I've done a lot of thinking, and I just don't think it's depression (even with my history of it) or post partum that's got me down. I'm pretty sure it all completely stems from going back to work.
I've been trying to not focus so much on it, to not let myself count down the days, so that I don't spend every day depressed. Instead, I'm trying to enjoy each and every minute of my time at home with Hunter.
Granted, days like today are tough. The baby boy has his first cold and it's been almost a week now. I brought him to the pediatrician today--not becuz I'm a neurotic first time Mother but--becuz he was getting really pghlemy, like it was in his chest, and i wanted to make sure it wasn't anything worse than a cold. So between him being super cranky about that (and blowing snot bubbles out of his nose, poor thing!) and random bouts of debilitating gas (it's not constant and there is no rhyme or reason to it...I think he just has a sensitive belly like his Mama), some days are crazy.
Today was one of those crazy days. Pretty much anytime Hunter was awake, he was screaming bloody murder. Then he'd fall asleep in my arms for brief little cat naps and either wake up crying, or I'd gently put him down in his pack-n-play and he'd stay asleep for about 10 minutes then wake up shrieking. A couple of times as I paced the floors and 'shhh'ed' him and kissed his cheek and apologized for not being able to make him feel better, I just cried with him.
I even did something I never do. I called Daryl (who was working late for some OT) around 8:3opm, practically begging for him to tell me when he'd be home cuz I just couldn't get Hunter to stop crying. And just as Daddy walked through the door, Hunter pooped and it was like pure relief on the baby's face. He was suddenly all smiles and giggles.
But I am just so drained. I think there comes a point, on days like today, when you know you have reached your limit. I handed Hunter over to Big D once he started fussing becuz I just couldn't do it anymore today.
And since I don't have a ton of energy to write any witty posts, here are some bullets for you of stuff that's been going on lately:
- Hunter met Santa Claus for the first time this weekend to go over his Christmas list. He was way more infatuated with Mrs. Claus, however, then going over what he wanted for gifts. Hunter is definitely a ladies man.
- Daryl met today with a Diabetes dietitian and found out how he should be eating for his optimum health. And he found otu what he already knew, that he should be exercising. So our eating lifestyle is about to change. Why, you probably wonder, is MY eating lifestyle about to change? Becuz not only do I want to help support him and keep him healthy, but I realize that I need to keep MYSELF healthy as well. I know I had a baby only almost three months ago, but I'm so frustrated and disgusted wtih my body right now. I can LITERALLY only fit into one pair of jeans/pants and only a couple of my shirts. I have no idea what I will be wearing when I go back to work since I can't fit into anything. And I am feeling SO out of shape. I don't like that. And I don't like feeling fat, not one bit. So it's time for a change! Granted, I have no idea if this will help the new saggy, jelly belly and stretch marks, but at least if I lose some weight, I'll feel better about myself.
- Spent some time with my in-laws this weekend...Daryl's mom and step dad came up from NY and they got some good quality Hunter-time in.
- I made a decision for how I want to spend Christmas and it is a very UN-April like decision. I always try to cater to everyone else during the holidays and make sure we see as many family members as possible. But now that we have Hunter, things are different. I don't want the frantic holiday pace of running around and stressing out on Christmas Day. So Daryl's mom and step dad can come over and visit in the late morning (I'll make coffee and maybe throw some cinnamon rolls in the oven) to see their grandson on his first Christmas. And my Mom and her boyfriend will come over later in the day for the same reason and for a small, simple Christmas dinner. No fancy meals, no elaborate table decorations, no crazy afternoons with extended family. I want to really enjoy and remember my baby boy's first Christmas and spending it as our family of three without thinking of any stress and frantic running around. I normally would NEVER make this kind of decision but I'm proud of myself for doing it this year becuz its what will be right for my family! And who can argue with less stress?
- My good friend Jessica had her baby almost two weeks ago and I STILL haven't met the newest little bundle. With Hunter's cold, I was nervous to go near Jess's newborn baby girl if there was even the slightest chance I could be catching the cold as well. But I'm feeling just fine in that regard so hopefully this weekend I will get to meet little Arianna! I'm very excited to meet one of Hunter's newest girlfriends.
- My "little" man is now 15 lbs 3 oz. He is growing like a weed and I love to see just how much he changes every day. My chunky Monkey!
- I LOVE holiday flavors! I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond the other day to get my K-Cup carousel (I have a Keurig Coffee Maker that I absolutely love) and i was ecstatic to see that the holiday flavored coffees were out! I already had pumpkin spice and butter toffee at home, but I ended up walking out the store with a box of mixed flavors: Spicy Eggnog, Gingerbread, Golden French Toast (MY FAVORITE!) and Holiday Blend. Daryl and I enjoy our yummy delicious cup of coffee every morning!
- Daryl ran out to the grocery store last night for me, to get some dinner items. He walked back through the door with a bouquet of flowers. I was so pleasantly surprised. It's been quite some time since I got flowers and I forgot almost how much I love getting them. I love even more the reason..."I wanted to cheer you up, April." It worked honey. Thank you!
- I love the fact that I now have "my shows" to get into each week on TV. It's been a while since I really followed religiously any programs. My newest obsessions are: "The Vampire Diaries" (and before anyone says this show hopped on the vampire bandwagon, the series is based on a young adult saga of novels that I read as a teenager and LOVED, by author L.J. Smith.) I fell in love with L.J. Smith's books way back when so I was so excited to realize that a TV show was spun off of one of her series! Granted, the plot of the series is a bit different from the book, but hey, it's TV, not a book so that doesn't bother me in the least. It's still entertaining. And now I'm hooked on the show. I even have turned Daryl over to the dark side. Heh. He eagerly tunes in each week with me now, although he probably isn't as smitten by the male vampires as I am. Mmmmm...Stefan and Damon! My other newest favorite is "Eastwick". I had absolutely NO interest in watching this show when I first saw the commercials. I stumbled upon the first episode accidentally one night when I was bored, wide-awake, while Daryl was working late. And now, I'm hooked! It's pure, silly, fun, mysterious, dramatic fluff...and that's why I enjoy it so much!
- Last but not least, I love my three boys: