Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I'm a bad, baaaaaaad girl. (is it sick that I kinda like the sound of that? LOL)

I got some bloggy LOVE and I have been so lax lately in sharing the love and passing it on to others. Shame on me. FOR SHAME!

So without further adieu (or beating myself up) here it goes:

My newest latest lovin' came from sweet and silly Krissy at FireCracker Mom who never ceases to make me laugh with her posts. Even when she is sad or upset about something, she throws in a funny thought or picture! Gotta love her! She gave me this little beauty:

And now I'm passing it on to the following bloggy-peeps who continually manage to make my day...

My cute little Lilah...I can't have a day go by where I don't click on her blog Keeping up with the Poltzs as I followed along on her pregnancy journey and then the birth of little Lawson. And he is adorable!

Robyn over at Where's Jelly whose Peanut Butter has the most adorable pigtails I've ever seen, and yay for Robyn for running, an exercise I am way too lazy for! LOL

And Melissa at Hope for the Hopeless who has been having a tough few weeks physically and who I hope starts to feel better soon!!!

And waaaaaay back when, Melissa was sweet enough to bestow a fitting crown on my head in the form of this award:
It is only proper that I now crown the following:

I love to visit Melek's Mundane Musings for a good Glamour shot pic, or a shot of her adorable doggy Zeke, or an update on Homey and I think this award fits her personality well!

Law Student Hot Mama who amazes me at how she goes to school full time to become a lawyer while simultaneously is able raise her deliciously adorable Sumo Baby single-handedly until her hubby is back! Oh and she has a nice rack! LOL

And eons ago, from my very favorite flower-girl, and newest good (and crafty!) friend, Keri, I was awarded this bright and springy blog-love:
I am passing this on to those who are going through a rough period right now and could use a little bit of happy beauty in their lives:

Kori from My Life as a CFers Wife whose family is going through one of the hardest things they'll ever have to deal with. I continue to wish her and her husband strength and healing thoughts every day. Go show her some love!

Also to my good friend 'Chele who is going through a rough patch in her personal life but who is a strong woman and will make it through!! There is light at the end of the tunnel 'Chele!

Nicole at Driving with the Brakes and her family have suffered an unimaginable loss...and I know it's not much, but I wanted to show her a little blog-love and support from me.
I really need to make a decision, or at least start analyzing my current position and start thinking about change. I don't talk about my job much cuz I'm so afraid of who will read this.

But, today, I just don't care.

I'm tired, anxious, and unhappy. Yes, the anxiety is partly caused by the craziness of the wedding, money stress and trying to improve my credit...but the majority of it is that I really dislike my job. There has been so much change and mucho drama within the past two years here that it's not even the same place anymore...even the people have morphed (I've been here for four years). I can't go into too many details but let me just say that I'm not a happy ME anymore while working here. It gets harder and harder every day to roll out of bed and come in here and put on a smiley face and be nice to all the annoying people on the phone and to try to repeatedly ignore all the drama that goes on, on a weekly basis.

And I have gone from a person who only pops a 1/2 an anxiety pill like once every 3-4 months when needed, to someone who has been popping a whole pill 1-2 times a week cuz it is always needed. I'm not happy about that.

And then you throw into the mix that I'm getting married in 16 days and we plan on trying immediately to conceive. Daryl and I are both ready for a child and so very excited at the thought of becoming parents. But then of course where does that put me, with working? We've already discussed it but I can't be what I would love...a stay at home mom. I've shed many a tear about this...I'm not one of those people who has a killer career and loves what she does and can't imagine giving it up. I would gladly walk out of here tomorrow to be home with children. I know motherhood will be the "career" I've always wanted. I know I'll have my good days and my bad days, I'm not naive about it, but I know I will get so much more of a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment out of raising children then any other job has given me thus far. I want to be home with them and not miss a thing...I don't want daycare to be the first people to see my child walk, talk, try something new etc. That being said, I still need to work to make a living. We can't survive on Big D's income alone. Well, let me rephrase that, we could, but until I get my credit back into good shape and get out of this hole we're in, me not working and bringing in $$$ would only dig us in deeper. So Big D and I have agreed that I should work part time, this way I don't have to have my kids in childcare full time and feel like I'm missing out on them growing up, and yet I'll still also be bringing in a paycheck, albeit a smaller one.

This is a scary thought to me. Cuz now I gotta worry about changing jobs. Even though it sucks where I am currently, there are some pluses to it. It's not all bad all the time. The people are genuinely nice people. I know I could tough it out, and overlook the bad, if I was only here on a part time basis, instead of the current 9 hours a day, five days a week. However, my job is not a part time position. No way, no how. SO this means I'd have to dive back into the job-hunting scene doing the same type of boring clerical work I've done for the past, oh I don't know, twelve years or so. And the question comes into play...when do I do this? Do I start looking now, but then close down the road get pregnant, which I do not think is fair to a new employer? Do I wait until after I have a baby, but then stress out about not bringing in any type of paycheck in the meantime until someone hires me? I'm feeling very perplexed about the whole thing. I know some of you are probably thinking "Who cares? Cross that bridge when you come to it" but that's not how I operate. I have to, need to plan things out. I feel like I have more control over my life that way.

I'm just feeling very unsettled and apprehensive. And I don't like it one bit.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Wow, I glanced at my counter and almost fell out of my chair.

EIGHTEEN MORE DAYS till the wedding!

The last year and a half seemed to go by sooooooo slow but once it got below ninety days, it's like the sands in the hourglass are just whooshing through at top speed! So many little things left to do. Daryl and I sat down last night and started to go through our seating plan. It is already almost finished but we're in the final tweaking stages....and we still have like 6-8 people we're waiting on response cards for. Not bad!

