Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I really need to make a decision, or at least start analyzing my current position and start thinking about change. I don't talk about my job much cuz I'm so afraid of who will read this.

But, today, I just don't care.

I'm tired, anxious, and unhappy. Yes, the anxiety is partly caused by the craziness of the wedding, money stress and trying to improve my credit...but the majority of it is that I really dislike my job. There has been so much change and mucho drama within the past two years here that it's not even the same place anymore...even the people have morphed (I've been here for four years). I can't go into too many details but let me just say that I'm not a happy ME anymore while working here. It gets harder and harder every day to roll out of bed and come in here and put on a smiley face and be nice to all the annoying people on the phone and to try to repeatedly ignore all the drama that goes on, on a weekly basis.

And I have gone from a person who only pops a 1/2 an anxiety pill like once every 3-4 months when needed, to someone who has been popping a whole pill 1-2 times a week cuz it is always needed. I'm not happy about that.

And then you throw into the mix that I'm getting married in 16 days and we plan on trying immediately to conceive. Daryl and I are both ready for a child and so very excited at the thought of becoming parents. But then of course where does that put me, with working? We've already discussed it but I can't be what I would love...a stay at home mom. I've shed many a tear about this...I'm not one of those people who has a killer career and loves what she does and can't imagine giving it up. I would gladly walk out of here tomorrow to be home with children. I know motherhood will be the "career" I've always wanted. I know I'll have my good days and my bad days, I'm not naive about it, but I know I will get so much more of a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment out of raising children then any other job has given me thus far. I want to be home with them and not miss a thing...I don't want daycare to be the first people to see my child walk, talk, try something new etc. That being said, I still need to work to make a living. We can't survive on Big D's income alone. Well, let me rephrase that, we could, but until I get my credit back into good shape and get out of this hole we're in, me not working and bringing in $$$ would only dig us in deeper. So Big D and I have agreed that I should work part time, this way I don't have to have my kids in childcare full time and feel like I'm missing out on them growing up, and yet I'll still also be bringing in a paycheck, albeit a smaller one.

This is a scary thought to me. Cuz now I gotta worry about changing jobs. Even though it sucks where I am currently, there are some pluses to it. It's not all bad all the time. The people are genuinely nice people. I know I could tough it out, and overlook the bad, if I was only here on a part time basis, instead of the current 9 hours a day, five days a week. However, my job is not a part time position. No way, no how. SO this means I'd have to dive back into the job-hunting scene doing the same type of boring clerical work I've done for the past, oh I don't know, twelve years or so. And the question comes into play...when do I do this? Do I start looking now, but then close down the road get pregnant, which I do not think is fair to a new employer? Do I wait until after I have a baby, but then stress out about not bringing in any type of paycheck in the meantime until someone hires me? I'm feeling very perplexed about the whole thing. I know some of you are probably thinking "Who cares? Cross that bridge when you come to it" but that's not how I operate. I have to, need to plan things out. I feel like I have more control over my life that way.

I'm just feeling very unsettled and apprehensive. And I don't like it one bit.

11 comments:

Dan Mega said...

I think its normal to feel anxious especially in your position. I do, however, think you and your guy will find a way to make it work so that everyone is happy. It may suck right now but its going to get better real soon.

Stephanie said...

Hey there! Thanks for visiting my blog :)

I think if you are not happy at your job you need consider finding work elsewhere. If it is causing this much stress on you, is it worth it to stay? I was in a similar situation a few years back and was just miserable. I moved to another company and am so happy with my work now.

I agree with the comment above too - things have a way of working out for the best. Think positive!

Amy said...

I say start looking now for something part-time. If you become pregnant and interview, you can decide whether to tell them (assuming they can't tell). But it could take a year to get pregnant, so it may not be that you're going to be leaving a new employer in the lurch as quickly as you think.

Krystyn said...

I think you need to be happy. Try to see if there are options out there for you while keeping your current job.

I did a drastic change (from a PhD grad student to a teacher in about 2 weeks!) It is do-able...you have to do what makes you happy.

It does help to be positive. Even if it's hard...it's amazing what the human mind and spirit can do!

Keri said...

i say start looking now... there are a lot of different opportunities out there and the stress will affect you when your prego... so look now. You never know how long it will be before you become prego.. M and i used our income tax check to support us when i was out on leave with Ava, just a suggestion.

Law Student Hot Mama said...

Yeah . . . first off, as a law student (though this is not of course legal advice) WARNING! Don't talk about stuff on your non-anonymous blog that you wouldn't want published on the front of the New York Times! Or on email from work, for that matter.

Ok, now onto your post. I agree with keri's assessment - if you want to get preggo, you gotta have your job before that because otherwise they simply won't hire you if you're preggo and are going to take maternity leave. As for putting your career on hold (maybe indefinitely) to raise children? Well - have the kiddo first before you make your decision!

Cecily R said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so stressed. I think Dan is right though. The anxiety is normal. You are taking a huge leap and it's not easy no matter how in love you are.

I think you are doing great though and you and D are a great couple. You'll be great parents whether you are a stay at home mom, work full time or work part time. Your kids will be lucky to have you.

Robyn said...

Life changes can have you questioning things, sometimes for a good reason. As some one who hates their job, if you don't foresee it getting better, I would start looking, even if you are planning to get pregnant right away. Who knows it might take a while.

Stephanie said...

Get rid of some of the stress! Part of that will come after the wedding. You will have a blast, but you will give a huge sigh of relief when it is over. The stress could keep you from getting pregnant though. We tried for a long time without luck until my stress level went down. Then we were pregnant, with twins, immediately! :) Also, temping may be an option to get you out of one situation and into another without losing a paycheck (gives time for interviews). It has worked as a filler for me before. Wishing you the best of luck.

~**Dawn**~ said...

There are a bunch of good suggestions here. There is one thing you could look into, if you love kids. You might see what if it would be feasible for you to work part time *at* a daycare. Often times they will make sure that your child is guaranteed a spot there, so you wouldn't be away from him or her. And in my experience, you would get child care at a much reduced cost or possibly even for nothing. I loved working in daycare but it doesn't pay the bills in a one-income household. But in a household that you wouldn't be the sole breadwinner, that might just be an option with some fringe benefits to boot!

jules said...

When your a Mom you'll always worry about what job you have, when will I see my baby,Keri has a point, you don't wanna stress when your preg and maybe if you find your nook now, when you get preg you can take a leave and get back to that nook, I think finding something after will be harder. I am still trying to find my nook, and Emily will be 3 1/2...