Friday, May 28, 2010

It's official...I'm an old lady.
Had to get my first pair of glasses.
My body parts are slowly starting to fail me.
What's next...a cane???

Well, on the plus side? The hubby reeeeeeeeeeeeally likes them. Heh heh.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Wow, I guess I've let some time lapse since I've been on here. Part of the reason was that our laptop was seriously screwed up with a virus. And the other reason? I wasn't sure what I wanted to say.

There's been some good and there's been some bad.

My 1st Mother's Day was bittersweet this year. Two days before Mother's Day I found out great news.

I hadn't been feeling well for a while. I was so exhausted all the time, and wanted nothing more than to nap. And with an infant, I figured it was normal. However, I think I tried to talk myself OUT of the real reason for it. But the Wednesday before Mother's Day is when it hit...food aversion. I felt like puking at the sight and smell of the steaks Daryl had made for dinner and I quickly got it far, far away from me.

And that's when I finally started to let myself think, to believe. Could I be pregnant? I tested before my period was due (I got a positive pregnancy test with Hunter like four or five days before my period was due) and got repeated BFN's. But I just *knew* something was up.

Cut to the day after my period was due. Nothing. I tested and got a reeeeeally light positive. I felt the first tendrils of unease flick deep within my belly.

But it's still early, I rationalized with myself and the next day took another couple of tests. The line was a teeny bit darker, but still so faint. I took a digital test and was happy and relieved to see that beautiful word: PREGNANT.

I immediately called my OB's office and they had me come in for a urine test. Since Big D had the day off work to go turkey hunting, after I told him the good news, he came with us first to Hunter's 9 month pedi appointment and then to my OB's office. The urine test was negative but I questioned it, since I had three or four tests at home that said positive. The Dr. decided to send me for bloodwork explaining that it was afternoon and my HCG levels might be low, my urine diluted. On a Friday afternoon at 2pm I went for the blood draw. So of COURSE I wasn't going to hear anything back till Monday. Ugh.

My lower belly felt funny but I couldn't remember exactly how it felt when I was early-pregnant with Hunter. Was this normal? I kept my nervous fears mostly to myself. Big D tried to reassure me that everything would be fine. I really wish he had been right.

I took another test on Saturday and almost gasped. Was the line getting LIGHTER instead of darker?

Stop testing! I ordered myself. But the cramps I was feeling were not promising. And Saturday morning when I temped (BBT) my temp had dropped a little. I didn't completely trust it becuz when temping you are supposed to get a consecutive uninterrupted three hours of sleep...and sometimes I don't get that if Hunter wakes up (which he'd been doing a lot of lately).

Mother's Day. I woke up very early to pee (something I'd been doing at least twice a night) and something told me to temp first. My basal body temperature had taken a nosedive.

No, no, no. This isn't happening. Go back to bed.

When I woke up again later on, I was greeted in bed by my smiling husband and giggling baby boy. Daryl and Hunter did good...they got me a Pandora bracelet with a charm of Hunter's birthstone. I loved it and was feeling so blessed to have this little boy in my arms and sweet husband by my side.

But that nagging feeling wouldn't let me completely enjoy the morning. I scurried back to the bathroom. Took another test. Teared up at the faint, faint line that had ominously not gotten any darker.

"I'm having a chemical pregnancy." I mumbled to Daryl and crawled back into bed, pregnancy test still in hand. I showed him the faint line and then carefully placed it on my nightstand.

"What's that?" He asked.

"It's an early miscarriage. I'm losing the...the pregnancy." My voice caught as I struggled not to say 'baby', to try to keep myself from feeling the pain of loss.

"Oh, April, you don't know--"

"Yes, I do, I DO know." I interrupted him. The three of us cuddled under the covers and I fitfully drifted back to sleep, my lips resting on the soft wisps of hair on Hunter's sweet head.

Later that morning, my mother arrived. Before she even made it through the door I sobbed out, "I have bad news. I'm losing the baby." Just like Big D, she tried to talk me out of my feelings. Told me not to worry. We exchanged Mother's Day gifts, and Daryl made a delicious breakfast for all of us.