I'm getting more and more excited as well as more and more anxious. I always thought I liked being the center of attention cuz I'm a total clown and love to make people laugh and have fun...sure, in a small room of people...but I'm feeling a tad anxious about being the center of attention in front of so many people! Daryl, of course, is like "Ah, it's no big deal to me."

Men are just so damn easy, sometimes, aren't they?

Anyway, the sucky part right now is that my Big D, who never gets sick, is sick. He keeps saying it's only allergies, but I keep yelling at him to go to the doctor cuz we're going on like 2 weeks now of him being miserable. And with the wedding only eighteen days away, we certainly don't want him still sick for the wedding and honeymoon! I'm suffering from allergies myself but thankfully it hasn't been too bad. Today I'm feeling pretty run down and nasal-y and...sorry...pghlemy, but I can deal. I have a feeling Big D has more along the lines of some type of infection, maybe a sinus infection.

Not only are men easy, but they're damn stubborn too.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

WARNING: If you don't like penis, body shots, boobies or lap dancing, you may not want to progress any further down this post....yeah, baby....

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--I have some cool-ass friends. Heh.

After all, who else would serve me a very lifelike penis cake and ejaculating brownies?

And who else serves a gallon of Red Headed Sluts in our very own hotel room??

And whose friends give the Bachelorette free lap dances???

And provides me with hilarious goodies like penis-candy necklaces, Wedding Vouchers that Big D has to follow and jumping penis-toys?? Oh, and a fabulous penis-straw???

And come on, who else supplies me with the never-ending glass of booze? I have no idea who bought me drinks or when or how or what cuz I barely registered new glasses being shoved (placed lovingly) into my hands???

Oh right...and body shots...yum?

And without further ado, I introduce you to some of my silly, uber-classy biatches:

This is some random dude who kept hopping into our pictures and then bought us a round of shots. Thanks, dude.

Sparkly boobies rock the house....

Pretty Lorelei who set up this whole fabulous evening. Love all my girls!!

Friday, April 25, 2008

Well today is definitely a new day for me.

It's Friday and I'm very thankful about that as I sit here and eat my fruit and yogurt (yay! no more junk food! Trying to be diligent about not turning to bad food when I'm far so good this week.) for breakfast. I went for a walk last night with my little overweight Daisy and even though I can't go as far as I would like due to my doggie being out of shape (we're working up to going further than a mile...she's only a small dog and needs to drop a few lb's so I don't want to overwhelm her!) but we still managed a good healthy mile. I find walking in the beautiful spring weather to be so therapuetic for me! I just inhaled all the fragrant flower and tree scents along the way, and pretty much cleared my brain of all the crap, and just felt happy to be alive. It was a great feeling! I wish I could do it again tonight but I have to go to a sex toy party (YES, another friends are pervs, I tell ya! I won't be buying tonight though, not so close to the wedding with other more important things to spend money on. But my friend just wants me and Big D to come anyway, to have some fun. It's a co-ed party.)

Anyway, tomorrow morning I got a few errands to run: gotta drop off D's stag tickets to one of his groomsmen, then might take a run to Kohl's to see if I can find a cute shirt on sale to wear out in the evening. I've had some good luck lately with Kohl's sales. I also seriously need to clean the house too...that's one thing that's been stressing me out big-time lately. I did finally start catching up on the laundry and washed our sheets and blankets last night and changed the kitty litters, and Big D washed all the dishes, so I did feel like I'm slowly started to make accomplishments. Anyway, tomorrow night is my Bachelorette Night Out!
I'm pretty darn excited about this. I think there will be a total of eight of us (a ninth may be joining us out later on) and five of those (including me) are staying overnight at a hotel so we don't have to worry about anyone driving home intoxicated. I hear a couple of surprises are in store for me. I can only imagine. Heh. And Sunday I plan on making that a lazy, recup day. I'm sure I'll need it after my crazy night out Saturday. All in all, I'm looking forward to some major stress-relief this weekend.

I hope you all also have fabulous, stress-free weekends. Enjoy them!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

I'm sitting at my desk, literally surrounded in a sea of yellow, green and white papers, way behind on a project I need to finish asap due to time constraints, and staring at the blinking light on my phone signifying a shit-load of angry voice mails to return to bitchy clients...

...and yet I'm feeling pretty calm. Why? Thanks to the 1/2 of an anxiety pill percolating throughout my system, and the delicious caffeine-filled ice coffee sliding down my throat, I feel as if I can try to make it through the day. Up until a half hour ago, I wasn't feeling that. Up until I popped that magical pill I was ready to simultaneously pull out my hair, burst into tears and ignore the extreme tightness in my chest. As well as run every mother-fucking asshole driver off the road.


Lately, I feel like all I do on here is bitch and moan, bitch and moan. I hate that. That's not me. I'm a pretty optimistic, positive person. People that really and truly know me, know that it is really not normal for me to not be smiling on a pretty regular basis. People come to me for positive talk whether it pertains to a problem they're going through in their life, a little pep talk about self image, or even just a "hey April, do these shoes look good on me?" but lately I feel as if people have taken a step back from me.

I know life has been chaotic...I know I have been chaotic. I'm having a hard time managing everything lately. My house is in a shambles, my self image is shot, and my brain feels like it's slowly oozing out my ears. I'm not feeling positive, even about the fact that I have a wedding and honeymoon a mere 3 weeks away...and I can't seem to change the negative thoughts that have taken up residence in my head. I know we all go through stressful periods in our lives so it's gotten me wondering, how do you all DEAL? What secret tricks help you cope? Do you exercise insanely, or get a massage, or just scream into a pillow on the days it's the hardest? I need some guidance here.

I want my positive posts and positive LIFE back.

