Okay, just a warning.
This post is going to sound very whiny. So if you aren't in the mood for my
bitching/moaning/complaining, then you might as well stop reading now.
Anyway, I'm spent.
First and foremost, we are so busy. It's not really by choice. There is just so much going on in life right now and now that summer is here? Well the tempo has picked up. Birthday parties, picnics, outings with family and friends...the list goes on and on. And can I ever say "no"? Why, of course not. Cuz my guilt gets the better of me! And the sad part is, I really WANT to do the things we have planned but I am going to feel worn out after every one.
Every single weekend day in June we have something planned.
EVERY. SINGLE. WEEKEND. DAY. IN. JUNE.
Every time I look at the calendar, I shudder. Mind you, one of those days at the end of the month is our baby shower so that is awesome, but there is just so much else going on. For instance, I haven't seen my cousin, Jenn, since the beginning of this pregnancy. With our different work schedules (she's a nurse) and her busy life with hubby and 2 kids and me being preggo and either sick in the beginning or too tired or already having plans, we could never seem to coordinate to get together. She left me a v/m the other day and I know it wasn't meant to sound mean, I think she was just going for slight sarcasm, but basically "joking" around that we need to hang out and I need to stop "blowing her off". After listening to it, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. That is NOT what is going on, and I'm upset if that seems like the impression she is getting. So then the guilt starts to eat away at me....*SIGH*
And on top of that, lots of baby stuff is not getting done quickly enough for my (nesting) liking. We still haven't ordered the dresser, nor have we put up the shelves in the closet yet, and I have stacks of hand-me-down clothes sitting in the crib. I also got a hand-me-down swing and extra car seat, as well as an Exersaucer, all of which that were sitting in someones attic/basement and slightly dusty...and I have yet to clean them and find a home for them. Right now it all sits in the middle of the nursery floor. We STILL haven't tackled the crown moulding, or put up the new closet door in the nursery either. And the rest of the house? It's a mess! I have so much I want to do/organize/clean and don't know where to start, or when I'll have the energy. I'm feeling anxious, overwhelmed, worried that there will be so many loose ends, so many unfinished projects left hanging. Daryl keeps saying, "Don't worry. We have plenty of time." while I keep saying, "I'm worried! We are running out of time!"
Now onto my job. Oh yes, my J-O-B. It couldn't have just been easy, right? Maternity leave, hopefully changing my hours down from full time to part time, a blissful and easy change and adjustment for a new Mommy and her baby. But, no. Instead, after months of being (what I consider) "strung along", I finally put my foot down on Wednesday and stated I needed clarification. I needed to know if I was coming back to FT or PT after Hunter is born and I needed to know more about who/what/where was covering my maternity leave. I feel like the training I've done thus far has been spotty (not my fault, by any means...things have been so sketchy here!) and I was inwardly freaking out about what would happen when I step out the office door and start my maternity leave.
Anyway, needless to say, things did not go to my liking at the meeting on Friday. I was told that my job is full time, plain and simple, and that there was absolutely no way I could work part time. Oh, and yeah, in addition to that, April? We're adding on more work to your plate!
And I was already told a few months back by a boss (before we knew for sure if I was going to be working FT/PT) that lots is changing due to the new ownership. And that even though I'm going to be preoccupied and overwhelmed with my newborn (her words, not mine) after coming back to work, that I would really need to "focus" as we were going to have to pull together as a department and really "buckle down" as these new tasks were given to me and changes happened throughout our department.
Again, I say, WTF??
ADDITIONAL SIDENOTE: My other irritation with all of this shit at work? The only people that should know about my maternity leave/coming back should be the managers I've spoken with. And yet HALF OF THIS PLACE seems to know my freakin' business! Where the hell is the professionalism in this, people? Stop gossiping about my personal life like it's the next reality show on television!
So this bomb was dropped on me Friday afternoon--an hour before I left for my long, relaxing and much-needed stress-free weekend in Maine. Yes, an hour before. I held in my frustration and tears, and then once home with Big D, I exploded.
