I had a rough week. But I'm happy to say it seems to be ending on a lighter note.
Just lots going on, lots of life stress, money stress, baby stress, toddler stress, friend stress...and not a great system for me to work through it all when I'm so hormonal and tired and blah.
Tuesday morning I stood in the shower, fighting back the tears as the water pounded down on me, feeling so exhausted and fatigued I just wanted to cry my heart out. I know I'm pregnant, and also working part time and chasing after a toddler and trying to keep our house from turning into a scene out of Hoarder's, but this fatigue was different. It just felt bone-weary, like my limbs were heavy and leadened. It wasn't simply a matter of being sleepy-tired, ya know? Anyway, I got out of the shower and proceeded to blow dry my hair and I was shaking like a leaf, heart racing, feeling a tightness in my chest a little similar to either anxiety or when I drink too much caffeine. I lifted my arm up above my head holding the blow dryer and had to keep lowering it back down, it felt like lifting a lead weight. I sat down on the side of the tub a couple of times to try to catch my breath, sweating, and finally giving in to tears.
I finally called my boss and told her I wasn't coming in and then i called my OBGYN to see if this warranted a visit or if I should just suffer through it. I admitted to the nurse I did have ea lot of sugar the past two days so maybe that was the reason? She said it could be sugar shock, or maybe I was anemic, but obviously she couldn't say over the phone. I was not hungry but figured shaking like that I should probably eat. So after the nurse told me they couldn't squeeze me in till 3:45pm (it was 11am) and that if I felt worse, to not be afraid to go to the ER, I went out and to the kitchen and had a granny smith apple and some cheddar cheese. Then I sat my hiney on the couch and even after getting Hunter up from his nap, I let him play on the floor while I laid back and tried to relax and slow down my pounding heart.
Of COURSE by about 3pm I finally started to feel better and by the time we made it to the doctor i was feeling much better, albeit STILL utterly exhausted. The doctor had me do bloodwork for mono, Lyme and something else...NONE Of which I figured was my problem. I personally think it could have been an anxiety attack. I've never been anemic before so I have no idea what that feels like, and I have nothing to base it on. So all week I've been tired, cranky, irritable, crying nonstop and snapping the heads off of anyone who got in my way: Daryl, my Mom, Hunter (although I tried to have MUCH more patience with him) and Tucker (our doggie).
But I'm happy to say as of today, Friday, I'm feeling MUCH BETTER! Not quite as tired, not quite as overwhelmed (although don't get me wrong, the stressors in my life have not gone anywhere) and not quite as MEAN to my family. Heh heh. Even Daryl said he noticed a difference last night, cuz he's been trying to get me to calm down and relax ALL WEEK.
So I spoke to a patient at my work who I have a very friendly relationship and she reminded me of something that I think I now often forget about it:
To take care of myself.
I admitted it is hard, once you've donned the cap of wife and mother, to make yourself a priority anymore. And I'm not even talking about just having a social life (which I no longer have) but I am not eating as well as I should be and I am very upset with myself cuz not only is that not benefiting me but I worry about Avery too. I have a hard time getting in enough fruits and veggies and healthy food.
And I don't ever give myself a BREAK. It's go, go, go all the time vacuuming, doing laundry, washing dishes, feeding and bathing Hunter, running to work, back home, eat dinner, checking up on Daryl's day and asking him if he took his diabetes meds (yes, I know he's my hubby and not my child, but I worry SOOOOO much about his health), clean up the dinner mess and then rinse and repeat all the housework before falling exhausted into bed. I can't even remember the last time I've read a BOOK, something I never thought I'd give up. I cry a LOT, feeling overwhelmed by it all. When does it get easier? Is it just the pregnancy hormones exacerbating everything?
I'm just so...very...tired. And I know that's not gonna get any better once a newborn is thrown into the mix but I just have to start making myself a priority again too!
WHY is this so hard to do??