Tuesday, April 22, 2008

So, the news is not good.

My Grammie's doctor told her she'd find out the results from her PET scan a week from yesterday. Yesterday, a week sooner than anticipated, she got a phone call to please come in to his office immediately. My mom brought her in and I happened to call when they were driving there so Mom said she'd call me back later once they were home and settled in. Around 4:30pm, my Mom called me at work.

"Well, Mom, what happened at the doctor's?"

"The news is not good, April." My mom said and my stomach dropped. It was like it was six years ago, with me sitting at my desk at work (granted a completely different desk and office and town) and hearing those words, yet wishing to hear something else. Gripping the receiver so tightly in my white-knuckled grip, struggling not to cry in front of people. Trying to sound strong, like my mother sounded. No tremor in her voice.

"Your grandmother has Stage 4 cancer."

Stage 4. Same stage that Dad was diagnosed at. Ahh, man, is life just going to continue to throw these curve balls at us, one after another? I know my Grammie is no spring chicken, but why cancer? Why, why, why??

The cancer started at the very back of her tongue, in her throat. From there it spread to her lymph nodes (hence causing the nodule she has on her neck which is what made her concerned). Cancer that has already spread is never a good thing. Stage 4 is not a good thing. When her doctor had finished telling her and my mother all of this, he said, "Annette, science has made great strides in this type of cancer treatment. You just have to hope for good luck." Both my mom and my grandmother laughed and Grammie replied, "Good luck? Obviously you don't know our family." I'm thankful for that sense of humor. I hope it continues to help get her through this.

She will be doing some type of chemo or radiation (we'll find out more once she meets with her oncologist) but she refuses to start till after the wedding. She wants to look good and feel up to my wedding. I want that for her.

I'm so fucking bitter right now and feeling very selfish that I'm upset for me. I feel like everyone is being taken away from me one by one. I know no one lives forever but I'm just not ready, or willing, to give her up yet. I wanted so much for all my family members to see my accomplishments in life. I remember when my Nana died when I was thirteen I was so devastated at the thought that she'd never see me get my license, or graduate in cap and gown. And then I always assumed I'd have my dad to walk me down the aisle, to hold his grandchild in his arms...yet he won't. He didn't get to see me buy my first home three years ago (something I know he would have been so proud of) nor will he ever get to meet my Daryl. I always figured I'd have all four of my grandparents here to see me get married, but six months before dad died I lost my maternal grandfather suddenly, and a year after dad, I lost my paternal grandfather after a long illness.

I'm down to one grandparent. I need her to be there. My best friend, April, made a very good point to me. She lost her grandmother a couple years ago but she said she is so very thankful her Grandma was here to see her get married. Granted, she won't be here to hold her great grandchild when April has one, but she gets great comfort out of the look of joy on her Grandma's face in the pictures she has of that special day. And she cherishes those. She is so right though...I gotta keep telling myself to think about the here and now and to appreciate the time I do have. To stop dwelling on what I won't have. It's fucking hard but I'm going to try.



13 comments:

Melissa said...

I'll tell you what I tell Hope. Family that have passed are never any further away than your heart and your mind. You can keep them alive by talking about them and remembering them to your loved ones.

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandma. I can imagine this is the last thing you need at this point in time. I'll start praying for her...

~**Dawn**~ said...

(((HUGS)))
I often wonder which is "easier": knowing that a loved one may or may not be with us for much longer or having them taken abruptly. On one hand we get more time with them and on the other we don't have it looming over us. I've had it both ways & I still can't answer that question. I guess all we can do is treat every day like it could be the last & cherish every moment with those we love. =(

Amy said...

Today is the 21st anniversary of my grandmother dying of cancer, I was 11, so I feel for you right now. This totally sucks, I'm so sorry for you! You're right, try to look at the positive of the time you do have left with her, but it's okay to be sad for what she won't get to see, too.

Steph said...

Your right this fucking sucks, it sucks big time but in some strange way I wish I were you instead of me. I never had grandparents they all died before I came along. I am envious of those who have them. I know this sticks right now but hold on to the fact you have had her all your life and she will be there for you big day! I will keep you in my thoughts. ((((hugs))))

Melek said...

I'm SO sorry April...keep us posted. we'll be thinking about you and your family.

Rhea said...

Oh, no, I'm so sorry. :o(

Robyn said...

I was wondering how she was doing as I clicked on your blog. I'm really sorry it wasn't better news. I'm really hoping she is there to enjoy your day.

Keri said...

Honey i am so sorry! I wish i had some magic words to make the pain ease... Just know your grandma and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
((hugs)) to freakin April.

Cecily R said...

I'm so sorry April. Just so sorry.

Dan Mega said...

I'm sorry to hear this bad news. =(

jessica said...

i am sossososososo sorry that your gradma has been diagnosed with such a terrible disease. she, you, and your family are all in my thoughts and prayers, april.

Kori said...

News like this is never easy for anyone. I know because I am going through this same situation now as well. Except it's with my husband Richard. Just take your days one at a time. And marvel in the time you have.

Heather said...

a big hug to you!
hang in there.