Friday, July 18, 2008

(I almost didn't post this...cuz it's just what's in my head right now, not necessarily something I felt the need to share, and I don't want people to think all I do is whine. But since this blog has now taken the place of my trusty journal, which I have been writing in since 1986, and since it IS my blog and I can cry if I want to--I stole that line from Stephanie, it's just too true and right-on-- if I can't post my thoughts freely here, then what is the point of me even having a blog? Right?

So, I'd like to think that I've been better about not obsessing so much regarding the whole baby-making business.

Yes, I'm using the OTK and yes, every time I get my period I sigh and end up in a cranky mood the rest of the day, but I'm not totally freaking out about it. I thought I had come to the realization that: my time will come for children and right now I'm just going to enjoy the process and relish the quiet, relaxing time with Big D while I still have it.

Yeah, right.

And then last night happened.

My friend came over with her 2-year-old and I swear to God, just kissing her little cheek or running my fingers through that silky hair...I swear it's like my womb constricted and held it's breath. And begged for a baby of it's own.

Crap.

How the hell can I convince my brain to be calm and patient about trying to conceive when my damn body won't cooperate?

I'm not necessarily looking for answers from anyone...I know this is just how it is and I have to deal with it. And please don't tell me to "just relax" (I have been hearing that way too much lately, and although it's well-meaning, it's pushing me closer to the edge, I think)...I just needed to vent. I know lots of you have felt similar feelings so I guess it just helps to know I'm not totally crazy and childish for being so f*%$ing impatient.

T.G.I.F....Blah.

18 comments:

krissy said...

You are next on my line up girl....
It took me awhile to figure out which picture I wanted to use. I would never, ever forget about you. But if I overload on sexy pictures then people won't look at each picture as I am looking at them. You are next....I promise.

The babymaking thing....um. I'm going with this story. I was not supposed to have my daughter. I was told to abort my daughter. I had my daughter. I was never able to have another child after that. I miscarried once.

I know the heartbreak in a difference since and I can feel your pain. You can try putting your butt in the upside down position after sex....gravity helps the little sperms get there easier.

Vent all you want. It's okay. And if all else fails, try accupunture or hypnosis. Don't snort at me.....I know these things help and they are not medications. Try it.......

Where the hell is your email address anyway????

Stephanie said...

I dont have any words of advise, but to tell you we are here to listen!! Vent all you want girl.
My best friend is going through the exact thing right now..I've learned to just be a shoulder to lean on..there is nothing anyone can say to make it better.
Best of luck to you!
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

Julie said...

You have to vent! It is healthy. And as for listening, that's what we are here for.

Vent Vent Away!!

I SOOOO know what your feeling, I was obsessed for 3 yrs. I knew every little thing my body was doing, it was hard to know that it didn't work before I even got a period. But I had medical issues.

I have a book or two you could read, but all my books are packed and in the 'country'-DAMN!

Tonight is FUN night!!!! We will have TONS of fun....And we can talk about whatever we want!!!!

Oh and last Saturday I was at Chele and I saw Boxer shorts from across the way- Heheheheheheheheeee

Kel said...

I won't tell you to "just relax" because I know that is hard. I won't tell you "it will get better" because I am not the all knowing.

I will say, however, that it is ok to vent...we are all here for you if you want to vent.

And I will say I'm sorry - not because it's something I could change, but because I can feel your pain from here and wish there was something I could do to make it better.

Sending hugs your way...
~K

Krystyn said...

Okay, well, since I can't tell you to relax....why not get it on A LOT!!! Maybe your cycle isn't as regular as you think! And, hey, what's more fun, right?

Seriously, though, vent away. I hope I'm being understanding...unfortunately, I can't really relate.

Keri said...

Obsess honey... obsess away!

Anyone that has ever deep down begged and desired a baby knows these feelings you are going through. That huge high when you are even one day late.. the what if's ... the watching 'TLC baby story' till you no longer can see through the tears.

I''m not telling you to relax... just know that your feelings are ABSOLUTELY 100% normal. There's nothing wrong or bad about that deep pit that forms when you touch, see, or smell a baby.

So please use this great forum to vent and document your feelings. I;m sure your little one will someday love to know just HOW much his/her mommie WANTED them...


All i can say is it WILL happen. Just try not to 'break' big D before it does... you may want two children . LOL

Xbox4NappyRash said...

I wouldn't worry too much, I've started getting womb contractions at times too, and I don't even bloody have one!

Jen @ The Cubicle's Backporch said...

I'm not in any way trying to have a child right now, but I can see how frustrating it would be to be like "okay, I'm ready now. Where is it?!" I'm compulsive about everything and patient about nothing, so I can't imagine being in your position. It would drive me crazy.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!!

Melissa said...

I can't say anything better than what Keri said. I know how it feels to have someone tell you to relax...as if you didn't already know that or haven't already tried.

Joe had the big V last Saturday and I held a newborn the night before...let me tell you I had to think twice...and I'm done having kids.

Hang in there!! (((hugs)))

kittyconcerto.com said...

VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT VENT Away! That's what a damn blog is for anyway.

You know exactly how I feel about all this. Wait, you do right? All I can say is that this is the best "job" in the whole world. What other job starts off naked and ends up with ANOTHER naked individual??

Ok. I'm cut off. That sounded weird and wrong.

Big Hugs!!!!

Poltzie said...

I also hated when others told me to relax. I also wanted it so badly I would cry, it's ok, and normal! It's a sign that you will be a wonderful mommy!
You will conceive even when stressed, I promise! I remember the not knowing part was the hardest for me, ugh! It's the only thing in the world where no matter how hard you try, you aren't guaranteed results.
I'm sorry hun - BIG HUGS!!
ps. Keep venting, no one thinks you are whiner, life isn't full of shushine and rainbows!

Jaina said...

::hugs:: You vent away, it's necessary. I hope your body starts cooperating soon. And in the meantime, vent...and eat chocolate. ;)

The Captain's Wife said...

It'll happen. I won't say "be patient" or "Relax". Bottom line it takes the average couple up to 12 months to conceive a baby. The reasoning for that is that you literally have like a 48-72 hour window each month that you can "nail it" (pun intended !!).

OPK's are good an all, but they just measure the hormone that is ramping up to ovulate..it doesn't mean that you are actually going to ovulate. Your body can "ramp up" multiple times in a cycle. Things like stress, illness, excercise and stop the O from occuring.

Also the online ovulation calendars are not accurate as you may not O on day 14 of your cycle..you may O early or late. The only real way to know is to Temp for a couple of months.

Just keep at it!

Have you tried Temping? If not, do some research on Basal Body temping. Go to WebMD.com to the message boards and read some posts on Trying to Conceive just starting off, there is a wealth of knowledge on there!!

Robyn said...

I'll just send you hopeful vibes. It will happen.

Dan Mega said...

That isn't your womb, its your stomach cursing you for that jumbo burrito you had for lunch!

~**Dawn**~ said...

It's so hard to really want something you have no control over, isn't it? (((HUGS)))

Flea said...

You need to just be more UPTIGHT. Yeah. That'll do it. :)

Cecily R said...

All I can say April, is that no matter when it happens for you, that baby will be one lucky little person. :)