P.S. Oh and I'm sorry I haven't been as up on commenting on all your blogs lately...I promise to get back on track soon!!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

So, the news is not good.

My Grammie's doctor told her she'd find out the results from her PET scan a week from yesterday. Yesterday, a week sooner than anticipated, she got a phone call to please come in to his office immediately. My mom brought her in and I happened to call when they were driving there so Mom said she'd call me back later once they were home and settled in. Around 4:30pm, my Mom called me at work.

"Well, Mom, what happened at the doctor's?"

"The news is not good, April." My mom said and my stomach dropped. It was like it was six years ago, with me sitting at my desk at work (granted a completely different desk and office and town) and hearing those words, yet wishing to hear something else. Gripping the receiver so tightly in my white-knuckled grip, struggling not to cry in front of people. Trying to sound strong, like my mother sounded. No tremor in her voice.

"Your grandmother has Stage 4 cancer."

Stage 4. Same stage that Dad was diagnosed at. Ahh, man, is life just going to continue to throw these curve balls at us, one after another? I know my Grammie is no spring chicken, but why cancer? Why, why, why??

The cancer started at the very back of her tongue, in her throat. From there it spread to her lymph nodes (hence causing the nodule she has on her neck which is what made her concerned). Cancer that has already spread is never a good thing. Stage 4 is not a good thing. When her doctor had finished telling her and my mother all of this, he said, "Annette, science has made great strides in this type of cancer treatment. You just have to hope for good luck." Both my mom and my grandmother laughed and Grammie replied, "Good luck? Obviously you don't know our family." I'm thankful for that sense of humor. I hope it continues to help get her through this.

She will be doing some type of chemo or radiation (we'll find out more once she meets with her oncologist) but she refuses to start till after the wedding. She wants to look good and feel up to my wedding. I want that for her.

I'm so fucking bitter right now and feeling very selfish that I'm upset for me. I feel like everyone is being taken away from me one by one. I know no one lives forever but I'm just not ready, or willing, to give her up yet. I wanted so much for all my family members to see my accomplishments in life. I remember when my Nana died when I was thirteen I was so devastated at the thought that she'd never see me get my license, or graduate in cap and gown. And then I always assumed I'd have my dad to walk me down the aisle, to hold his grandchild in his arms...yet he won't. He didn't get to see me buy my first home three years ago (something I know he would have been so proud of) nor will he ever get to meet my Daryl. I always figured I'd have all four of my grandparents here to see me get married, but six months before dad died I lost my maternal grandfather suddenly, and a year after dad, I lost my paternal grandfather after a long illness.

I'm down to one grandparent. I need her to be there. My best friend, April, made a very good point to me. She lost her grandmother a couple years ago but she said she is so very thankful her Grandma was here to see her get married. Granted, she won't be here to hold her great grandchild when April has one, but she gets great comfort out of the look of joy on her Grandma's face in the pictures she has of that special day. And she cherishes those. She is so right though...I gotta keep telling myself to think about the here and now and to appreciate the time I do have. To stop dwelling on what I won't have. It's fucking hard but I'm going to try.

Monday, April 21, 2008

I had a great weekend in Newport!

Me, Keri, Michele and their friend Melissa who I just met (very cool girl!) all left early Saturday morning for our overnight trip. We stopped off at a commuter parking lot and popped the cork on some champagne and made mimosas, courtesy of Keri. Then under the beautifu and warming sun, we were on our way, a group of hyper and giggling girls completely MAN (and for two, CHILD) free!! Once we reached our hotel it was still too early to check in, however, we were able to get a parking pass to at least leave Michele's jeep there so we could start strolling around town. We hit a couple of shops then decided it was time for lunch and some wine. The first restaurant that Keri wanted to take us too that she said had great martinis was unfortunately closed for renovations. So we then proceeded to the hotel restaurant, H20, and sat down for a long (our waitress sucked!) lunch, a few glasses of wine and a some pictures.

After lunch we were off to the mansions! We walked (and walked, and walked, LOL) to our first stop, Rosecliff, which was smaller than some of the others, but no less beautiful. I was thoroughly amazed at the grandeur of each room...the ballroom, the front sitting room...I tried to imagine myself years and years ago, dressed in a fancy gown, sitting on one of those antique couches, living the life of an aristocrat, with servants waiting on me hand and foot. Needless to say, it was hard to imagine! I loved listening to the stories the tour guide told us about the previous different owners, and also who stayed in each bedroom. Also this particular mansion's ballroom has been used in so many different movies, some of which included The Great Gatsby and True Lies (with Jamie Lee Curtis)....SO interesting and neat to see in person! After the tour, we went out to the back grounds where there was a gorgeous view of the ocean beyond the wall, but unfortunately we could not stay and sight-see long, as we already had made reservations to see a Behind-The-Scenes tour at another mansion, The Elms. We hustled back to The Elms (blisters forming on all of our feet!!) and were about 4 minutes late for the tour so we were quickly led out to where it began at the back entrance which was the "service driveway". The past owners (I'm sorry I can't remember their names) wanted all of their guests to feel like everything happened at this manion "like magic" so they were not able to see where servants came in, where food and supplies were brought in, etc. We toured the interior of the house where the servants did all their business: the "basement" (which was tiled in this sturdy white tile, that Keri called subway tile, that has lasted all this years with only minor chips and scratches. It was crazy to see this huge "basement" floor that was nicer than my house LOL) which included the laundry room, clothes drying room (since this particular mansion's past owners did not want their laundry outside and visible) with the old cast iron IRONS that they heated up to do the clothes with, also we saw the ice room where they stored a huge chunk of ice, the "refrigerator" room where it was like a big wooden walk-in fridge (that eventually became electric, as the years went by), the kitchen, the REAL basement with the coal furnaces (I don't know if that's what they are really called) and even we could see the beginning of the underground track and cart that they brought in the coal with, the prep rooms, the gigantic stove with copper cookware, the wine cellar, the root cellar and the back stairwells that led up to the servants quarters. The hallway was vast, with beautiful light hardwood floors and molding, and each room, which housed two servants as roomates, were not as tiny as I imagined they would be. It was surmised that they normlaly employed up to 24 servants at a time and for the basic servants, they were paid $25.00 a month. They had an excellent French chef though who was supposedly one of the best and he was paid much better...$10,000 a month! Just think, back then, that was a lot of money! Anyway, we saw the view from the roof top after that, and then headed back down outside.

