Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I am thankful for my husband, my mom and brother, Big D's totally fabulous family, my dogs and cats...
(gratuitious puppy photo coming up...come on, like you thought I woudn't post another??)
...my new foster puppy, my awesome friends, the roof over our heads, the delicious Thanksgiving meal that will be in our bellies, my health, my paychecks every two weeks (even though the job itself sucs, ha) and basically...LIFE.
Oh, and before I forget? I'm also thankful for comfy sweat pants, cheddar cheese, endless dish towels (thanks to my weddign shower), flat screen TVs, my husband's super warm skin which in turn warms my freezing cold feet and hands, ponytail holders, horror movies, the Twilight and Harry Potter series, Mac's 'Hug Me' lipstick, clean sheets, my backyard and peanut butter cups. Mmmm...
HAPPY TURKEY DAY, EVERYONE!! EAT, DRINK AND BE MERRY!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
This week off from work has definitely NOT been a vacation so far. Between 3-4 times waking up during the night for the puppy crying to go outside (don't worry, Big D has been on night patrol!) and repeatedly puppy training (bazillions of outdoor visits, feedings 3x a day, occasional doggy whining and cleaning the carpet), food shopping for Thanksgiving, and endless amounts of baking (so far I've made a pumpkin pie, a cheesecake--still in the oven as I type this--and peanut butter blossom cookies)...I. AM. EXHAUSTED.
How do you Mommy's do it? In no way am I saying raising a puppy is like raising child nor am I comjparing your child to a dog, heh heh, but I'm just saying the demands must have similar moments. I give you all oodles of credit for running your household while being busy, hands-on Mommies!
I'll be lucky if my house is cleaned by Thanksgiving.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
But that's not all. We are also prepared for endless puppy dog kisses, tickly nose-rubs, Tucker excitedly playing outside with his new pal, giggling at adorable puppy antics, and endless photographs being snapped. Yes, it's offical....
He's already stolen our hearts.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Oh, yes it's Ladie's Night, oh what a night! (Thanks for getting that stuck in my head, Mrs. Kitty!)
I do love my girls.
Stacey, Me, Jessica
'Chel and I
Mini-Me (April #2) and preggo Sarah.
Me and Julie. Yay! Your eyes are open, Julie!
I planned a sort of last minute (well planned it last week) Girl's Night for last night. I went out and bought oodles of wine, some munchies, and cleaned up the house.
My big 'ol booty. See, how my finger gets LOST? Must. Keep. Up. Weight. Watchers.
Jessica's much, MUCH tinier booty.
Michele getting her text on!
And while everyone was over, I of course whipped out my camera. No Girl's Night would be complete without silly pictures!
I tell ya, my girls rock. So word of advice? If you are having a cranky week? Buy some wine, some yummy finger snacks, and cackle all night like hens.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Oh, the horror!!
So instead I decided to to bore you with the current mundane antics of my life. Daryl and I went grocery shopping last night for Thanksgiving dinner stuff. Yes, I know, it's like a week early, however we have other pressing bills to be paid next week and we BOTH don't get paid again (I get paid bi-weekly while he gets paid weekly) till the day AFTER Thanksgiving. So yeah, that's not gonna help. I'm making Thanksgiving dinner for us, my mom and possibly her boyfriend, Daryl's Dad and his Grandma. Nice and low-key. I took the entire week off from work next week (normally I'd just have off Thanksgiving and the day after) so I'll plenty of time to prepare some of my side dishes, clean the house AND make my homemade pumpkin pie and cheesecake. I much prefer homemade desserts to store-bought for the holidays!
Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, I'm totally, completely, head-over-heels in love with our friend, Brian's, BMW. It's a pretty freakin' sweet ride! Big D is hunting today, tomorrow and Friday which means he needed the truck (we only have one personal vehicle. And Big D has his work van but he can't take that for personal use on weekends or days off) which meant I would be left vehicle-less. So we asked Brian if we could borrow his car (he has a work car that is his main set of wheels so his beamer usually just sits in the driveway). Anyway I nervously started to drive this morning--I always get anxious driving other people's cars--but once I got cruising, I was seriously enjoying it! I forgot how much fun it is to drive a car after only driving our truck for the past three years or so. So, now I'm wondering if I can get away with never giving Brian his BMW back...do you think I have a chance???
