Babies, babies, babies.....*SIGH*. The craziness has begun already.
I know I said I wasn't going to post about Big D and I trying to conceive (cuz I'm afraid of jinxing myself, not becuz I don't want to share my feelings with you guys or anything!) but I need you all to give me a kick in the pants already and tell me to STOP OBSESSING.
I think about getting preggo EVERY. SECOND. OF. THE. DAY. And it doesn't help that everyone who really knows me, knows how badly I want it, and every day at least one person asks me "So, are you pregnant yet?" ARGH! It almost feels like there is this pressure on me to conceive immediately! Too much pressure!
I've learned way more about ovulation and fertility than I ever wanted to know before. And now, so has Daryl. Heh. I don't want to stress out about something that is a GOOD thing. I know I should just have that mentality, "When it happens, it happens." But how do you not let yourself be consumed by the process? This is only the beginning...I realize it could take a long time for me to get pregnant...so how do I convince myself to just sorta go with the flow? Yes, I'm still going to monitor my cycle and all that jazz, but I want to not feel like a warden to my prisoner of sex ,(ha!) Big D..."Open up your cell door, it's time!" It's only been one month and already I feel like Big D is stressed out by my calendars and temperatures and egg and sperm talk!
And please don't tell me to that we have all the time in the world, don't worry about it...I am a 31 year old (and in six months more time a 32 year old) woman who is so ready for motherhood! I always scoffed at that whole "biological clock" thing that everyone (mostly men) teases about, but I've tried to convey it to Daryl...it's almost like this need in me, or an ache that needs to be nurtured back to health. I feel like a part of me is missing and every day that goes by, that feeling worsens, that "hole" grows bigger and bigger. I know this might sound melodramatic to some of you, but that's how I feel. I can't help that. What I can help, though, is trying to stay de-stressed. I need to remember to take care of ME and be good to myself. Get my pedicure. Read a chapter or two in my book when time permits. Bake. Spend a slow-moving, relaxing weekend day with Big D doing nothing of importance. Whatever makes me happy. I'm sure once I manage to do this, my body will start the process on it's own. I don't need to push and prod and poke it into submission. (Right now I have a visual of me holding a cattle prod or something, shouting, "Procreate, damn it! Procreate!")
I just need to be.