After a phone call from my Mom while I was on my lunch break, the day continued to go downhill but in a much more serious way. My grandmother, my Grammie, has not been doing well health-wise the past few months. My Mom and I have talked about how Grammie had been losing lots of weight, was tired and run-down all the time...and that she had a small nodule on her neck. As the nodule started to increase in size, it became harder for her to swallow and she had problems with indigestion that she blamed on her hernia. Yesterday, Mom took her to the doctor and that's when they told her.
She has cancer.
It feels like I'm speeding down a long dark tunnel, fast as a locomotive, and I can hear that fucking dreaded word clanking around my brain like a hard, cold marble... the word that took my Daddy away from me six years ago. CANCER. If Cancer was a person, I can honestly say I'd beat the ever-loving shit out of him right now. I'm so angry and so sick and tired of all the death that this disease leaves in it's wake. Yes, I don't know the specifics for Grammie yet, other than that the tumor on her neck is cancerous and that it most likely did not start there, but I won't...I refuse...to delude myself into thinking all is peachy-keen. I will not live in a dream world and think, "Oh it's okay, she'll be fine." I thought that once before about Dad only to be told, "Your father has six months to live." I won't do that to myself ever again. There is being optimistic, but where do you draw that line in the sand between optimistic and...realistic? I want to be realistic.
I spent the majority of the day crying, on and off. I keep thinking to myself, "You're so lucky. You're 31 years old. How many people can say they still have any living grandparents at 31?" I'll have Grammie at my wedding...and that is important to me...but I can't help but wonder will she still be here when I have a baby? I have never verbalized this outside my head but I've been so excited to have a child and get a picture of four generations, all in one photograph. But now I wonder if I'll get that chance? And why cancer? Why, again?
Thank God for my Big D...on days like this, I often think to myself, "What the hell would I do without him? Without his steadying, calming, loving presence to keep me sane?" He comforted me as best he could today, both with words and actions...hugs and kisses, my favorite dinner (come on, you know by now that it's pizza!), occupying the doggies as best he could so that they did not drive me insane, letting me cry and process my thoughts out loud. And then writing me this...which started the waterworks all over again, but for good reasons. I feel honored that Daryl chose me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and create a family with me. He knows just how important family is to me and he strives to meet those expectations every day...and does a damn good job of it.
With D's help, I plan on spending some good quality time with my Grammie. If it is meant to be that she will go sooner than later, I will live every moment with her and not take a second for granted. I promise that.
I wrote this after Dad died:
By: April L. Smith
It brashly selects a
Man, woman, child.
with fangs and talons,
It latches on to It’s
Drains the life
Gnaws the very center