For some reason, I could barely look at Hunter. Seeing him, touching him, was such a painful reminder of what would NOT be growing in my belly. I felt numb. While my mom chatted with Daryl, I snuck back into the bathroom and nervously took my last digital test and almost gasped as almost immediately the words I'd dreaded popped up: NOT PREGNANT. I clutched that test in a shaking grip and wanted to throw it in the garbage. Pretend it didn't exist.

I spent the rest of Mother's Day buried under a blanket on the couch, feeling sorry for myself, for my baby. Still numb and surprised.

That night I crawled into bed and gently laid a hand on my belly and wondered how to say good bye to someone I'd only just begun to say hello to.

3:00 a.m. Another pee break. Looked down to see pink on the toilet paper and knew. It was really happening. Still numb, I went back to bed. The next morning I informed Daryl,
"I'm bleeding. It's over." I called in to work and took a sick day and after Big D left for work, I struggled to put a smile on my face for my baby boy who played happily on the carpet at my feet. I put Hunter in his highchair and that's when I saw him, really saw him.

Be happy for what you've got. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You have a beautiful son who you love with all your heart and soul. And with that toothy grin smiling at me, I couldn't help but smile back.

As the cramps built up, and the bleeding picked up (but was still not as heavy as a period) I shoved my feelings down, down, deep. I tried to ignore the bitterness that permeated my pores. I called my OB's office and the nurse made my blood boil. I explained what was happening and almost matter-of-factly she said, "Oh yes, that sounds like a chemical pregnancy. Your HCG level (from Friday's bloodwork) was only 13. It's very early so it should only be like a strong period. You shouldn't see any tissue." Blase, almost as if that meant I wasn't previously starting to grow life within me. I bit my tongue to stop the angry words that I WANTED to say: Have a little tact, bitch. I was pregnant. And now I'm not. I already pictured this baby in my mind, wanted him or her, and now like a quick breeze blowing away a wispy cloud, it's all gone.

I made it through the day with cramps that were only a little bit worse than some of my most uncomfortable, painful period-cramps. I watched the (Sorry, TMI) "tissue" come out into the toilet every time I peed. Every single time. And every single time I said out loud to that bitchy nurse, "Oh yeah, it's so early, you won't see any tissue come out. Screw you."

And I did cry. And cry. But it wasn't as painful as I thought it would feel emotionally and mentally. I should have known that part was far from over.

Daryl was making dinner and I told him he had to take care of the baby. The cramps were getting worse. And worse. The pain...it was almost like the pain of a contraction but without the ebb and flow of the actual contraction. Does that make sense? It was steady pain and it just got MORE painful as time went by. At one point, Daryl appeared in the doorway of the bedroom where i was curled up in a ball, my hands under the band of my sweatpants, cupping my abdomen and silently begging for it to stop. Realizing that at the same time, I didn't want it to stop cuz that would mean it was truly over.

Anyway, I won't bore you with all the minute details.

That Tuesday at work was hard, I won't lie. But the numbness had settled back in and I wasn't crying. The day was halfway over and I was surprised and almost pleased with myself for making it through.

I have a very good friend (who I can't say on here who it is, cuz she hasn't told people yet!) who is pregnant. She is due exactly one month ahead of what my due date would have been. I've known about her pregnancy for a while now, rejoiced with her good news when she told me, congratulated her on being pregnant with her first child. Felt nothing but happiness for her and then even more when we realized we'd be pregnant together. How close in age our children would be.

Well, that day she went for her first prenatal appointment and it went really well. She had an u/s done and I asked her to text or email the picture. I thought I'd be fine with it. But as soon as I opened up that u/s picture and saw that big round head and peanut body, my breath caught painfully in my throat and my chest constricted.

"Four or five weeks from now, I would have been staring down at MY u/s picture. At my baby." I said aloud softly to myself and blinked, suddenly completely blinded by the tidal wave of tears. The sobs that choked me and shook my shoulders as I hastily scrubbed at my cheeks, worried that a patient or the Dr. (my boss) would suddenly walk in and not wanting to explain, or look unprofessional.

