Thursday, October 16, 2008

Wednesday really sucked.

(I hear that seemed to be a trend in the blog-world yesterday, incidentally.)

Work was really, really crappy. I found out about some changes going on at my company, some that will affect MY job as well (not being laid off or anything, just additions to my job description) and I'm not happy whatsoever about it. I don't really feel like going into the details, I'll just say that I don't like where things are going. That coupled with a busy day at work, put me into a foul mood (but also solidified my determination to really start looking for another job, hardcore. No more waiting for one to fall in my lap!)

Then around noon-ish, I called my mom to say hello (I actually wanted to tell her that a certain song was on the radio, it's a song that my dad used to belt out at the top of his lungs, so whenever it comes on, we usually giggle about it) and after I told her and laughed, and noticed she didn't laugh with me, I asked what was wrong.

"Your grandmother is in the hospital again."


Brought back down to reality, after my moment of smiles.

Apparently, Tuesday night my Grammie called my mom (who lives on the 3rd floor, my Gram lives on the 1st) and asked her if she could feed AJ dinner, cuz she was throwing up. (AJ is my nine-year-old cousin who she babysits for about 3x a week while my uncle is working his second shift job.) So AJ came upstairs and my mom made him some hot dogs and they settled down on the couch together to watch a movie.

The phone rang again.

My mom answered to hear a tiny, sickly-sounding voice say, "Cheryl, please help me. I cant stop throwing up."

My mom and AJ ran downstairs to find my grandmother on the floor in her living room, at this point just dry-heaving, babbling and slightly incoherent. My mom immediately called 911. Poor AJ started to freak out saying, "Please don't let my Mimi die!" This is his FOURTH time watching his Mimi be taken away by an ambulance...THREE of those times before he was the only one home with her and had to call 911 himself. This poor kid is going to be traumatized when our grandmother, God forbid, does die. Becuz obviously it will happen someday. I'm a grown-up...I realize that (even though it breaks my heart to think about it). But AJ? It's got to be hard to see that. I remember when my paternal grandmother died when I was 13. It was hard enough to deal with at THAT age, I can't even imagine having to deal with it any younger.

Anyway, my mom sent AJ out to the front porch "wait for the ambulance and fire truck" but really to just get him out of the house so he wouldn't have to see his grandmother lying on the floor. When the ambulance got there, the EMT's asked my grandmother if she had eaten anything out of the norm. She did in fact eat a chocolate that someone had brought back from Hawaii recently. She was adamant that the chocolate was "poisoned". My grandmother is not crazy or anything, however, ever since her hip replacement and the general anesthesia she had, she has come out with really strange thoughts and ideas. So she kept saying that there was "white powder" on the chocolate. She showed the EMT's the chocolates which looked perfectly normal and my mom insisted to them, when my grandmother could not hear, that she watched her eat the chocolate earlier and it was normal-looking. No "powder".

On the way to the hospital they began hydrating her becuz she was severely dehydrated. Yesterday (after her first night there) the doctor's still had no idea what was wrong. Her heart seemed fine, her blood pressure was only slightly elevated. But he would not let her go home. They continued to hydrate her and sometime between late yesterday and today they were going to do a CAT scan of her stomach. My worst that the cancer has spread. That's the worst case scenario. I'm hoping (praying), on the other hand, that it's just a food she ate, or something reacting negatively with one of her medications. *SIGH*

I don't expect her to live forever, I'm not that naive, but I'm just not ready for her to go yet. She's my only living grandparent. I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again, I want her to see a great-grandchild. I want her to be alive to experience that. She wants to experience that. She's the only grandparent I had at my wedding and I damn well want her to keep going until I get pregnant and have a baby! Call me selfish, but I want that.

And on the whole baby-makin' front? We're moving onto our sixth cycle TTC. I know that's "nothing" and like a drop in the bucket to some, but it feels like FOREVER to me. Like eternity multipeld by a billion. I'm so ready to become a mother. I'm tired of that ache I feel when I hold other people's children (while simultaneously keeping the happy grin plastered on my face becuz yes I am happy for them and I don't want my friends to think I'm not!). I'm tired of not being able to walk through a store without trailing my hand along the baby clothes that seem to scream at me as I walk by. I'm tired of people asking me, "So? When are you gonna get pregnant?" DON'T YOU THINK WE'RE WORKING ON IT, PEOPLE???

I'm sorry I repeatedly talk about this, I bet some of you are like "Enough complaining already! It's only been six months!" I try not to make my blog center around it, but some days, the feelings just rear up and seem to kick me in the face. I'm doing everything I can. I've started temping this month (basal body temp) and as crazy as it sounds to some of you, I'm doing the whole Robitussin thing the week before you ovulate. It's supposed to help thin out your CM (and if I have to tell you what CM is, don't worry about it...LOL) and make it a hospitable place for those little Spermies! I'm ready to break out the fancy decor and the "WELCOME ALL SPERM" sign, maybe light some fragrant candles and make it an oh-so-desirable place to be. Heh. The coolest hot spot in town, little Sperm? April's Uterus. Open 24 hours daily!!!

Now....let's hope one lucky fellow decides to take up residence....


Tiaras and Tantrums said...

sorry to hear about grannie - hope all is well-

remember - "your slippery days" are your best baby making days! see American Mum for her post on this

Tara @ Living A Dream said...