Fun stuff coming up this week. Tomorrow night is Girl's Night at my house...wine, yummy snacks and about seven to eight of us hens clucking away. Friday night I am just planning on chilling out and taking in...EDWARD in all his glory. Oh yes, Big D and I are going to the movies, baby. Saturday will be errands and cleaning during the day and in the evening we'll be going out to dinner at a nearby German Restaurant with Sarah and her hubby and Michele. Eins, zwei, drei...das Bier ich will trinken!! (okay, seriously? I haven't taken any German since like sophomore or junior year so if you are fluent in German, don't nag me about how the set up of this sentence probably makes no sense...you get the point!). I can't remember if we have anything going on Sunday...so hopefully that means we DON'T. I would love a relaxing Sunday--unlike my past two!
Oh, and I found out our wedding dvds are ready this weekend! Granted, we're totally po' this week so we can't afford the final pay off until at least next week so I'm (im)patiently waiting to see our wedding dvd!!! I'll let you know how it comes out when I finally get to watch it.
So, that is the utter excitement that is my life right now. Don't be jealous, 'kay?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Today is my weigh-in day so I stripped down this morning and hopped on the scale to see what the "damage" was.
I'm down 1.5 lbs!!
For a total now of 2.5 lbs (cuz I lost one pound the previous week when I was only half-heartedly doing weight watchers).
It's a small number, I know (and like one of my friends pointed out, bursting my happy bubble, "That's great...although it's probably just water weight." WHATEV) but it's still 2.5 lbs GONE, that I hope to never see again. And I'm of the weight watchers mind-set that "slow and steady" wins the race. At least for me, anyway. I can't speak for anyone else. I definitely am a slow and steady loser (heh).
Big D's company Christmas party is coming up December 13th (the day after my birthday!!) so I want to look good for that. I would love to be down at least 5-8 lbs by then (I'm not putting any insane amounts of pressure on myself though cuz that is where I get all screwy and then end up sabotaging myself).
So, 5-8 lbs. by my birthday...that's my mini-goal, I guess you could say. Wish me luck!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday I went over Sarah's house to hang with her and Julia for a bit. We hit up the mall for a quick visit (I needed a new lipstick), then grabbed pizza for lunch (yes, I had pizza two days in a row and I loved every minute of it. AND yes I stayed within my points range...WOO HOO!!!). I had fun teasing little Julia, who is two and a half, that we would be naming her future little sister Pizza or Ginger Ale and then watching her giggle and tell me "No, April! Not Pizza!" Later on, I went home where Daryl was doing stuff around the house. We vegged out the rest of the evening and watched plenty of television to rot our brains. I read some more of my Jodi Picoult book, Perfect Match.
Sunday Daryl and I got up early and headed out to run some errands which included Starbucks, Lowe's and BJ's. At BJ's we bought our fabulous Christmas gift to each other: a 32 inch flat screen TV for our bedroom (with the wall-mounting hardware). Then I proceeded to clean the kitchen and the living room to prepare for my Girl's Night this Thursday (some of my girlies are coming over for some wine and apps...including 'Chele and Julia and Sarah. I can't wait! But now I still have to clean the bathroom in preparation...and I'll have to vacuum again before Thursday. Anyway, Big D did a ton of yard work which included cleaning all the freakin' leaves out of our gutters. Not fun, I'm sure. Dinner was take-out (I didn't want to mess up the nice clean kitchen!) and then we totally spent the rest of the night watching our new TV in the bedroom. The doggies snoozed at our feet.
Oh, oh, and before I forget! One of the coolest things ever! I got to talk to one of my bloggy friends on the phone last Thursday for the first time ever. Mrs. Kitty and I had had plans to meet up in NY with our hubbies (she and her hubby, Mr. Cat, were coming to NY to visit a friend) this past Sunday for a nice brunch and an early afternoon show. Unfortunately neither her nor Mr. Cat have been feeling well lately though so she had to take a rain check and rescheduled her trip. While I was totally bummed out not to get to meet this cool chick in person, I was so super excited to get the chance to talk to her on the phone for the first time! And I will not lie...before I dialed her number I took a deep shaky breath, and had butterflies in my stomach like I would get when calling a boy for the first time, I was that nervous! Heh heh. Before she answered I was doing the whole, "Oh I hope she likes me." spiel in my head. While simultaneously rolling my eyes at myself. And I was comforted by the fact that Mrs. Kitty speaks in real life EXACTLY how she speaks in her blog. She is freakin' adorable! So, girl, I can't wait to meet you and Mr. Cat in January...I hope you guys feel better soon!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I can't wait till this comes out. (Note: I think some of you aren't seeing my links? Click on the word "this" in the sentence.)
