Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Wow. It's been seven years, Dad.

Where has the time gone?

Some days when I think of you, it's as if I just saw you yesterday. My memory images often alternate between your last days with your sparse, graying hair (you never had any gray before the chemo) and your thin face. You talked less and less the sicker you got and I remember missing the sound of your voice. Even if what you said made no sense, from the morphine, I still relished every second. And when you couldn't really speak much, between the oxygen and not having the strength, the depth in your dark brown eyes told endless stories.

But more often than not, I picture you healthy. And strong. Your broad chest and muscled arms, your dark brown hair so much like my own. Our matching Smith noses above big toothy grins. Your skinny "chicken legs" poking out from your red shorts. Your voice, so deep and smooth, as you belted out with reckless abandon, the songs you loved the most. I still can't hear "Benny and the Jets" without your voice playing in my head.

We weren't a family that said "I love you". We showed it more than said it. But I remember on my 21st birthday, after a long lovely weekend of celebration with my family and my boyfriend at the time...I was resting in my bedroom, watching Mtv. That dreaded Mtv that you hated so much.

But despite whatever silly program was on, you came in and perched on the edge of my bed, looking slightly out of place.

"Did you have a good birthday?" You asked with a knowing smile. I reasusred you that it was great, one of my best.

"Good, I'm glad." You patted my leg and stood up, as if to leave. Before you walked out, you said, "Happy Birthday, April. I love you."

And I think I almost melted into a pile of mushy, emotional goo. Once you walked out of the room, of course. That is one of my most favorite memories, Dad. So simple. But so unforgettable!

I know I say it all the time, and I definitely think it every day, but here it is again. I miss you with all my heart and soul. And I love you!

And I'll end this with one of my favorite quotes that always makes me think of you:

"Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love,
Time is not."


Emily Jean said...

Beautiful tribute to your father! Prayers for you today!

the cubicle's backporch said...

Great post April. It brought tears to my eyes.

remember moments said...

That was a very sweet post about your dad.

Krystyn said...

What a special tribute to your dad. I love the little MTv story. It's the memories like that that will last.

Stephanie said...

What a beautiful posts April!!
I love the little memories, and you will find that you enjoy those memories with Hunter too!
Love the MTV story...I know your dad is looking down and very proud of you!!

Keri said...

I would give anything in the world to bring your daddy back to you. There is NOTHING like the bond of a daddie's girl.
and even if he is far above... that bond will never be broken.

and i remember those sweet sweet moments when our daddies would say aloud those words... after 6 years I can still hear mine...

Poltzie said...

Oh April, I'm so sorry! Thinking of you lots and sending overseas hugs!!
ps. I love the new blog layout - looks great!

Morgan said...

April you can't be doing this to me! Getting my all sad and teary eyed!! :*(


Kat said...

You're making me cry.

Beautiful post, April. I'm sure your dad is bursting with pride right now. :)

Jaina said...

What a beautiful tribute April. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man.

3 Peas in a Pod said...

Great tribute April! Touched my heart.

Much love from NJ,

Trannyhead said...

Aww. I know it must be hard now that your baby is approaching his entry into the world to not have your father there. But I bet he's looking down and smiling!

nancy said...