I was thinking I might have good news to share with you all today.
I was hoping I might have good news to share with you all today.
I was wrong.
My period was two days late as of yesterday. I've never had a late period before.
I tried to not get swept away on that wave of hopefulness, despite the fact that I felt "different". Didn't have my usual period-symptoms. I was so bloated and gassy, in a way I have never felt before, for at least 3-4 days straight. Everything I ate disagreed with me and I burped it back up. I had a horrible 2-day long head ache. My boobs felt huge and heavy. I was physically exhausted, even after a full night of sleep. I was having, for lack of a better word, almost "hot flashes" where I would start to sweat profusely no matter if I was sitting in front of an a/c unit blowing full force.
Last night I was on the phone with my Mom, around 9:25 p.m., when I started to feel funny. I ran to the bathroom to pee and when I wiped, I cried out "Oh no, I'm bleeding!" I hung up with my mom and stared down at that slightly pink tissue paper and just said, "No."
Until that moment, I didn't realize just how much I had hoped for this. I didn't realize just how broken I would feel, how empty. I couldn't cry.
I've been up on and off practically the entire night with the most painful cramps I've had in years. Cramps that lasted all night, as the bleeding slowly picked up in pace. It was a lot slower than my regular periods flow in the first day and brighter. And I can't say enough how painful my cramps were. And yet I couldn't cry.
Until this morning. Laying in bed next to Daryl who was trying to make me feel better, make me laugh, make me feel.
I know this isn't the end. I'm know I can "try again" and that "it will happen eventually". But first I just need to get over the loss of what might have been.