Eight more days to go.
Can I hold out, is the question? I already asked Daryl if he would take me next Friday. I had to plant the seed.
Even though he obviously has not read the books he is fine with going to see it. One thing he is not eager for is having to sit in a theater with a bunch of blubbering love-struck teenage girls (and 20-35 year old swooning crazy older chicks, like me, LOL).
Meanwhile, me? I'm just as excited as I have been for each Harry Potter movie to come out! (Ooh, that reminds me...the new Harry Potter movie will be coming out soon too! Sweet! Update: Those bastards tricked us! I originally kept hearing that it was coming out end of this year. Now it looks like HP is not coming out till July 2009. Bummer.)
Anyway, I just finished re-reading (for the 2nd time) the entire Twilight series. I am seriously good to go. Are any of you ladies just as eager as me??? What is our fascination, I wonder? What holds us all so engrossed in the characters lives, their story?
Oh, right, vampires are dead-sexy.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Really? Come on, it's not like I'm wasting away. I shouldn't BE this hungry! But let me tell you, after an episode of "What in my closet actually fits me anymore?" this morning I was ready to scream. There wasn't much there to work with. Not good.
So yes, I'm putting it out there for all the bloggy world to see. I'm getting back on track. And yes, before the holidays. If I don't start now, it will all be downhill from here! Besides I really would love to lose 20 lbs before I get pregnant (although I'd be extremely happy with 10 lbs even). And since the pregnant-thang ain't happening that quickly, it would appear I have some time to get my shit together.
Must. Say. No. To. Chocolate.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Saturday Daryl put up our new fan in the kitchen while I went over a friend's house for tea. Afterwards, we headed to Lowe's to get some stuff due to the clog in our pipes...we've had a slow drain in the tub for about a month now and when Daryl tried to put all kinds of heavy duty stuff into it that is supposed to disintegrate any blockage, it just stopped up in the tub. Yuck! And he had to tear apart all kinds of pipes in the basement and I wasn't supposed to use the hot water (although Daryl failed to tell me that...and I just flaked out) so when I turned it on, it created a type of reaction with the acid and and the entire house smelled like rotten eggs! Blech! Thankfully we had both already showered on Saturday morning cuz after that, we were unable to use the bathtub till it could be fixed! We had to put it on hold cuz we had plans to go over our friend's house for dinner. I made peanut butter kiss cookies to bring and we also picked up a bottle of wine for us girls. Yum! We spent the majority of the night, four adults and one nine year old, giggling endlessly at the adorable antics of Crystal and Jimmy's ten month old cutie-pie, Gabriella.
Sunday was a busy day! Up early and as I stumbled bleary-eyed around the house, I realized Daryl was no where to be found. He finally showed up about fifteen minutes later with a 25-foot snake (for the tub, not a real snake!) and Panera bagels and cream cheese for our breakfast. Good man! Much swearing, and dirty water and a glob of a hair ball later, Daryl fixed our tub problem. Don't ya just love a handy man? :-)
I had to run to Petco after breakfast to get a few things (argh! our dogs have fleas! In NOVEMBER?) so I had to apply treatment to both dogs and all three cats. Then do insane amounts of laundry washing all of our bedding (Tucker sometimes lays on our bed) and all of the blankets in Daisy's cage. *Sigh* A definite pain in the ass. Then I joined Big D outside to finish up the leaf blowing and raking he was doing. HE already did the backyard earlier in the week so I helped him with the front and side yard. Then while he finished cleaning up that mess, I mowed the front lawn. Oh! And my favorite part! We pulled out bushes with the truck!!! I felt like a ten year old boy as I "oohed and aaahhhed" and laughed as the roots and bushes got yanked out. Heh. What can I say, I'm easily amused! After that we ran to one of our favorite stores, BJ's (one of those warehouse stores) to get dog food and coffee and a couple other items we buy in bulk. And the day was no over from there!! Afterwards we had to go to D's grandparents where his aunt and uncle and kids had just arrived with a king sized mattress that D and his uncle had to carry upstairs for his grandparents. Then the visit evolved into pizza and playing with the kids, and around six thirty-ish we finally headed back home. It was a long, busy, but enjoyable day!