After the sight-seeing, we headed back towards town and stopped at a totally hip and modern little bar for some wine and an appetizer. I tried another seafood dish! It was called Conch Fritters and even though the thought sounded gross,I tried them...holy yumminess batman! So after our conch and we wine, we went back to the hotel to check in and unpack and rest up a little bit before dinner. We took silly pictures in our room, admired the gorgeous ocean view, and then started getting ready for dinner out. The heels came out, the hairspray was sprayed and on went cute shirts and jewelry...and then we were off! We walked to the package store to get a bottle of wine (which we didn't end up needing cuz we were all exhausted at the end of the night) and I hobbled around in my heels, due to the blisters on both feet (ouch!) and back to the restaurant for dinner, The Red Parrot. We had a nice, relaxed dinner with wine and appetizers (I drew the line at trying the shark bites...they scared me!) and after a coffee liquor drink, we paid the bill and hobbled back across the street to our hotel. After much giggling and talking, we were all unconcious.

SUnday morning after showers and packing, we checked out and loaded up the jeep, then went off to get coffee and pastries at an adorable little coffee shop rihgt on the pier, that was run by one woman. I swear, it was jam packed, but we didn't wait any longer than you do at Starbucks where they have 3 people working at a time! And much better service at this coffee shop. We sat in the sun, sipped our java, and enjoyed the crisp morning air. Then it was off to shop! I didn't want to spend a ton of money since Daryl and I are still paying off the wedding (he told me not to get him a souveneir) but I couldn't go home empty-handed. I bought a really pretty red, white and blue sail boat Christmas tree ornament (I buy ornaments for our tree wherever I go! I have them from Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Florida, California, New York, etc.). I also got Daryl some of his favorite, fresh water taffey! Also got him two cute little lobster-shaped chocolates. And for the pups, I got them some delectible doggie treats shaped like little cupcakes with sprinkles on them!

After shopping, we ate lunch at a quaint and really cool Irish bar (I think it was called Bruskers?) for beer and burgers and some girlie bs'ing. Then it was off to take a quick driving tour through the rest of Newport and admire the sea line, the other mansions, the fabulous view, and then off for home! I'm thoroughly exhausted today (tossed and turned all night even though it was nice to be back in my own bed with my Big D) but feeling so relaxed and happy we went. I had a fantastic time! Below are some pics for your viewing pleasure!

The girls ready to go...on our way to Newport!

Keri, Melissa and Michele appreciating the view outside of our hotel

Fork it over, Melissa and April...we need more wine!

Pretty shoes for our night out for dinner and drinks! (can you guess which foot is Michele's, Keri or mine?????)

Melissa and Keri at The Red Parrot for dinner.

April and Keri at The Red Parrot for dinner.

A view of the Rosecliff Mansion

On the grounds of the Rosecliff

Here comes the BRIDE...or at least my boobs...

Lunch and wine in our hotel restaurant...


Keri and Michele posing outside of a gorgeous church

The view outside of our hotel balcony doors

Friday, April 18, 2008

29 days till the wedding.

Holy crap, I can now say less than a month to go! Things are definitely starting to come together.

Big D and I are getting excited, that's for sure. And his Grandma offered to give us $1,000 towards our remaining $$$ balance which will help a bit with the money stress...what a sweet lady!

Keri gave me the candle holders she used for the centerpieces for her own wedding and I'm thrilled about that! I love them! They are both brown and there is a tall cylindrical shape and this other pretty shape with the slightly mottled glass on the left. I still have to dig out the old melted candles she used for her wedding but I'll probably tackle that next weekend. Anyone have suggestions for getting out old candle wax?

So I'll put one of each candle holder on each table, plus i bought cute little butterflies to scatter around on the table (the butterflies are varying shades of brown and tan. Very sweet.) That will tie in the loose butterfly theme I have going.

Keri also finished the bridesmaids bouquets and they came out beautiful! I'm so impressed and i love them! I don't have a picture of them yet cuz they are sequestered in my bedroom, away from prying kitty cat mouths and claws. Now all she has left at her house are the bout's she's finishing up which are always turning out fabulous. Thanks, Keri!

I also got a super cute purse last night for the wedding. I will need somewhere to keep my lipstick and Daryl's glasses (in case he gets a headache) and car keys and I saw this last night at a store in the mall and fell in love. And the price tag also snagged my attention...on sale for $8.00! It's slightly hard to see in the picture but it's like a burnt-gold color. I love it so much I plan on using it again after the wedding, maybe on a night out or something.

What else? I have to put together the kiddy goody bags I plan on making...I will now have a total of seven kids at the wedding. Six were planned on but my cousin from Maine asked if children were invited and I said he could bring his son, Paul, who is eight since they are coming from out of town and I know it will be hard to find a sitter since the rest of the family will be at the wedding! And it will be nice to have another little boy there for my cousin AJ to play with, since the rest of the kids there will be little girls. I can't wait to see them all dressed up!

Still gotta get the gifts for the groomsmen yet...has anyone ever done gift certificates? I'm thinking of doing that and just personalizing it by making each one to a store that we know that particular guy likes. I hate to buy them the "typical" type of groomsmen gift if they will never use it, ya know?

