Thursday, August 14, 2008

I was thinking I might have good news to share with you all today.



I was hoping I might have good news to share with you all today.



I was wrong.



My period was two days late as of yesterday. I've never had a late period before.



I tried to not get swept away on that wave of hopefulness, despite the fact that I felt "different". Didn't have my usual period-symptoms. I was so bloated and gassy, in a way I have never felt before, for at least 3-4 days straight. Everything I ate disagreed with me and I burped it back up. I had a horrible 2-day long head ache. My boobs felt huge and heavy. I was physically exhausted, even after a full night of sleep. I was having, for lack of a better word, almost "hot flashes" where I would start to sweat profusely no matter if I was sitting in front of an a/c unit blowing full force.



Last night I was on the phone with my Mom, around 9:25 p.m., when I started to feel funny. I ran to the bathroom to pee and when I wiped, I cried out "Oh no, I'm bleeding!" I hung up with my mom and stared down at that slightly pink tissue paper and just said, "No."



Until that moment, I didn't realize just how much I had hoped for this. I didn't realize just how broken I would feel, how empty. I couldn't cry.

I've been up on and off practically the entire night with the most painful cramps I've had in years. Cramps that lasted all night, as the bleeding slowly picked up in pace. It was a lot slower than my regular periods flow in the first day and brighter. And I can't say enough how painful my cramps were. And yet I couldn't cry.

Until this morning. Laying in bed next to Daryl who was trying to make me feel better, make me laugh, make me feel.

I know this isn't the end. I'm know I can "try again" and that "it will happen eventually". But first I just need to get over the loss of what might have been.

18 comments:

Kel said...

I'm sorry. I know there isn't much I can say to comfort you, but your time will come. Just have a little faith!
~K

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry, April... I think most people have been where you are before. Have you been using your prediction kits and temping at all? I've had luck with www.fertilityfriend.com in the past and there are great message boards there too. If you are interested. What's meant to be will always find a way...

Bekah said...

Im sorry. there is nothing i can say that will make this better, i wish I could. It will happen eventually, but that doesnt change the pain you feel now. im so sorry you are feeling this.

Melissa said...

No advice, just (((hugs)))

Hang in there!

Chele76 said...

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

Flea said...

See your doctor, April. My periods started changing in my mid-30's and I thought I was going through menopause really early. A lot like what you're describing. Turns out my progesterone was very low. And the progesterone cream comes with a warning that it will make me more fertile.

I'm SO SO sorry it's not a little one incubating inside.

Stephanie said...

Sending a big hug your way! I'm so sorry

Heather said...

hang in there! it will happen, especially when you least expect it and when you are not concentrating on trying so much...i am speaking from much experience with these statements!

angie said...

I'm so, so sorry. Hope can be a double edged sword, can't it?

tricki_nicki said...

Dang it. Dang it. Dang it.

I'll be praying my guts out for you in two weeks when I know you're ovulating.

I know, that's weird.

Morgan said...

Ohh April...I'm so sorry. Since I just barely started reading your blog, I really don't know what is going on with you- but either way I have been there and I know it hurts. Stephanie was right..what's meant to be will ALWAYS find a way.

Kathryn said...

I'm sorry.

Robyn said...

Hugs. I hope it happens this month.

Krystyn said...

Sorry April. Keep that chin up. And keep your faith.

The Captain's Wife said...

When you are TTC there is nothing worse than when AF (Aunt Flow) rears her ugly head....

Just remember it WILL happen...when the right sperm meets the right egg. :)

It took us 5 months to conceive the first time and then I had a MC 1 week later, then it took us another 2 months before we conceived again....

Give it time, don;t lose hope, and have FUN while trying :)

Julie said...

I'm sorry sweetie!! I've been there,if you ever need to talk baby making shoot me an email, I never get sick of it. With all my issues ttc I learned alot (I also worked for a GYN that did minor infertility treatments)

I NEVER thought I would have a baby, and was actually told that by one DR, and here she is.....

The body is a funny thing, Like K said it needs the perfect egg & perfect sperm......That's why it sometimes takes awhile....

Dan Mega said...

My older brother and his wife had to keep trying over and over again. Trust me, its gonna happen.

Jaina said...

::hugs::