Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Things are not good right now.

And I am a fucking mess.

I started having horrible, debilitating pains in my lower belly some time after lunch. It was probably around 2:30-2:4500pm. At first I tried to rationalize with myself that it was probably just Round Ligament Pains (like I mentioned in my last post). Until it started to get worse adn worse and I doubled over. I wondered to myself if it was just really bad gas pains, since I had eaten like two hours previous. I tried to walk off the pain, no luck. I tried to (sorry, TMI here) have a bowel movement, no dice.

I called my mother and my friend Crystal, both of which who told me to call the doctor. Thank God I listened. I called Daryl in tears and he said he was dropping his shit and gonna meet me at the doctor's office. I tried to laugh at myself the whole way saying I was over-reacting. A typical first time pregnancy.

The nurse had me undress from the waist down and I sat on the table, with the paper cloth over my lap, joking around with my Big D, before the doctor came in, about driving all the way there for just what was probably "gas pains" (Daryl admitted that he drove 80mph the whole way in the company van).

Well, unfortunately, it's not just simple gas pains or RLP. When the doctor did the internal examination, I could tell by his face that things were not right. He told me I was effaced and I froze at the familiar word and just managed to gasp out, "Well that's not good, right?"

He was quiet and said he wanted to do an ultrasound next. We saw baby Hunter on the screen and he looked great to me, heart beating away and the doctor said, "That's good he is active." But I could tell by his frown that something was not right. He helped me sit up and said, "I need to go over some scenarios with you and what we need to do." And at that, I think I deflated like a tightly squeezed balloon. My hands started shaking, my eyes teared up and I literally wiped my snotty nose on my hand, manners be damned. I was so sweaty from stress, my ass was literally sticking to the damn paper they put on the table. This wasn't just the doctor laughing with me that the first time preggo only had gas pains--this was serious.

I am 50% effaced, and I have (I think he called it) cervical incompetence. Essentially my cervix is weak. When he did the internal exam, he said my uterus and the amniotic sac were too easy to reach, way too low. My tears were falling freely by this point. Why wasn't he telling me I was fine? That I was having typical pregnancy pains? Why?

If it was just the incompetent cervix, he said they would do cervical cerclage (click on the words to read what WebMD describes it as). I think that's what it's called? Basically it's a stitch in my cervix to keep me from dilating, to prevent preterm labor. (usually this is not diagnosed until it is too late and the mother has m/c the baby so becuz I DID come in and we found it out, that was a good thing).

But, BUT, the other problem he saw during the u/s is that I have (I forgot technical term) too much amniotic fluid in the sac, this is abnormal, and it needs to be drained. The risk with performing the cerclage is that due to the location of my uterus, he runs the risk of puncturing the amniotic sac and thus causing a m/c. At this, I started to fall apart. My legs, leadened, started to shake. Daryl who was standing beside me, went from holding my hand to putting his whole arm around my shoulder and squeezing me.

Tomorrow I have to be admitted to the hospital, either UCONN or YALE, and be examined by some kind of Fetal Medicine doctor (forgive me for not remembering all the terms...mine and Daryl's brains are pure mush right now). They will have to perform an amnio and drain the fluid and from there, I'm not sure how we proceed.

We find out tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Daryl and I are in an utter state of shock. We've both cried a river within the past hour or two since finding out. If GOD willing this pregnancy can be salvaged, and our sweet little Hunter continues healthily on, I will need to be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.

I am an emotional mess right now. My low belly continues to ache dully, and I can still feel Hunter moving about, kicking, punching, saying hello.

I can't think, I can't eat, I feel for my sweet husband, who has tried to be my rock, but I can't figure out how to console him when he cries like a child. When he consoles me I feel better. But I'm so afraid I'm not having that same reaction for him.

I don't know what to do!!! I don't know what to think.

Please, please, please send some healthy vibes and thoughts for me and our sweet little baby Hunter. The thought of losing him tears my heart into jagged, painful pieces.

We can't lose him!!

41 comments:

April in CT said...

I'll leave this simple as I'm sure you need to keep it basic.. my thoughts are with all three of you right now and many, MANY positive vibes I'll be sending y'alls way until we hear further news.

Good luck tomorrow..remember to breathe.

Melissa said...

Oh April, I'm so sorry to hear your news. It's so important that they caught things early and that you trusted your gut.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you, Big D and little Hunter.

(((hugs)))

Julie said...

We are thinking of you all!! We will be praying and praying and praying!!!!

Positive thoughts...again..... it can't hurt!!!!!!

(((HUGS)))

Aimée said...

April, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I'll send out tons of good vibes for you!

Chele76 said...

I'm here for you honey...

Heather said...

i am praying for you all.

Keri said...

Dear Hunter...
hang in there... your mommie needs you. You can do it kiddo. Just hang in there.
love Gavin

OHmommy said...

oh april... i will keep you guys in my prayers tonight.

just now that you are in the best care. the docs know what they are doing. my neighbor had a stitch put in w/all 3 pregnancies. her children are perfect. yours will be too.

hugs.

Sarah said...

April, I am so so so sorry. I will be thinking of all three of you and wishing for the best. I'm emailing you right now with my phone number, if you need ANYTHING. call

Mel501 said...

April, Daryl & Hunter,
Please know that my prayers are with you all. Whatever I can do, I am here for you.
Mel

Poltzie said...

You won't lose him. I am sending you everything I can and have already said many prayers!
You are such an amazing person and I know you are strong enough to get through this!
rest and try try try to sleep tonight!
Your friend always!

Cathy said...