Just paid off the remaining balance of our Florida honeymoon yesterday...I'm super psyched about that and can't wait to have a vacation. I think the anticipation is killing us both!

Anyway, there is more left to do but my brain is shot right now. Thank GOD it's Friday.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Two more work days...two more work days...I can do this.

Two more days of work until...NEWPORT!!

I'm starting to feel more excited and to let some of this funk I'm feeling just melt away. I'm still worried about my grandmother, stressed about money, and ready to have my dang wedding already (in 30 days, people!) but now I'm feeling like I can let it all go a little bit this weekend and just have some fun.

And breathe.
And drink some wine.
And girl talk.
And sight-see some beautiful mansions.
And wear my cute BRIDE tank top.
And giggle.
And have a chance to miss my Big D, a little bit, since this will be the first time (since he moved in with me two years ago) that we will spend the night apart (other than when he's worked all night for work overtime). :-)

I can't wait! Bring on the fun!!!!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Had a bad day. As you can probably tell from my previous post, my morning started off with me feeling emotional and anxious.

After a phone call from my Mom while I was on my lunch break, the day continued to go downhill but in a much more serious way. My grandmother, my Grammie, has not been doing well health-wise the past few months. My Mom and I have talked about how Grammie had been losing lots of weight, was tired and run-down all the time...and that she had a small nodule on her neck. As the nodule started to increase in size, it became harder for her to swallow and she had problems with indigestion that she blamed on her hernia. Yesterday, Mom took her to the doctor and that's when they told her.

She has cancer.

It feels like I'm speeding down a long dark tunnel, fast as a locomotive, and I can hear that fucking dreaded word clanking around my brain like a hard, cold marble... the word that took my Daddy away from me six years ago. CANCER. If Cancer was a person, I can honestly say I'd beat the ever-loving shit out of him right now. I'm so angry and so sick and tired of all the death that this disease leaves in it's wake. Yes, I don't know the specifics for Grammie yet, other than that the tumor on her neck is cancerous and that it most likely did not start there, but I won't...I delude myself into thinking all is peachy-keen. I will not live in a dream world and think, "Oh it's okay, she'll be fine." I thought that once before about Dad only to be told, "Your father has six months to live." I won't do that to myself ever again. There is being optimistic, but where do you draw that line in the sand between optimistic and...realistic? I want to be realistic.

I spent the majority of the day crying, on and off. I keep thinking to myself, "You're so lucky. You're 31 years old. How many people can say they still have any living grandparents at 31?" I'll have Grammie at my wedding...and that is important to me...but I can't help but wonder will she still be here when I have a baby? I have never verbalized this outside my head but I've been so excited to have a child and get a picture of four generations, all in one photograph. But now I wonder if I'll get that chance? And why cancer? Why, again?

Thank God for my Big D...on days like this, I often think to myself, "What the hell would I do without him? Without his steadying, calming, loving presence to keep me sane?" He comforted me as best he could today, both with words and actions...hugs and kisses, my favorite dinner (come on, you know by now that it's pizza!), occupying the doggies as best he could so that they did not drive me insane, letting me cry and process my thoughts out loud. And then writing me this...which started the waterworks all over again, but for good reasons. I feel honored that Daryl chose me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and create a family with me. He knows just how important family is to me and he strives to meet those expectations every day...and does a damn good job of it.

With D's help, I plan on spending some good quality time with my Grammie. If it is meant to be that she will go sooner than later, I will live every moment with her and not take a second for granted. I promise that.

I wrote this after Dad died:


By: April L. Smith

It does not discriminate.

It brashly selects a


Man, woman, child.

A Beast

with fangs and talons,

It latches on to It’s



Drains the life

from within.

Gnaws the very center

of You.

Cancer took you away from me.
I have nothing to say today.

I'm feeling kinda anxious, a bit more stressed, and I can't stop munching on "stuff" (skittles, chocolate covered espresso beans, etc...). I feel PMS-moody but MINUS the PMS part. Work is crazy, everyone here sucks, and I want to just go home and lay on my couch. I want to relax and not have to use my brain for a little while for anything other then "hmmm...what tv show should I watch next?"

I'm sure Big D probably thinks I'm acting like a crazy female. I can almost hear the thoughts that are probably spinning in his head, "What is up with her? She's got all kinds of fun stuff planned: Newport this weekend, Bachelorette next weekend, wedding in ONE MONTH and then honeymoon. Why bother being moody, why cry?"

I guess I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. And I have not had a free moment to myself in what feels like forever. I can't wait till it's just me and D on the beach, under the warm sun, digging my toes in the sand and just...breathing. Oh god, that thought almost makes me cry. I definitely need a break.

So, onto a meme that I read on four random blogs today and decided since it was so prevalant, I'd steal it and use it myself:

  1. maybe i should let myself have a good cry.
  2. i love the smell of gasoline, tires, coffee and bread baking.
  3. people would say that i’m funny.
  4. i don’t understand why people need to cause drama at work. Ugh.
  5. when i wake up in the morning I feel impatient for Saturday.
  6. i lost my mind, lately.
  7. life is full of messy houses...mine is one of them. *SIGH*
  8. my past is and always will be a huge learning experience for me.
  9. i get annoyed when people cut me off on the road or highway.
  10. parties are my idea of a good time.
  11. i wish I had more energy.
  12. dogs are cuddly little muffins who often drive me crazy but I could not live w/out.
  13. cats give me comfort when they sit on my lap.
  14. tomorrow I am working. Again. On the same damn project.
  15. i have low tolerance for people that are two-faced.
  16. i’m totally terrified of death (on a serious level) and spiders (on a silly level).
  17. i wonder why i can't force myself out of this slump!!
  18. never in my life have i smoked or done drugs.
  19. high school was a time I never want to relive.
  20. when i’m nervous i talk too much and fidget.
  21. one time at a family gathering um...I don't's been too long since one.
  22. take my advice: eat yummy chocolate covered espresso beans
  23. making my bed almost never freaking happens.
  24. i'm almost always making a list.
  25. i’m addicted to coffee in the morning.
  26. i want someone to cheer me up.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Happy Monday! (that's an oxymoron, if I've ever heard one.) Busy weekend. Friday night wasn't too bad, just did some laundry and straightened up the house. Saturday morning we were up and out early and off to D's Dad and Girlfriend's house where he did a tune-up on their furnace and then we hung out and bs'd for a couple of hours. By the time we got back close to home, it was 1:30pm, and since we'd both missed breakfast, D brought me to a local deli in Middletown that he liked, grabbed some sandwiches, and headed to a nearby park where we pulled up by the lake and ate our lunch. The weather was gorgeous on Saturday...a true spring day, sunny and mild and it just felt so good to breathe in the fresh air! We had to run to Lowe's after that to get a few items for the house, then once home I dove back into the laundry while D worked on our laminate flooring upstairs (it's taking forever cuz he's only been doing a little at a time, as we happen to have free time). Then I ran to Kohl's with some gift cards I had and did some bargain shopping...I did damn a cute little dress for the rehearsal dinner, for $7.20. Also a pretty necklace and earrings to go with it for under ten bucks. I got a pair of denim capris, a sweater tank and a pair of jeans for the honeymoon/summertime. Kohl's had awesome sales going on.

Sunday we were up early again and after my shower we headed out for bagels at Panera (mmm...Panera). The girl/guy who rang me out was named "Jeri" and had a completely feminine voice, hair in a bun held by a hair elastic, long fingernails...but extreme facial hair. As in, a five o'clock shadow. It was majorly confusing. LOL We then were off to our appointment with the photographer after narrowing down all the details and what pics we wanted, we chatted about anything and everyting with her for another half hour or so. Her and her hubby are so, so cool with a sense of humor...and down to earth like D and I. Love their personalities AND their great style. After that it was back home where D dug out our summer clothes (well at least mine, can't find his. I think most of his are still in his closet) and started washing them. I realized, last Thursday, on the really warm and mild day that we had during the week that I have almost nothing spring-y to wear that is unpacked. We had dinner plans later on in the day with Sarah, Brian and little Julia...they were treating us for dog-sitting. So we ate dinner and beer with them and had fun, then stopped for ice cream on the way home.
I washed some more spring/summer clothes and then it was off to bed. And this week's Menu Plan is completley off the cuff as I wasn't able to check the freezer/pantry before creating it...hope we have this stuff! LOL

Monday: whole wheat pasta with tomato sauce, steamed broccoli
Tuesday: barbecued chicken on the grill, grilled sweet potatoes, and corn

Wednesday: kielbasa, Annie's mac and cheese, and steamed green beans
Thursday: Pizza Night

Friday: Salads with grilled chicken, steamed veggies on the side
Saturday and Sunday: In Newport, RI eating out, and drinking lots of wine!!!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Okay peeps...time for me to own up.

I know I've been pretty damn quiet on the weight loss/gain front and that's becuz I've been so damn frustrated. I know if I started talking about it, I wouldn't stop. But I need to 'fess up that I've been flirting with the same damn five pound loss for about 6-7 weeks now. It's so frustrating. Two pounds down, then a pound up the next week, etc, etc.

I have not been religiously following my points and I know what I need to do. But with all the parties and family stuff going on lately, I constantly feel like food and drinks are surrounding me! I need to come up with a better game plan so that I don't end up going hungry somewhere then stuffing my face and regretting it later. It's a tiring cycle. And I'm sick of beating myself up over food!

But on a happier note, I've been doing my upper body weights at home every other day, also squats with weights, and crunches. My hiney is shrinking! WOO HOO! Daryl keeps telling me I don't have a hiney, which is very sweet, but so untrue...I love those rose-colored glasses our honey's wear when they look at us. Heh. Cuz believe me, that baby is still just need to do some more tightening up, if you know what I mean! And I do finally notice a difference in my jiggly arms! My biceps are starting to look pretty sweet but the thing that is taking FOREVER to go know what I mean ladies, that horribly, unattractive jiggly mass that kinda hangs from the underside of your arms. *SHUDDER* You know, when you wave and your arm starts flapping like a freakin' wing? That's the one. I've managed to shrink those little lovelies but haven't been able to fully make them disappear. I used to have awesome arms in my twenties (hell my body was pretty awesome back then...what the hell happened in the last 5-8 years?? And to think, I didn't appreciate how good I looked! Sheesh), and I worked hard to get them with a killer kickboxing class, but I'm finding it so much harder this time around to get the results I want. I guess I just need to be patient.

And keep visualizing that strapless dress I'll be wearing in almost thirty days in front of a hundred people...yikes....

Thursday, April 10, 2008

It's that time time (I love doing these when I have absolutely nothing new to write about). I've been tagged by MommyChicky over at Don't Eat Baby to share some exciting, titillating facts about yours truly.

The Rules:
1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.
4. Tag six random people at the end of your entry.

Unimportant Thing #1:
I ate a chocolate flavored Vita Muffin Top for breakfast. I don't really know if I like them even though the box is almost empty.

Unimportant Thing #2:
I love, love, love Sarah McLaughlin and Enya's music. Their songs (and voices) are some of the few that, no matter what song it is, always makes me feel some type of emotion while listening to it. And to me, that is talent.