And now it's back to work. Again. Ugh!
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Today is day four of my period and each morning, at about the same time (around 6:45 am-ish) I have suffered from 10 minutes or so of piercing, stabbing (like knives!) cramps in my belly. It hasn't only happened in the morning though...occasionally it's come on at night too, but only sporadically for about 5-10 minutes. It kind of reminds me of like really, sharp painful gas pains, do you know what I mean? But I just kept blaming it on my period since ya know...period=cramps usually.
And also I'm associating it with my period becuz the past couple (2-3) cycles for me I've had reeeeeeally painful cramps like this at certain times. They make me double over. Could it just be gas pains do you think? I don't think I have a food allergy but is it possible to just be highly sensitive to certain foods? I've always had what I've nicknamed a "sensitive stomach" but I never really backed it up by keeping a food diary and finding out what exactly could be causing it.
Yesterday I journaled my food intake becuz I re-started weight watchers (technically I re-started last week but then it all went ot hell in a hand basket after an emotional and PMS-filled week) so yesterday I got myself back on track. I'm going to tell you what I ate yesterday to see if you can see what any culprits could be that would have caused the cramps this morning (if it's not just regular period cramps, I mean). Keep in mind, that my food intake has been different than this though the previous couple of days (except for breakfast which is always usually the same). Yesterday I made an effort to eat fruits and veggies, something I've been slacking on lately:
Breakfast and mid-morning snack:
1 packet lower sugar apple flavored oatmeal
small coffee w/creamer
1 medium coffee w/cream and 1 sugar
Lunch (it was a random lunch day cuz I forgot to bring something so I had to eat what was in my desk):
1 Campbell's Soup at Hand, tomato
1 Kashi Go Lean Crunch Bar (kinda like a granola bar)
1 sugar free jello
1 piece coconut crusted tilapia
steamed veggies (carrots, green beans, broccoli and water chestnuts...it was one of those bags you throw in the micro and it steams in the bag. LOVE 'em!)
1 small serving of salad with lemon poppy seed dressing
hot chocolate with Lite cool whip
And that was my day.
I'm just hesitant to call the doctor (gyno) for him to be like "Hmmm, sounds like gas pains to me." And yet, these cramps just feel different than my usual period cramps. Not sure what to do...should I just wait it out and assume it's something I ate this week? Or if it was you, would you call the doctor for peace of mind?
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
I just found out this morning there are over 4 million porn sites on the internet. (Holy moly, Batman! I have no great aversion to porn...if I can be frank, I do watch it, heh heh. But DAMN that's a lot o' porn!)
Every day there are about 28,000 hits.
One of the top three towns for porn-surfers?
Yup, you guessed it. My town. Meriden, CT.
On top of living in a town full of losers...I live in a town full of perverts.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Parts of Saturday and Sunday really sucked!
It started off okay as Big D and I made our way, Saturday morning, to a Starbucks, then to a Fidelco training class and finishing off our morning with a trip to Lowe's. Daryl wanted to get a leaf blower that was on sale and I wanted a new paddle fan for the kitchen cuz ours is dead. We got a GREAT deal on the fan; it was on clearance $48 for a 60" fan with a remote control that NORMALLY goes for $120. Woo hoo! Then as we left Lowe's, I checked my v/m on my cell and got the phone call that shattered my morning.
Daisy is now listed (as a courtesy listing from an acquaintance of mine who has her own dog rescue) on Petfinder. A woman called me yesterday about Daisy. Hearing that message, made it all so real that we really and truly are on the road to finding her a new home. The high of my clearance score at Lowe's evaporated with the swiftness of a soap bubble popping.
And I started to cry. And cry, and cry.