Hey April - I'm sorry to hear about your grandma and your job. You'll have to keep us updated about both. I'll keep you in my prayers. Don't ever feel bad about chatting infertility on your blog, after all it is YOUR blog! I come to read about you and YOUR life. That's what makes your blog real. I love that your uterus is open 24 hours daily- too funny!

Stephanie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma...I will be thinking and praying for you guys!

On the baby making feel free to talk about it all you want! Thats what we are here listen and help each other out!!
Glad to here you "store" is open 24 hours (lol)...hope a lil spermie finds his way soon!! You deserve it and will make a great mommy SOON!

Melissa said...

LOL! Your slippery days are you best baby making days. That sounds so weird, but it's so true!

Good luck with that. Have you had Big D tested to make sure he's passing swimmers?

I hope your grandma starts feeling better soon!

Sweetly Single said...

~saying a prayer for you and hoping you are able to find the strength you need to get through this hard time.

angie said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma....I can empathize with not being ready for her to go just yet. And poor AJ. Please keep us updated

About the baby making business. I'm so sorry it's taking so long. It's just not fair that some people have a harder time than others. My cousin is going through her 5th round of IVF. I've learned so much from her. Mainly how emotionally, financially and physically taxing it is. She helped me with my twins when they came home from the hospital. She was a god send, and I know that it was hard for her because she wanted one of her own so badly. She has gone on to have a baby, but it's been hard, and I'm thankful for her because it really opened my eyes.

And so, short story long, I'm sending you a huge cyber hug. I know that what you are going through is not easy.

Kori said...

I am really sorry to hear that your Grams is having a hardtime. I'll be praying for her and your family.

As well as the sperm to take up residence. April's Uterus open 24 hours had me laughing so hard.

Love ya bunches.

the cubicle's backporch said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. Keep us updated on her.

And it's your blog, you can talk about your frustration if you want to!

Stephanie said...

April, you can keep talking about the baby thing if that is what is on your mind. I will not think badly of you at all. This is your blog where you talk about YOU. The rest of us read to listen, give advice and try to help as much as we can and share in your ups and downs.
I think taking your BBT is the best way to go. Eventually you will find out what works best for you! I just know it :)

Kel said...

Sorry you had such a crappy day! I hope your grandmother gets better soon...I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!
~K said...

Oh sweetie, My heart goes out to you and your grandmother. I hope things go well.

And I wouldn't recommend a sign, however pretty, that reads "ALL sperm welcome". Big D might get a tad bit upset over that one. LOL.

I've been getting a lot of "oh, you don't have children? Well don't you WANT children?". I wanna say sometimes "nope. They are drolly, nasty, awful little midgets. Your right. Thanks for asking, I was hoping to say that I hate children and THAT'S why we don't have any yet."

bitter??? Me??? NAH. Keep your chin up girl.

Mega said...

I hope things get better with your grandma and the baby makin'. Chin up.

Amy said...

Good thoughts for grammie. You should go my friend Jenn's blog, She was TTC for more than 2 years, IVF, clomid, thought about adoption, then gave up. And now she has a 2 year old. She was really open about the whole thing, even the "my cousin is pregnant and I HATE her right now" stuff.

Robyn said...

Are they adding more pay with added duties??
I really hope your grandmother gets well.

Melek said...

awww, poor girl. it sounds like a bad week. i'm really sorry to hear about you grandmother. hopefully it WAS just the chocolate or some conflicting meds. keep us posted.

and remember, the weekend is coming!

The Captain's Wife said...

Honey--this is your blog. You talk about baby making, CM, and ehatever else you want when you want!

I never could get into BBT...I just couldn't do it everyday before moving, and well I get up to pee at least twice a night when i am not pregnant, so I never have a 3 hour period where I am sleeping.

Good luck with this cycle.

As far as Gram goes..I am really sorry. I lost my Gram in March and I was SO close to her. Having a loved one be sick and failing is one of the most difficult things. I was KU'ed the 1st time when she died..I didn;t tell her becasue I did not want her to hold on and suffer to see it. I gave up my selfeshness for her comfort. I am glad I didn;t tell her since i lost that pregnancy, and could not imagine her making it an entire another year in that amount of pain.

Grandy said...

I don't know what's up with the comments on today's I'm going to comment on both here.

I'm so sorry about your "mimi" getting sick again. That BITES! It definitely puts things in perspective for you on an already crappy day, doesn't it? Hang in there and I'm sending hugs your way.

On the pumpkin patch...How sweet of D to carry the pumpkins for you. In the pics it looks like he's walking with quite the pep in his step. (Kid at Christmas?) ;)

Jaina said...

Oh April. ::hugs:: I'll be praying for your Grandma. Please keep us updated as you can.
Your blog is yours, and you can write whatever you want. Having a baby is really important to you, I don't mind reading about it. I want to say good that appropriate? Lol. Well, good luck on the baby making front. ;)

Bluevelvet24 said...

I hope that your Grandma will get better soon. I know how you feel when you see other people's children and want your own. I get that feeling all the time lately. I am not in the place to try conceiving however. I have five more years of school to go first. Good luck to you! If it helps, I read an article that after six months of trying, you might want to consider consulting a specialist.

Poltzie said...

Oh April,
No ONE thinks that you are complaining. I tried for four months and it was horrible. Six months is a long time and I know that ache, I remember it 100%. I'm not sure why it's taking this long but this baby will be so loved!
Please update about your grandma, I'm thinking about you!!