Unimportant Thing #3:
I write in a journal. I admit, since blogger has taken over, I write in my journal less and less...but there is still something so satisfying about taking pen to paper and just letting my thoughts go (although I do type faster than I write AND my handwriting is super messy). I've been keeping journals since 1986; I love to read back in time different memories, thoughts or moments that I may have forgotten about. Reading about them makes me relive them again, the good, the bad and the sad. I love them all.

Unimportant Thing #4:
I'm going to be late for work cuz of this stupid meme.
*NOTE* I was not late for work and I even had time to stop at D&D.

Unimportant Thing #5:
I love to stare at people's butts, man or woman, it doesn't matter. I am a butt-person. I like cute butts.

Unimportant Thing #6:
I had a caramel apple martini last night while out with my cousin, Jenn, and her 1 year old daughter, Corrina.

Now time for the taggin'!!!

My Big D becuz he totally flaked out on doing the LAST meme I tagged him for. So now it's on like Donkey Kong.

Rhea at Word Tangle
who has some cute boys and who, with the help from her Mom, sure knows how to work on cars! (or at least pull things out)

Motherhood for Dummies becuz she has the coolest ideas to share and you all need to go over and read her blog!

Keri and Michele becuz hmmmm...reason? How about, becuz we're going to Newport! Wheeeeeeee!!!

Krissy over at Firecracker Mom!
cuz her posts always make me giggle!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

My friends are the freakin' BEST.

Who else gets thrown two different bachelorette parties by their fabulous friends? Who else besides ME? I'm so excited I feel like I'm going to burst!

Bachelorette Party #1: A week from this Saturday, myself, Michele and Keri (and their friend Melissa who I can't remember if I've met before) will be cruising on our way to Newport, Rhode Island for an over-night. I've lived in CT all of my life and yet have never been to Newport before (well except for one time about ten years ago, I went on a Saturday night with a guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks...we stayed at a house him and his friends rented and went to some crappy bar, had a cheeseburger for dinner, and then slept on an air mattress and listened to the orgies going on all around us all night long. Sweet time, man.) Needless to say, I'm super excited to see Newport by daylight, tour a couple of the beautiful and historic mansions, drink some lovely wine in the oldest bar in Newport, and have a fabulous dinner that doesn't consist of a cheeseburger thrown down on the grill. I am not a seafood person, which I know is a huge part of Newport, but I'm sure there will be so many other yummy options for me to partake in--and who knows, maybe I'll be daring and sample a teeny bit of seafood! So I'm ready to drink it in all in, baby! Keri (aka: Anal Monster, LOL) is busy consulting with 'Chele and planning out our time line for the 24 hours we'll be in Newport. We're staying overnight at a hotel, that has a yummy heated pool, and we will probably be heading back home on that Sunday after lunch. It will be a great time!

Bachelorette Party #2: TWO weeks from this Saturday, I will be hitting the town (Hartford, specifically, where all the bars, clubs and restaurants are clustered together making it uber-easy for a bunch of intoxicated women to stumble to and fro...) with about eight of my girlies, for drinks and appetizers, some booty-shakin', hopefully no penis-tiaras, and a damn good time! Since we had such a hard time figuring out who was going to be the DD (cuz obviously, that won't be moi and no one else seemed to want to volunteer!), the grooms-woman in our wedding, pretty Lorelei, came up with the idea to stay overnight at a hotel. Now, knowing I was already staying overnight away from home the weekend before that, I wasn't too sure Big D would be so keen on the idea.

Big D told us to go party it up.

SO, Lorelei is booking the hotel and with help from my MOH, April #2, is coordinating with the girls to find out who is staying overnight and who is just planning on meeting us. I'm very much so looking forward to this! It's not often I can get together with so many of my friends for a night out on the town...with different work schedules, husbands, children, and LIFE going on for many of us, planning a big get-together is usually nearly impossible. But I guess your friend getting married in 37 days is a pretty good reason to adjust work schedules, hire baby-sitters and/or cajole hubby's into "letting" them out for a night.

SO just a warning, ladies and ready for some fun/silly/crazy/scary photographs being posted within the next 2-3 weeks! Fasten your seat's going to be an--ahem-- interesting ride!!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I feel like I'm having heart palpitations.

God damn espresso. Why do you hurt me so? When all I do is love you?

(talk about jump-starting my day today, though!)

Monday, April 07, 2008

Cute headbands are a pain in the mean, pain in the head. I try something different and this is the thanks I get! I had a couple people tell me how cute I look, one said to me "Wow, I like your head today! I mean headband." (that one was a guy, obviously)...but I'll probably have to rip the damn thing out of my head in ten minutes. Oh well.

Anyway, my weekend was good. Saturday Daryl and I went to Lowe's with our lovely gift cards and bought three more boxes of the laminate flooring for upstairs...that should finish off the larger of the two rooms up there. D is convinced this will be his "Bar/Man Room". I have a feeling it will more likely be a Bar/Man/Crafting room becuz I need somewhere to store my crafts and scrapbook supplies. Heh. Anyway, I also got a new lamp for the living room so I have two matching lamps on each side of the couch now. SUPER exciting. After that, D whipped out a new cookbook given to me at my shower and used our mixer for the first time, to make a from scratch carrot cake with homemade cream cheese frosting. His first time ever baking from scratch. He then proceeded to tell me he was in love with the mixer, therefore in love with Michele ('Chele, maybe you shouldn't tell that to Daniel! LOL) who bought us that lovely mixer! LOL We brought the cake over to some friend's house in the evening....they made us delicious steaks on the grill, grilled potatoes and onions, corn and salad. And then we had a HUGE-ass bonfire outside that included two Christmas trees and a bunch of tree parts chopped down from his friend, Steve's, yard. It was a massive fire. I loved it!