Daryl held my hand on the way home and agreed that this was not going to be easy but it was better, so much better, than the alternative...which is having to put her to sleep. I hadn't even called the woman back at that point and yet I still could not stop crying cuz I realized I really would be giving Daisy up sometime soon. I had all kinds of feelings swirling around in my belly: sadness, loss, guilt, relief, anger at myself. It ran the gamut!!
I had to get myself under control before I could call this woman back so I went outside with the dogs and sat on the step with little Daisy in my lap. I knew at that point, that this was the right decision and that my dog would be happier in a different environment. I called the woman and we chatted for about fifteen minutes. My AD had said no cats, no dogs, no children--however this woman and her husband had another dog. She said they had no children, that their dogs are their children, and they recently had to put one of their terrier's to sleep due to cancer. She said the remaining dog, Jack, was lonely and also I think this woman was lonely...Jack was more her husband's dog and the terrier they'd put to sleep was more her dog. I explained my hesitations with daisy going to a home with another animal...I explained that I didn't want her to attack HER dog the way she'd done Tucker but I also acknowledged that I had no idea how Daisy would be with a smaller dog in a different environment. Maybe it could work? This woman devotes an entire room as a "dog bedroom"...she lives on an acre of property with a stream (Daisy loves to swim!) and she lets her dogs run and play....her husband is self-employed and works from home, every single day. Maybe, just maybe, this could be the type of home for Daisy?
Anyway, she and her husband and their dog, Jack, came over Sunday morning and the meeting took place in the back yard. It went REALLY well. Daisy cuddled in Susan's lap, she was excited to see her husband, Gary, and the meeting with Jack was not so bad. Both dogs had their moments of raised lips and warning growls which was fine, as they smelled each other out. Then Susan suggested we come bring Daisy to their house next. It went well for 45 minutes. Daisy excitedly ran around the back deck, sniffing the new smells, she clicked her away around the house and sniffed all the blankets in the doggie-bedroom. She wagged her tail, and perked her ears, and at one point there was a slight scuffle between her and Jack...but lo and behold, DAISY was the dog to finally back down. I smiled hopefully at Daryl, this could really work! Susan, the homeowner, was also getting very excited. She showed me pictures of her deceased dog, Bailey (who was a Rat Terrier) and I couldn't' believe how much her and Daisy looked alike! Daisy jumped up onto the couch (they allow their dogs on the furniture) and settled right down on a white blanket and I thought Susan was going to cry.
"That's the exact same spot my Bailey used to lay and sleep on!"
AND THEN IT HAPPENED. Crazy-Daisy came out. Susan went to pet her and the lip-raising and teeth-showing and growling began. My stomach just dropped. No matter whether her or her husband touched her where she sat next to me, she kept shooting angry, nervous glances at ME and growling at them. I was mortified. I even went out on the back porch at one point and Daisy ran around the house, searching for me (despite the fact that Daryl sat right there on the couch) AND she still growled at the woman when she tried to pet her again. Susan finally said to me, "This is not good. If she doesn't get along with us, the most patient dog-people ever, you are going to have a really hard time finding her a home." As that sunk in, I started to feel sick. They still said they wanted to try to take her a few nights to see how she was when I was not around, but honestly, I'm not so sure they will call me back. I cried the entire ride home becuz if we can't find her a home, what are we going to do? My dog has mental problems that make it hard for her to fit into ANYONE'S family....it's like she can only be with me. And I can't keep walking on eggshells in my home becuz of a dog. Daryl and I fight about her all the time (I say "fight" BUT it's mostly him saying things I agree with) and I can't spend all day worrying that she'll hurt one of my other animals OR really hurt one of us...or WORSE...someone else (she has bitten Daryl about 3 times, and she's bitten me once).
I feel like a failure. I feel like if I have to put this dog to sleep (the worst possible case scenario) that I will never be able to forgive myself. This is so hard.
And listen to this!! Saturday afternoon, after my morning of crying and feeling emotional (and PMS'ing, mind you), I was cleaning the house while Daryl did yard work.He was in the front yard blowing leaves, I had the front window open (it was pretty mild on Saturday) to get some fresh air in the house when all of a sudden I heard very loud talking voices, that sounded like they were in front of my house.