And that's when I started wondering what I did wrong. I convinced myself that it had to have been my fault. I grasped at straws: Before I knew I was pregnant I colored my hair, took a vitamin supplement for a virus I thought I was coming down with, drank oodles of coffee and wine, blah, blah blah.

I internally beat myself up. I cringed at some of the tactless things people said in the hopes of "making me feel better". The worst being, "Maybe this just means you aren't ready for another child right now." Yeah, whatever.

And now weeks later, the pain has somewhat subsided. The numbness has faded.

But the tears? They still come and go at the thought of what could have been.

Of WHO could have been....

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Dear Hunter,

Today you are nine months old.

And I almost missed writing this letter! But not becuz I didn't want to. It's just that this month went by in the blink of an eye. I am so surprised that you are only three months away from your very first birthday!

You are, as usual, a very fun little boy! You spend your days giggling and smiling. We've started calling you The Clown, becuz you seem to make it your mission to make everyone laugh. No matter how bad of a day Daddy or Mommy have had at work, we come home and can't help but smile at your happy face.

You have six teeth in your mouth so far (two on the bottom and four on top). I don't doubt that more will sprout through the gums any day! You had apple for the first time ever this month and those teeth of yours helped you gnaw away, while Daddy held the apple for you. You loved it!

You have also mastered waving this month, little man. You've been waving for a while, however, I think you've finally grasped what you are doing. We wave "hello" to each other all the time. Mommy thinks you are also grasping what a "nose" is cuz we talk about it so much (and you grab our noses often!) so it's cute for us to ask where our nose is and have you touch it in reply. You've also started instigating the game of Peek-a-boo all on your own, by covering your face with the blanket and then putting it down and laughing, waiting for us to say "Peek-a-boo"!
You are very inquisitive of other kids now, Hunter! You often have to get right up into the thick of things, to see what other boys and girls are playing with and doing. Although a few seconds after I took this photo below, your little buddy Anthony put his hand on your shoulder and you started crying. You're still a little unsure!

Hunter, you epitomize the typical little boy. You are always on the move and can not sit still. You climb on and over your toys, try to climb furniture and are inquisitive about anything and everything. Your Playskool "tent" is your most favorite toy and you crawl into it often, to play with a toy or gnaw on a book. There are baby gates up all over the house to keep you sequestered in the baby-proofed living room. You aren't allowed in the kitchen anymore unless we take the dog's water bowl off of the floor cuz you've now claimed it as one of your toys--you happily splash away in it! And the dog food can no longer stay on the floor if you are in the kitchen, becuz you ended up sampling a few kernels of it last week. ;-)

You can stand on your own so well and then slowly lower yourself back down to a sitting position. Mommy and Daddy's friend, Mindy, was so surprised at your control. You have tried to take a step away from the couch/toy but then let yourself drop. I don't think you are quite ready to walk yet, but, I feel it's only a matter of time. You crawl super fast, often moving quicker than anyone anticipates!


Mommy is bringing you to the doctor's for your nine month visit this week, but we know already that you weigh 22 lbs. Our big boy! I can't wait to see how tall you are, too.

And this was a total accident, but you blew your nose into a tissue this month! You and Mommy both ended up with some wicked colds that had us both stuffed up and filled with lots of snot. Yuck. Mommy often came at you wielding a tissue, and once when you tried to get me away, you blew hard--right into the tissue! I managed to get you to do it two more times. I know it was a fluke, but it was a funny one, silly boy.

No more baby bath seats in the tub, little man! Starting this month, Mommy sits you in the tub like a big boy and you love to chew on your rubber duckies and crawl around in the water to get what you want. You have no fear of water!
Another thing Mommy needs to point out? You are SO impatient! That's a trait you've inherited from Daddy. If you can't reach a toy that you want, you "throw a tantrum". We've gotten good at ignoring the "fake" cries and then you immediately stop when you don't get the attention from it. Crazy kid.
Hunter, you are an amazingly handsome, smart and silly nine month old boy. We love you with all our hearts! Watching you grow has been the most amazing thing that's ever happened to us. Love you, bubs.
Mommy and Daddy