I am going to send all the positive vibes I can! It is a scary time, but you all will make it through. Both UCONN and Yale are amazing hospitals for complicated pregnancies. I have heard great results from people that have been to both.

Best of luck with the Dr, and don't forget to breathe! The less stress you have, the less stress that Hunder will have.

My fingers are crossed and my thumbs are tucked !!(a Latvian thing I recently learned)

remember moments said...

OH MY GOSH April. I'm so sorry to hear this! You must be so frightened. I am thinking of all 3 of your right now and will say prayers for you that all turns out well! I will DEFINITELY be thinking of you tomorrow.I know you are scared. I wish there were words to comfort you. Sending you big HUGS!!!!

nancy said...

Oh honey. I'm praying for you and baby hunter. I'm terrified right along with you. ~hugs~ and I'll be waiting here for news, hopefully good news.

Kel said...

Thinking good thoughts and sending many prayers your way!
*hugs*
~K

RCRambling said...

Keeping you (all of you) in my thoughts and prayers, and sending as many good vibes as I can in your direction.

BeeOhVee said...

I am saying prayers and sending out all the positive vibes out to you, Daryl and Hunter. I will definitely keep doing so until you write your next post to let us know everything is okay. Huge hugs to all of you.

Kat said...

Sending tons of positive thoughts and prayers to you tonight.
Hang in there!

Amy said...

Okay, because maybe it will make you feel better if you know, since I just went through all of this. You are right about it being called a cervical cerclage. I've heard of lots of women who had the same problem as you who got stitched up and went on to be fine. In fact, a triplet woman I know had her baby's sack bulging out of her cervix at week 20. . .the doctor pushed it back, stitched it up, and she carried them to mid-30 weeks, and all three babies are fine.

I have also heard of lots of women who had to have their amniotic fluid drained because they had too much, and their babies were fine and carried to mid-30 weeks. Again, these were all triplets.

You are going to see a Maternal Fetal Specialist. They are doctors who specialize in high-risk pregnancies, which you are now. You will probably have to keep seeing her for the rest of the pregnancy.

I am going to send you my number, if you need to call, you call me. If you get my voice mail leave me a message and I will call you back. I am not going to tell you that everything will be fine, because I know that it may not be. But I will hope and hope that the worst is that they sew you up and you have to lie in bed for the next 20 weeks. I do NOT want to be reading the types of posts I've been writing on my blog, do you hear me?!

My Two Army Brats said...

Sending happy thoughts and many prayers for your family. Don't know what more to say....

Cecily R said...

Oh, April! I'm keeping you and your sweet family in my thoughts and prayers!

Tabitha said...

April ~ I am thinking of you and big D ~ sending love,and praying all will be ok.
XXXXXXX

Amanda said...

Just popped over from JuJukat's blog and i will certainly be keeping you all in y thoughts and prayers.
l,
Amanda x

Lydia said...

Dear April,
I have been following your blog for a while and my heart goes out to you right now. I can see the love that you and your husband have for Hunter. I am glad that you have someone like Big D to hold your hand through all of this, and that you are so close to excellent medical care. You, your husband, and little Hunter are in my thoughts.

PixieDust said...

I am sending you lots of good vibes and prayers!I am so sorry to hear about it. Good luck!

Laura B. said...

Girl, I just said a prayer for you, Big D and Hunter. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs* L.

Steph said...

April I am thinking about you and sending as many good vibes your way as I can.

Sarah R said...

You have all the prayers in the world--I am so glad you went in.

((((((((((April, Daryl, and Hunter)))))))))

Sarah R said...

PS, if they are able to do a cerclage, my co-worker had this done and went on to deliver a healthy baby boy on her due date.

Dizzy Vizzy said...

Sending you positive vibes and anything else that can help you and your family! It may not seem like it, but the fates are working in your favor - you got to the doctor in time to find out what was wrong and to take the next steps. Praying for you and your family!!

Stephanie said...

April, My heart is heavy for you and Daryl and Baby Hunter. I am praying so hard for you all. I am thankful that you caught this so early. I will be thinking of you and worrying until I hear more.

God Bless!

Jaina said...

Oh April. ::hugs:: I'm sending loads of hope, love and prayers your way.

Krystyn said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you guys.

Sweetly Single said...

My thoughts and prayers are with all three of you!

the cubicle's backporch said...

Oh April, I'm so sorry!! I'm praying that you come back and post with good news!!

Stephanie said...

April and Daryl..my heart is aching for you both right now. Just know you trusted your gut and are getting the best care now. I will keep all 3 of you in my prayers every second I can!
I am so sorry babe...just hold on to your faith!
Please keep us updated during these tough time.

Melissa said...

You guys continue to be in my thoughts and prayers today. I hope that everything is going well and that you will check in soon!!

(((hugs)))

Stephanie said...

You will all be in my prayers.I had a high risk pregnancy from the very first ultrasound. We had an excellent Maternal/Fetal specialist. He did wonders for us, often calming me when I was freaked out. It sounds to me that you are in a good area and are receiving good care. Hang in there! It is tough, and so scary to hear that something might be wrong. I heard it for several months, and "lucked" into 2 beautiful girls. Oh, and bedrest isn't so awful. I got caught up on my movies and TV with Netflix!

Tendrils said...

You're in my thoughts and my prayers......

Peeveme said...

Thinking of you. It's so scary I can;t even imagine but I'm hoping the Dr. knows exactly what to do and has some reassuring news for you.

~**Dawn**~ said...

I have your family in my prayers, April. You just do your best to stay as calm as you can & be positive for Hunter and we'll all be wrapping you up in our thoughts & prayers, for strength & health & peace. (((HUGS)))