Wednesday, November 14, 2007
It's been over five years since my Daddy died.
Some days I'm fine...I think of him in passing thoughts...something could trigger a memory...a song ("I was a lineman for the county"), a smell (Old Spice, a hard-working man, Fall smells), a photo on my wall (his smile, his lips, so much like my own). Other days are tough, I tear up at certain memories, both good ones and also the bad ones, when he was dying before our eyes.
Then there is today.
I was in a great mood today and on lunchtime I headed out to the pharmacy to drop off my prescription for my prenatal vitamins. The goofy smile on my face suddenly just melted off and the waterworks began. I imagined myself on my wedding day six months from now, without my Daddy. I imagined myself getting pregnant and wanting to share the news with everyone...except my father won't be here to hear it. So, I cried the whole ride to the pharmacy...I tried not to cry IN the pharmacy. I came out into the car and cried on the way to Starbucks. Then I cried (and felt ANGRY) some more on the way back to work. I called my Mom knowing I only had about ten minutes left of my lunch break but needing to talk to someone who would understand my feelings. I cried to her for the full ten minutes, angry and sad and just not understanding why MY Dad can't be here.
While she couldn't take away my grief, my Mom certainly made me feel better. When you lose someone it is VERY IMPORTANT to feel like other people truly understand and can empathize with those feelings. I know my Mom can do that. I tried so hard to be strong for HER through Dad's brief illness and death, but I think I pushed so many feelings down/away that they now come out in little eruptions that totally take me by surprise. Like today.
So, please, if you are reading this blog, squeeze your Moms and your (big, strong, cuddly) Dads and your hubbies and your children extra specially tight for me. Squeeze them like you may never get the chance again...and please appreciate the time you DO have with them.
I would give anything for one more squeeze-y Daddy hug.