I'm having a really hard time lately.
My maternity leave is winding to a close. I have to go back to work on November 9th and although most people keep telling me "Oh you still have like 4 weeks left?" I'm feeling like "Holy shit, I only have four weeks left?"
I cry every day.
Every. Single. Day.
For the first month and a half of my maternity leave, I was a cleaning machine. The house was clean, the laundry and dishes done, and I was enjoying my time with Hunter. Yeah, don't get me wrong--I was tired--but I was happy. Crazily enough, I had a newborn at home and yet my house was turning out to be the cleanest it had been in a long time!
I was in a great mood most of the time, enjoying my baby so much and yes, I had my normal new Mommy meltdown moments, but otherwise I felt GOOD. I was getting to know Hunter and I LOVED. EVERY. MINUTE.
Now, I'm feeling like the sands of the hourglass are running out so rapidly and I'm absolutely devastated that I have to go back to work full time.
I feel like I can't leave my child, especially now when he is getting to be so active and vocal. I feel like now, as he is learning so much, is when he needs me the most. I was enjoying my days so much, we seemed to have a good routine going and I love watch how much my child learns every day. I sing to him, talk to him, repeat back his cooing noises. I read to him and show him his bright rattles and toys. When he is napping, I actually felt happy to be doing laundry and making our home a clean and happy place.
Why am I bitching? I'm so lucky! My Mom is going to be taking care of Hunter here at our house. I won't have to worry about the cost of daycare, and I know he'll be getting the greatest of care from his Nana. So while I appreciate that, I feel JEALOUS of my mother. Jealous that I won't be with my Hunter baby all day and teaching him and spending quality time, kissing his cute cheeks.
Also, I'm worried about breast feeding. Like I said before, my work schedule sucks. I don't get home till almost 6:30PM. And no matter what anyone tells me, I'm feeling SO stressed, worrying about not being able to get in enough BF sessions to keep my milk flowing (I am hoping to have enough time to breast feed twice in the morning and twice at night, but with Hunter's routine and my work schedule, I'm not so sure it will work) and I worry endlessly that my milk will dry up.
The thought of having to STOP nursing Hunter right now upsets me beyond words. Not only just for the benefit to him, but to me. I never could have comprehended, before doing it, how close I can feel to my child. If I choose to stop breast feeding Hunter becuz that's what I wanted, thet's one thing, but if I'm "forced" to stop becuz of my shitty work schedule and inability to nurse/produce? SAD just doesn't sum up my feelings on it.
I have no energy,no motivation, anymore.
I just sit on the couch moping and watching tv. Staring at Hunter and feeling the tears well up as I visualize not being here for him.
The dishes are piling up, the laundry is overflowing, I can barely make the bed. I have no desire to read anymore (and I am a TOTAL bookworm...reading is something I always make time for becuz I enjoy it so much).
I'm also so very unhappy with my body and my weight (even though I've lost almost 30 lbs of pregnancy weight) but yet I still continue to eat like crap. I either eat too much or I don't eat at all and I know that's horrible and not healthy especially, while breastfeeding my baby boy.
I know I should probably call the doctor. I don't really know what he'll do for me. I don't 100% want to be back on anti-depressants (I've taken them in the past) yet I wonder if that's what I need.
Am I just having the normal sadness that goes along with going back to work full time, and feeling like I'm "leaving" my child? How do I stop myself from feeling like a horrible mother? I was keeping a lot of this in, and crying when I was alone, not wanting people to think I was selfish for feeling like that. But I've started to share it with Daryl, with my Mom, and two of my friends who are Mom's. I bawled my eyes out to Daryl the other night and finally let it all out. He and I have talked and he has said he'd be fine with me working part time, that we'd make some sacrifices financially, but that it would be worth it both for my sanity and for our family. But of course, I can't seem to motivate myself to DO anything about it.
I'm just a crying, emotional mess.