(I almost didn't post this...cuz it's just what's in my head right now, not necessarily something I felt the need to share, and I don't want people to think all I do is whine. But since this blog has now taken the place of my trusty journal, which I have been writing in since 1986, and since it IS my blog and I can cry if I want to--I stole that line from Stephanie, it's just too true and right-on-- if I can't post my thoughts freely here, then what is the point of me even having a blog? Right?
So, I'd like to think that I've been better about not obsessing so much regarding the whole baby-making business.
Yes, I'm using the OTK and yes, every time I get my period I sigh and end up in a cranky mood the rest of the day, but I'm not totally freaking out about it. I thought I had come to the realization that: my time will come for children and right now I'm just going to enjoy the process and relish the quiet, relaxing time with Big D while I still have it.
And then last night happened.
My friend came over with her 2-year-old and I swear to God, just kissing her little cheek or running my fingers through that silky hair...I swear it's like my womb constricted and held it's breath. And begged for a baby of it's own.
How the hell can I convince my brain to be calm and patient about trying to conceive when my damn body won't cooperate?
I'm not necessarily looking for answers from anyone...I know this is just how it is and I have to deal with it. And please don't tell me to "just relax" (I have been hearing that way too much lately, and although it's well-meaning, it's pushing me closer to the edge, I think)...I just needed to vent. I know lots of you have felt similar feelings so I guess it just helps to know I'm not totally crazy and childish for being so f*%$ing impatient.