Curiously, I pushed aside the curtain and looked out the window and saw first two teenagers and three or four young children halfway up my yard, talking at hte top of their lungs. I saw Daryl sitting on the front stoop with his cell phone so as the the kids went back down towards the street and continued to walk, i asked, "Were you talking to them?" By his scowl, I knew the answer.
"No!" He snapped. "They're so freakin' loud though and walking through OUR yard. I hate this neighborhood." I casually turned my head towards them where they were now in front of my neighbor's house and one of the girls was staring at me so I stared back.
"Can I HELP you?" She said with a cocky twist of her head. I can't explain to you the anger that suddenly bubbled up within me.
"Excuse me? This is MY house and I'm looking out of MY window!" I called out angrily. She started to shout back and call me a bitch so that's when my control broke. Until she swore at me, I had no intention of swearing in front of her children.
"Why don't you stay out of my f*cking yard next time! There is a sidewalk right across the street!" I yelled out.
"I'm not going to have my f*cking babies walk in the street!"
This is when Daryl joined the "conversation".
"Are you kidding me? I watched you CROSS THE STREET with your kids from the side WHERE THE SIDEWALK IS to walk over here and through our lawn!" By this time I walked out on the porch when she started shaking her finger at me. "Just get out of here before I call the cops."
"F*ck you, call the cops! You bitch!" Her teenage friend mouthed off.
"No F*CK YOU! STAY OUT OF MY F*CKING YARD AND KEEP ON WALKING or we WILL call the police!" I made a shooing gesture wtih my hands, and I could see how my hands were shaking from the adrenaline and the anger. I felt ashamed of myself for losing control but I think this was the last straw. This neighborhood has upset me one time too many.
They rounded the corner still calling me a bitch. I turned wildly to Daryl...and immediately burst into tears.
"I am NOT crying cuz I'm scared or upset. I am VERY VERY ANGRY!" I cried. He rolled his eyes (he's used to my crying jags) and said, "April just go in the house and relax." I stalked all over the house with the dust rag in my hand and finally ended up back at the front door and said how sick to death I am of the freakin' delinquents in our neighborhood.
"And I'm embarrassed!" I explained . "I don't DO this! I don't lose my temper and scream at people!"
"I know, April." Daryl replied simply, smiling at me. His smile seemed to diffuse my anger a bit. I asked him to go to the police department RIGHT NOW and put our address on the list for them to patrol by once a night (which is what the cop told us to do when we had the prowler in our yard a few weeks back...but we had never gotten around to it). And the police told Daryl not to feel bad or guilty (which is why we didn't call the cops)...she said, "Call us any time. Call us EVERY TIME you have a problem.. That's what we're here for."
But damn! I'm still angry. Daryl and I both work hard for a living, we struggle to make ends meet and to have our cute house. And for these damn neighborhood punks to try intimidate me in MY neighborhood? No freakin' way. And no more Miss Nice Guy. I'm done letting people walk all over me. This is MY HOME. If I have to call the police every single DAY for shit these people are doing, I will do it. I'm not crazy, and I'm not an over-reacter. I'm just a girl who's HAD ENOUGH.
ADDITIONAL NOTE: I originally was not going to post this last part but SCREW IT, it's my blog and I can post what I want to. The other thought irritating me the rest of the weekend about these punks? Here I am struggling to get pregnant, trying everything in my power, and wanting this baby so intensely. And along here comes this teeanger with 3+ children under the age of six, popping them out like candy from a Pez dispenser. And all I can think is how UNFAIR this is? Daryl and I work hard to support ourselves, our lives, and potentially any future children and here are the people living in the low-income housing nearby breaking into our property (the teenager who broke into my house years ago lived in that low-income housing neighborhood)l LIVING off the state (the state that WE religously pay our taxes to) and getting Wick and food stamps and DRIVING THEIR FREAKIN' ESCALADES WITH SHINY GOLD RIMS while their chilren aren't even dressed appropriately for the weather. Or like this girl, coming walking up from my street OFF OF a busy through street by the highways, with her 2 year old in NO stroller, no one holding his hand, as he toddled across the street with her not even looking BACK at him while she yacked on her cellphone. All I can say is....WTF??!?!?!?
Sorry, we'll be back to our pleasant posting tomorrow. Today, I'm just not feeling it.