I've had time to settle down.
Parts of Saturday and Sunday really sucked!
It started off okay as Big D and I made our way, Saturday morning, to a Starbucks, then to a Fidelco training class and finishing off our morning with a trip to Lowe's. Daryl wanted to get a leaf blower that was on sale and I wanted a new paddle fan for the kitchen cuz ours is dead. We got a GREAT deal on the fan; it was on clearance $48 for a 60" fan with a remote control that NORMALLY goes for $120. Woo hoo! Then as we left Lowe's, I checked my v/m on my cell and got the phone call that shattered my morning.
Daisy is now listed (as a courtesy listing from an acquaintance of mine who has her own dog rescue) on Petfinder. A woman called me yesterday about Daisy. Hearing that message, made it all so real that we really and truly are on the road to finding her a new home. The high of my clearance score at Lowe's evaporated with the swiftness of a soap bubble popping.
And I started to cry. And cry, and cry.
Daryl held my hand on the way home and agreed that this was not going to be easy but it was better, so much better, than the alternative...which is having to put her to sleep. I hadn't even called the woman back at that point and yet I still could not stop crying cuz I realized I really would be giving Daisy up sometime soon. I had all kinds of feelings swirling around in my belly: sadness, loss, guilt, relief, anger at myself. It ran the gamut!!
I had to get myself under control before I could call this woman back so I went outside with the dogs and sat on the step with little Daisy in my lap. I knew at that point, that this was the right decision and that my dog would be happier in a different environment. I called the woman and we chatted for about fifteen minutes. My AD had said no cats, no dogs, no children--however this woman and her husband had another dog. She said they had no children, that their dogs are their children, and they recently had to put one of their terrier's to sleep due to cancer. She said the remaining dog, Jack, was lonely and also I think this woman was lonely...Jack was more her husband's dog and the terrier they'd put to sleep was more her dog. I explained my hesitations with daisy going to a home with another animal...I explained that I didn't want her to attack HER dog the way she'd done Tucker but I also acknowledged that I had no idea how Daisy would be with a smaller dog in a different environment. Maybe it could work? This woman devotes an entire room as a "dog bedroom"...she lives on an acre of property with a stream (Daisy loves to swim!) and she lets her dogs run and play....her husband is self-employed and works from home, every single day. Maybe, just maybe, this could be the type of home for Daisy?
Anyway, she and her husband and their dog, Jack, came over Sunday morning and the meeting took place in the back yard. It went REALLY well. Daisy cuddled in Susan's lap, she was excited to see her husband, Gary, and the meeting with Jack was not so bad. Both dogs had their moments of raised lips and warning growls which was fine, as they smelled each other out. Then Susan suggested we come bring Daisy to their house next. It went well for 45 minutes. Daisy excitedly ran around the back deck, sniffing the new smells, she clicked her away around the house and sniffed all the blankets in the doggie-bedroom. She wagged her tail, and perked her ears, and at one point there was a slight scuffle between her and Jack...but lo and behold, DAISY was the dog to finally back down. I smiled hopefully at Daryl, this could really work! Susan, the homeowner, was also getting very excited. She showed me pictures of her deceased dog, Bailey (who was a Rat Terrier) and I couldn't' believe how much her and Daisy looked alike! Daisy jumped up onto the couch (they allow their dogs on the furniture) and settled right down on a white blanket and I thought Susan was going to cry.
"That's the exact same spot my Bailey used to lay and sleep on!"
AND THEN IT HAPPENED. Crazy-Daisy came out. Susan went to pet her and the lip-raising and teeth-showing and growling began. My stomach just dropped. No matter whether her or her husband touched her where she sat next to me, she kept shooting angry, nervous glances at ME and growling at them. I was mortified. I even went out on the back porch at one point and Daisy ran around the house, searching for me (despite the fact that Daryl sat right there on the couch) AND she still growled at the woman when she tried to pet her again. Susan finally said to me, "This is not good. If she doesn't get along with us, the most patient dog-people ever, you are going to have a really hard time finding her a home." As that sunk in, I started to feel sick. They still said they wanted to try to take her a few nights to see how she was when I was not around, but honestly, I'm not so sure they will call me back. I cried the entire ride home becuz if we can't find her a home, what are we going to do? My dog has mental problems that make it hard for her to fit into ANYONE'S family....it's like she can only be with me. And I can't keep walking on eggshells in my home becuz of a dog. Daryl and I fight about her all the time (I say "fight" BUT it's mostly him saying things I agree with) and I can't spend all day worrying that she'll hurt one of my other animals OR really hurt one of us...or WORSE...someone else (she has bitten Daryl about 3 times, and she's bitten me once).