Yesterday turned out to be a mostly wasted day. I woke up at 6am with a killer head ache (i.e. on the verge of migraine but not quite that extreme...a really bad head ache though for sure) and finally managed to go back to sleep but the head ache woke me back up. I laid down on the couch, ate breakfast that D prepared, then we decided to run to Bed, Bath and Beyond with two duplicate gifts we got from the shower. I desperately wanted new pillows for our couch and we both wanted new pillows for the bed so we made our returns, whipped out our gift cards, and got what we needed. Once home, it was back in my sweats under a blanket on the couch, moaning in pain while D proceeded to take good care of me the rest of the afternoon. He made me a homemade milk shake (yum!), washed my truck till it gleamed, picked up a few things we needed at the grocery store, started a load of laundry, and then made us dinner, a delicious Shepherd's Pie. I am so grateful to him for taking good care of me. :-) He's a good boy.

And now onto the main reason for this meal plan! I've been a slacker the past week (actually possibly two weeks?) and need to get back on track. We've eaten way too much junk food, spent way too much money on fast food...two bad habits considering we both want to lose a few pounds AND be frugal with money with the wedding only about six weeks away!! For more meal plan ideas, check out this site...

Monday: Grilled barbecued chicken, grilled sweet potatoes(I just changed that from side salads becuz D informed me that we have sweet potatoes. Yum!) steamed green beans.

Kielbasa links, baked beans, and steamed broccoli

Apple Chicken Quesadillas with some tortilla chips and salsa on the side

Nana's Ghoulash over mashed potatoes, with some type of steamed veggies on the side.

Frozen French Bread Pizza

Taco Crescent Bake or Sloppy Joe Squares but definitely something using beef

Our friends are taking us out to dinner for pizza and beer as a thank-you for dog-sitting for them a couple weeks ago.

Friday, April 04, 2008

I'm excited becuz my Big D is gonna have a stag!

Why am I excited about a party where nasty-whore-strippers (LOL sorry that was a little extreme, I admit it) will be there flashing their junk in my honey's face, you may be asking?

For weeks and weeks now, there has been talk of a stag. Daryl refused to find out anything when I asked questions, becuz (1) he wants to be surprised and (2) he feels that he should not have anything to do with the planning of it. Point taken, however, I am BIG on scheduling everything in my day planner. Both D and I have horrible memories when it comes to remembering dates, appointments, parties, etc. that we need to go to. Without writing it all down in my planner, we'd both be lost. And now that the wedding is getting closer and closer, different things are popping up that I need to make plans for (making appointments with the photographer, reception hall, etc.). I normally will make plans and write it in my planner and then double check with D. So after all that babbling, my main point is that I wanted to know when the stag was so I could write it in the Holy Grail.

Also, no offense D, but a couple of the guys can be slackers so I was really afraid the stag would not happen at all. I knew how excited Daryl was about it and I know how many fun parties I get to go to as the bride (shower, bachelorette night out, my Newport over-night with Michele and Keri) so I was really starting to feel guilty that he would not get his party. And come on, stags are a rite of passage for men, a bonding night for the testosterone, and it would just have been too strange for there NOT to be one.

Anyway, D's friend and groomsman, Sean, just emailed me the specifics and I'm as excited as if the party was for myself! Ha ha. Yeah, cuz I want a bunch of skanky hoes (i never know how to pluralize the word "ho"...hoe is like a back hoe, isn't it?) gyrating their boobies and shiz-nit all over me while a bunch of drunk and horny men gaze on. Sweet. Jesus, I digress very easily...ANYWAY, I'm happy that D will get his party on, "hoes" and all.

And if that is not a good wifey....I don't know what the hell is!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Sorry for the TMI, people but if you don't want to read it, go away now. (It's not that bad though.)

I just got my period today...a freaking WEEK late...I feel like I've been in PMS-mode for the past TWO AND A HALF weeks though (ask D, he can vouch. Ha!). I know it's probably becuz of (1) being off the pill for a full month now, and that my body is adjusting and (2) I feel mildly stressed out and sometimes stress affects when I get my period.

I'm telling you though I feel like utter and total crap! For one thing, I forgot just how badly cramps can hurt when you're off the pill. It feels kind of like this, only doubled, with thorny spikes poking out. Like one of those weapons that looks like a spiked ball on a chain. Yup, that's what my cramps feel like. And on top of that, I'm just SO. TIRED. I can't seem to perk up for some reason. And I have decided to "steal" my coworker's peanut butter cup right off his desk and gobble it up, since he is gone for the day and that peanut buttery goodness should not just sit there staring me down point blank. (don't worry, we're friends, I wouldn't normally take things off other people's desks w/out asking!)

Anyway, was there another point to this post other than to talk about my cramps and my chocolate-cravings? Yes. Can I remember what it is (becuz I've been interrupted like five times already)? No.

No freakin' idea. Eh, it'll come back to me.

Peace out.

3:22 pm Addition!!! I just remembered one thing I wanted to blog about. I was thinking to myself that my bridal party and my do I say this...I think we all have stripper names! Come on....Crystal, April, Lorelei, Carsa (you know I couldn't leave you out girl, LOL)...maybe I should start an escort service or something. Or at the very least throw up a pole in my bedroom. I'm sure Daryl wouldn't mind....

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

My lovely friend, Carsa (bridesmaid), just emailed me a couple more photos from my bridal shower this past weekend. They are cute so I'm sharing them:

Look what those silly girls threw on my head!
(Big D loves for me to look like the crazy girl)

A shot of all my girls in the bridal party (L to R: Crystal, Carsa, Sarah, me, April #2,
Liz, Lorelei and in the front row: Shayne and Rian.)

Deliciously yummy carrot cake-y goodness!