Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Had a bad day. As you can probably tell from my previous post, my morning started off with me feeling emotional and anxious.

After a phone call from my Mom while I was on my lunch break, the day continued to go downhill but in a much more serious way. My grandmother, my Grammie, has not been doing well health-wise the past few months. My Mom and I have talked about how Grammie had been losing lots of weight, was tired and run-down all the time...and that she had a small nodule on her neck. As the nodule started to increase in size, it became harder for her to swallow and she had problems with indigestion that she blamed on her hernia. Yesterday, Mom took her to the doctor and that's when they told her.

She has cancer.


It feels like I'm speeding down a long dark tunnel, fast as a locomotive, and I can hear that fucking dreaded word clanking around my brain like a hard, cold marble... the word that took my Daddy away from me six years ago. CANCER. If Cancer was a person, I can honestly say I'd beat the ever-loving shit out of him right now. I'm so angry and so sick and tired of all the death that this disease leaves in it's wake. Yes, I don't know the specifics for Grammie yet, other than that the tumor on her neck is cancerous and that it most likely did not start there, but I won't...I refuse...to delude myself into thinking all is peachy-keen. I will not live in a dream world and think, "Oh it's okay, she'll be fine." I thought that once before about Dad only to be told, "Your father has six months to live." I won't do that to myself ever again. There is being optimistic, but where do you draw that line in the sand between optimistic and...realistic? I want to be realistic.

I spent the majority of the day crying, on and off. I keep thinking to myself, "You're so lucky. You're 31 years old. How many people can say they still have any living grandparents at 31?" I'll have Grammie at my wedding...and that is important to me...but I can't help but wonder will she still be here when I have a baby? I have never verbalized this outside my head but I've been so excited to have a child and get a picture of four generations, all in one photograph. But now I wonder if I'll get that chance? And why cancer? Why, again?

Thank God for my Big D...on days like this, I often think to myself, "What the hell would I do without him? Without his steadying, calming, loving presence to keep me sane?" He comforted me as best he could today, both with words and actions...hugs and kisses, my favorite dinner (come on, you know by now that it's pizza!), occupying the doggies as best he could so that they did not drive me insane, letting me cry and process my thoughts out loud. And then writing me this...which started the waterworks all over again, but for good reasons. I feel honored that Daryl chose me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and create a family with me. He knows just how important family is to me and he strives to meet those expectations every day...and does a damn good job of it.

With D's help, I plan on spending some good quality time with my Grammie. If it is meant to be that she will go sooner than later, I will live every moment with her and not take a second for granted. I promise that.



I wrote this after Dad died:

CANCER

By: April L. Smith

It does not discriminate.


It brashly selects a


Victim.


Man, woman, child.


A Beast


with fangs and talons,


It latches on to It’s


prey.


Squeezes


Drains the life


from within.


Gnaws the very center


of You.


Cancer took you away from me.

22 comments:

Robyn said...

Hugs for you. I know it is tough especially when you have such a milestone of your own coming. I get it, my grandfather died the weekend I got engaged from prostrate cancer and J's mom died 8 months before we were married from breast cancer. She so wanted to be there. It is hard, I will be thinking of you. I hope the Dr.s can do everything they can.

Law Student Hot Mama said...

I'm so sorry!

It's horrible when something so wonderful (your wedding) blends with something so terrible. It makes the good seem so bittersweet. I hope she gets better - soon!

tricki_nicki said...

I'm so sorry about your dad and now grandma. I can't even imagine how scary that must have been, and how awful it is to worry about your grandma. I hope she doesn't suffer much and is healed quickly!

Melissa said...

(((April))) sending hugs your way!!

Keri said...

Simply ... ((HUGS))

Cecily R said...

April, I am so so sorry. I wish I had better words for you. I'll be thinking of you and your grandmother.

Chele76 said...

and more ....((((hugs))))

Stephanie said...

It is no wonder that you feel out-of-whack. I will send as many good thoughts your way as I can!

Rhea said...

Oh, I'm so sorry. :o(

That's an emotional poem you wrote after your dad died. I can feel your pain in it.

Driving With the Brakes On said...

I am so sorry to hear of your grandmother's diagnosis, and am so glad that you still have time to spend with her and that you have such a wonderful support system in big D. Gentle hugs and prayers coming your way!

Heather said...

i am so sorry to hear about your grammie. my prayers are with you at this time. great that you are going to spend as much time with her as possible. when my mother was diagnosed with cancer i was so angry that i took it out on her. i regret every day that i did not make 100 percent great for us. i regret not saying goodbye to her the morning she passed away before i left for work. thank you for sharing this wonderful post and the your poem.

April said...

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. They are definitely very helpful to me. I'm going to try to be a little more positive, even though it's hard. :-(

~**Dawn**~ said...

Oh, honey. (((HUGS))) You don't need to force being positive. Sometimes the hard stuff requires sorting through it & venting it as part of the processing you need to do.

I know I had a hard time coming to the realization that my Gram would not see me get married, would not meet my children. But one night I had a dream that my Gram was up there in Heaven, hand-selecting my babies for me. She would know them before even I would. And somehow that made me feel at peace. What will happen is not in your control. I understand the need to be realistic & not give yourself false hope. But I think cautious optimism & hoping for the best, while mentally preparing yourself for the worst is all you can really do.

More (((HUGS)))

Motherhood for Dummies said...

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your family. Im sure that this has been hard. We have you and your family in our thoughts

~**Dawn**~ said...

This has nothing to do your post, I'm sorry, but I wasn't sure if you would check back to see the reply to your comment on my blog & I wanted you to get it. I would have emailed it to you but you don't have an "email me" link in your blog/profile.

You can *totally* go to that dinner! (It's a dinner by the way. Wouldn't want you to expect breakfast.) If you want to attend, just make sure you call Disney Dining for your reservations (wouldn't be a bad idea for getting ressies for your whole honeymoon for the places that you *really* want to eat actually & I would do that sooner rather than later) because you'll be there at a busier time of year. But yes, I have been to more than one character meal with just adults!

Steph said...

I am sorry! Sending big **HUGS** your way. I wish you and your family all the best during this trying time. Please try to focus on the positive if at all possible.

krissy said...

Ohhhh, hon! I know this is bringing some sad, mad feelings about your dad.

Cancer sucks and trust me...I would have already kicked the crap out of it's butt.

I don't know what else to say then try real hard to remember the good times with your grannie and don't let her having cancer invade your memories. Just live life as best you can with her.

I'm so glad you have Big D!

Many hugs go to you!

April said...

I'm so sorry about your grandma. Will be praying for your whole family! Hang in there.

snowflake said...

((((HUGS)))) I am very sorry to hear about your Grandmother. I want to remind you though that Cancer isn't a death sentence. Many people can survive. Be there with your grandmother as much as you can. Whatever the outcome, you will be glad you were there. I'm so very sorry.....

Melek said...

im so sorry to hear about your grandmother.

Zoe said...

April, I'm so sorry. I will be thinking of you and I'm so glad that you have D at your side.

Mommychicky said...

I am so sorry to hear about your Grammie... yeah, we're lucky to be as old as we are with grandparents but still, that doesn't change the fact that we don't want to see them go, especially when we've gotten the chance to actually know them....