I mean, really exploded.
First came the angry tears. Then the ranting. I can't believe the words that came out of my mouth, words that I NEVER use. My Big D attempted to diffuse the situation simply by saying, "Don't worry, Honey. It's all going to work out. We'll figure it out! Let's not let this ruin our weekend away." And then next came his laughter when he heard the words I followed up with. "Whoa. You're really mad to be talking like that." His laughter in turn was just what I needed cuz I giggled through my tears and finished packing our bags so we could leave. I squashed down my anger and locked it away and enjoyed every moment of our weekend with nice weather, delicious food, relaxing times, silly pictures with great friends--and a fabulous glass of Merlot on Sunday night.
Then this morning came. And that anger reared it's ugly head again. I feel like I just don't' give a shit about my job anymore. And that is not like me. Even when I'm not happy somewhere, I NEVER let that reflect in my attitude (or at the very least, I keep a tight reign on it it).
I am at a crossroads right now. I have no idea what I'm going to do. Well, let me re-phrase, Big D and I have ideas. I won't be going into detail here, unfortunately, but I know we'll work it out. I have to have faith in that! Things WILL work out as they are meant to. I gotta believe that. Or else I'll lose my mind. I'm pregnant with my first child, one of THE happiest moments of my life...I can't let this dumb shit take anything away from that.
Anyway, enough of that crap. Onto the fatigue. I. AM. SO. FUCKING. TIRED. I'm sorry to complain, I really do love and appreciate everything about being pregnant. I don't want to sound like a whiner or like I'm not enjoying myself. But I wish I could nap during the day, I really do. I wish I could take more breaks and rest. That's not possible with my full-time job though. I took a nap this weekend, on one of my days off, and I couldn't believe it...I slept for an hour. Me, the non-napper. Even when I'm sick as a dog, I can not sleep during the day. But now? I start to fall asleep while sitting upright on my lunch break, reading a book. The sound of the book falling off my lap today woke me up, thankfully, becuz I only had like 10-15 minutes left of my break. I wanted to cry. To just let go and cry it all out.
And when Big D just called to say a quick 'hi' before, I reminded him, very glumly, that we need to go food shopping tonight. We have nothing in the house, we are out of even the most BASIC necessities! We were going to go yesterday evening but after driving the four hours home, unpacking and doing laundry, neither one of us really felt up to it. So back to today, when I was moodily mentioning that we have to go, no matter how tired I am, and he said, "Don't worry about it. Just write me a list and when you get home, I'll go do it myself." I almost cried in relief. And gratitude! I definitely don't know what I'd do without my Big D. There are some days I'd like to punch him in the mouth, oh yes, (love you, honey! ha ha!) but then there are other days like today, and FRIDAY, when I get all misty-eyed as he calms me down and think to myself, "What would I ever do without this man????"
Okay, I think I've complained enough. If you've made it this far through my post, I'm impressed!
Sorry I just spewed all of this on you guys, but I REALLY needed to get it out. I'm going to---TRY---to end this post on a happier note. Here's a picture or two from our trip to Maine this weekend. Oh and if you haven't checked them out already, I also posted a couple belly shots (29 weeks) from this weekend in the post before this one. Enjoy.
Carsa, her husband Allen, and moi. Yes, holding my empty wine glass. It may have taken me an hour and a half to drink it that half a glass of Merlot, but I savored every single drop of it.
The boys went fishing Saturday morning. This is Braeden. He did catch a teeny, tiny one.
And cute little Chayse, enjoying his Smores by the bonfire in their backyard. Aaaaahhh....
Braeden, Chayse and Daryl carting over more wood for the fire.
Me and my Big D. He took great care of me this weekend. And of course teased me quite a lot, something he does well!
Being silly with one of my BEST girly friends, ever, Carsa (who I've known since I think it was 3rd or 4th grade?). Love this girl!!