I really need to make a decision, or at least start analyzing my current position and start thinking about change. I don't talk about my job much cuz I'm so afraid of who will read this.
But, today, I just don't care.
I'm tired, anxious, and unhappy. Yes, the anxiety is partly caused by the craziness of the wedding, money stress and trying to improve my credit...but the majority of it is that I really dislike my job. There has been so much change and mucho drama within the past two years here that it's not even the same place anymore...even the people have morphed (I've been here for four years). I can't go into too many details but let me just say that I'm not a happy ME anymore while working here. It gets harder and harder every day to roll out of bed and come in here and put on a smiley face and be nice to all the annoying people on the phone and to try to repeatedly ignore all the drama that goes on, on a weekly basis.
And I have gone from a person who only pops a 1/2 an anxiety pill like once every 3-4 months when needed, to someone who has been popping a whole pill 1-2 times a week cuz it is always needed. I'm not happy about that.
And then you throw into the mix that I'm getting married in 16 days and we plan on trying immediately to conceive. Daryl and I are both ready for a child and so very excited at the thought of becoming parents. But then of course where does that put me, with working? We've already discussed it but I can't be what I would love...a stay at home mom. I've shed many a tear about this...I'm not one of those people who has a killer career and loves what she does and can't imagine giving it up. I would gladly walk out of here tomorrow to be home with children. I know motherhood will be the "career" I've always wanted. I know I'll have my good days and my bad days, I'm not naive about it, but I know I will get so much more of a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment out of raising children then any other job has given me thus far. I want to be home with them and not miss a thing...I don't want daycare to be the first people to see my child walk, talk, try something new etc. That being said, I still need to work to make a living. We can't survive on Big D's income alone. Well, let me rephrase that, we could, but until I get my credit back into good shape and get out of this hole we're in, me not working and bringing in $$$ would only dig us in deeper. So Big D and I have agreed that I should work part time, this way I don't have to have my kids in childcare full time and feel like I'm missing out on them growing up, and yet I'll still also be bringing in a paycheck, albeit a smaller one.
This is a scary thought to me. Cuz now I gotta worry about changing jobs. Even though it sucks where I am currently, there are some pluses to it. It's not all bad all the time. The people are genuinely nice people. I know I could tough it out, and overlook the bad, if I was only here on a part time basis, instead of the current 9 hours a day, five days a week. However, my job is not a part time position. No way, no how. SO this means I'd have to dive back into the job-hunting scene doing the same type of boring clerical work I've done for the past, oh I don't know, twelve years or so. And the question comes into play...when do I do this? Do I start looking now, but then close down the road get pregnant, which I do not think is fair to a new employer? Do I wait until after I have a baby, but then stress out about not bringing in any type of paycheck in the meantime until someone hires me? I'm feeling very perplexed about the whole thing. I know some of you are probably thinking "Who cares? Cross that bridge when you come to it" but that's not how I operate. I have to, need to plan things out. I feel like I have more control over my life that way.
I'm just feeling very unsettled and apprehensive. And I don't like it one bit.