I feel like a failure. I feel like if I have to put this dog to sleep (the worst possible case scenario) that I will never be able to forgive myself. This is so hard.
And listen to this!! Saturday afternoon, after my morning of crying and feeling emotional (and PMS'ing, mind you), I was cleaning the house while Daryl did yard work.He was in the front yard blowing leaves, I had the front window open (it was pretty mild on Saturday) to get some fresh air in the house when all of a sudden I heard very loud talking voices, that sounded like they were in front of my house.
Curiously, I pushed aside the curtain and looked out the window and saw first two teenagers and three or four young children halfway up my yard, talking at hte top of their lungs. I saw Daryl sitting on the front stoop with his cell phone so as the the kids went back down towards the street and continued to walk, i asked, "Were you talking to them?" By his scowl, I knew the answer.
"No!" He snapped. "They're so freakin' loud though and walking through OUR yard. I hate this neighborhood." I casually turned my head towards them where they were now in front of my neighbor's house and one of the girls was staring at me so I stared back.
"Can I HELP you?" She said with a cocky twist of her head. I can't explain to you the anger that suddenly bubbled up within me.
"Excuse me? This is MY house and I'm looking out of MY window!" I called out angrily. She started to shout back and call me a bitch so that's when my control broke. Until she swore at me, I had no intention of swearing in front of her children.
"Why don't you stay out of my f*cking yard next time! There is a sidewalk right across the street!" I yelled out.
"I'm not going to have my f*cking babies walk in the street!"
This is when Daryl joined the "conversation".
"Are you kidding me? I watched you CROSS THE STREET with your kids from the side WHERE THE SIDEWALK IS to walk over here and through our lawn!" By this time I walked out on the porch when she started shaking her finger at me. "Just get out of here before I call the cops."
"F*ck you, call the cops! You bitch!" Her teenage friend mouthed off.
"No F*CK YOU! STAY OUT OF MY F*CKING YARD AND KEEP ON WALKING or we WILL call the police!" I made a shooing gesture wtih my hands, and I could see how my hands were shaking from the adrenaline and the anger. I felt ashamed of myself for losing control but I think this was the last straw. This neighborhood has upset me one time too many.
They rounded the corner still calling me a bitch. I turned wildly to Daryl...and immediately burst into tears.
"I am NOT crying cuz I'm scared or upset. I am VERY VERY ANGRY!" I cried. He rolled his eyes (he's used to my crying jags) and said, "April just go in the house and relax." I stalked all over the house with the dust rag in my hand and finally ended up back at the front door and said how sick to death I am of the freakin' delinquents in our neighborhood.
"And I'm embarrassed!" I explained . "I don't DO this! I don't lose my temper and scream at people!"
"I know, April." Daryl replied simply, smiling at me. His smile seemed to diffuse my anger a bit. I asked him to go to the police department RIGHT NOW and put our address on the list for them to patrol by once a night (which is what the cop told us to do when we had the prowler in our yard a few weeks back...but we had never gotten around to it). And the police told Daryl not to feel bad or guilty (which is why we didn't call the cops)...she said, "Call us any time. Call us EVERY TIME you have a problem.. That's what we're here for."
But damn! I'm still angry. Daryl and I both work hard for a living, we struggle to make ends meet and to have our cute house. And for these damn neighborhood punks to try intimidate me in MY neighborhood? No freakin' way. And no more Miss Nice Guy. I'm done letting people walk all over me. This is MY HOME. If I have to call the police every single DAY for shit these people are doing, I will do it. I'm not crazy, and I'm not an over-reacter. I'm just a girl who's HAD ENOUGH.
ADDITIONAL NOTE: I originally was not going to post this last part but SCREW IT, it's my blog and I can post what I want to. The other thought irritating me the rest of the weekend about these punks? Here I am struggling to get pregnant, trying everything in my power, and wanting this baby so intensely. And along here comes this teeanger with 3+ children under the age of six, popping them out like candy from a Pez dispenser. And all I can think is how UNFAIR this is? Daryl and I work hard to support ourselves, our lives, and potentially any future children and here are the people living in the low-income housing nearby breaking into our property (the teenager who broke into my house years ago lived in that low-income housing neighborhood)l LIVING off the state (the state that WE religously pay our taxes to) and getting Wick and food stamps and DRIVING THEIR FREAKIN' ESCALADES WITH SHINY GOLD RIMS while their chilren aren't even dressed appropriately for the weather. Or like this girl, coming walking up from my street OFF OF a busy through street by the highways, with her 2 year old in NO stroller, no one holding his hand, as he toddled across the street with her not even looking BACK at him while she yacked on her cellphone. All I can say is....WTF??!?!?!?
Sorry, we'll be back to our pleasant posting tomorrow. Today, I'm just not feeling it.