, without my Daddy. I imagined myself getting pregnant and wanting to share the news with everyone...except my father won't be here to hear it. So, I cried the whole ride to the pharmacy...I tried not to cry IN the pharmacy. I came out into the car and cried on the way to Starbucks. Then I cried (and felt ANGRY) some more on the way back to work. I called my Mom knowing I only had about ten minutes left of my lunch break but needing to talk to someone who would understand my feelings. I cried to her for the full ten minutes, angry and sad and just not understanding why MY Dad can't be here.

While she couldn't take away my grief, my Mom certainly made me feel better. When you lose someone it is VERY IMPORTANT to feel like other people truly understand and can empathize with those feelings. I know my Mom can do that. I tried so hard to be strong for HER through Dad's brief illness and death, but I think I pushed so many feelings down/away that they now come out in little eruptions that totally take me by surprise. Like today.

So, please, if you are reading this blog, squeeze your Moms and your (big, strong, cuddly) Dads and your hubbies and your children extra specially tight for me. Squeeze them like you may never get the chance again...and please appreciate the time you DO have with them.

I would give anything for one more squeeze-y Daddy hug.


Keri said...

I cannot express enough to you how much i feel your pain. Although my daddy hasn't passed, i feel some days such loss. Then i hear stories like yours and kick myself for not fighting to keep my daddy close. I'm sure you would give any thing in the world to have one more chance to speak to him, never mind those great 'safe-feeling' daddy hugs. the kind where every thing feels like it will work out.
Always remember... he is always right there next to you, holding your hand, getting ready for your big moment in his own way. He'll be with as you walk down that isle and also with you as you welcome your baby to the world.
I will find my daddy and rebuild, if for nothing else than to not have cheated my opportunity when deserving others don't have that same chance.
Tears, hugs, and support to you.

Smitty76 said...

All I can say, Keri, is to try to make peace. I don't know your situation but you have said your parents have not made an effort to be a part of your life...I say to still try. I tell that to another one of my friends who has a poor relationship with her father. Once our parents are gone, there is no getting the chance to say what we really feel. I do feel blessed that we *knew* Dad was dying becuz it gave us all an opportunity to say the things we wouldn't have normally said. However, I wish I could have said them any day. Now i tell my mom quite often that I love her and appreciate all she's done for me. I don't want to wait till it's too late. :-(
And thank you, I hope to feel Dad's presence on my wedding day...and hopefully I won't be a blubbering mess! lol

~**Dawn**~ said...

My Dad is still alive, but living 1200 miles away doesn't make it easy to say & show as much as I would. Neither does the fact that I call, even on *my* birthday, but rarely ever does anyone at home answer or return the message. I can tell you though that I miss my Gram (and my Gramp too), who might as well have been my mother, since she & my grandfather were more like parents to me. Sometimes it's the big things, the holidays or the special moments they aren't here for in a physical way, but more than that is when you wish you could just pick up the phone & ask a question, something little & mundane, and you can't. But I do believe that they watch over me & share my joy with me, every single day.