Thursday, January 20, 2011

I've been a little scarce around these bloggin' parts lately.

Life hasn't been easy.

We are currently in the process of moving. Moving, while eight months pregnant, royally sucks. Moving, with an active almost 18-month old getting into everything, also is not the smoothest way to do it.

However, I could easily live with both of those things if we were moving becuz we WANTED to. We're moving becuz we just can't afford the house anymore, and the upkeep that goes into owning a home. Money has definitely been tight ever since Hunter was born (oh, who am I kidding, before that even...but that was our own fault for not being very responsible with our finances) and it's certainly been a struggle.

But, laying awake at night for hours, your brain whirling around with thoughts of losing your home and a roof over your family's head? Well, that sucks the most. I know that's putting it mildly, but I figured out a while ago if I didn't make a joke out of it, I'd cry nonstop. (And there definitely were some days where I felt like that's ALL I did.)

Coming to the decision, though, was NOT an easy one. Looking at our little Cape, and the memories that have been built here, make me so very sad to leave on the terms that we are. I thought for sure when we eventually moved out of here that it would be a joyous occasion and it's started out as anything but.

I bought this house as a single, excited (but scared shitless) young twenty-something with no one's guidance but my own...feeling so immensely proud of the biggest decision I'd EVER made and knowing I'd done it all myself. I became a grown-up in this house. I met my Big D in this house, when he came to pick me up for our first (AWESOME) date....brought him home and pretty much, he never left. ;-) This home has seen so much sadness, but just as much, if not more, LOVE. Daryl and I laid in bed together that first night after realizing that a piece of paper said we were legally husband and wife, giggling like schoolkids and thinking how "funny" it sounded. We came home, exhausted but happy, me still poufy in my wedding dress that early evening after our actual wedding and drank wine/beer with friends and chowed down on pizza...then after everyone left and the beautiful silence set in, my hubby and I sat around in our pj's, looking at the mounds of gifts piled high in our little living room, feeling so blessed and smiling those silly grins at each other. We conceived both of our children in this house that had become our HOME. Brought Hunter home from the hospital, all tiny and wrinkled and sweet, and proudly showed him off to our family, friends, and our neighbors across the street. Watched Tucker grow from a little yellow bundle of puppy fluff into the big blockhead he is now, as he happily raced around our backyard each season. Made great friends with three of the neighbors who surround our home. We've poured a lot of blood, sweat and (money, LOL) tears into this house. And while it definitely has had it's faults, we wouldn't be the family we are today if NOT for the memories made within these walls.

I'll never forget the flooding basement (hearing Daryl step off the bottom step, followed by a SPLASH and "Son of a bitch!!!") and watching from the top of the basement stairs as the shop vac and a lone sneaker floated by. The field mice who so valiantly tried to take over our house (and washing machine!) and made me so crazy that I literally locked all three of my cats in the kitchen one night praying they'd catch them (and they didn't)! The cracked pipe that spewed raw sewage into my basement as my then-only-3 month of a boyfriend held his hands cupped over it trying to stop the flow, and dry-heaving while my mouth hung up in horror. Watching in shock as Daryl practically held the roof of the sun porch up with his bare hands, becuz when he'd taken out the door, the crumbling wood had finally given free! Crying some nights endlessly, as I missed my Dad and wished so hard he could see how far I'd come. Family dinners around our crappy, chipped and chewed up (courtesy of Daisy) table, dinners that weren't always easy with some of those family members stressing us out, heh. Arguments, tears, making up with Daryl and telling each other we love each other, and him kissing me goodbye every morning at the Cape's front door. Pacing the floors with a newborn, some days bawling my eyes out myself and watching my son grow and thrive.

The good, the bad, the ugly...all of it woven together into the tapestry of our home.

And now, we're leaving it.

But I have to acknowledge that it's not all bad. I've slowly come to the realization that this will be good for us. We will be renting Daryl's grandma's house at the lake, a place Daryl used to live for years and a place I've happily spent the last few summers sun-tanning and swimming in the lake's cool water. Yes, the bedrooms are not big and the two kids will have to share a room, but the additional living space more than makes up for that. The endless windows downstairs that spill in the sunshine. The joy I see in Hunter's face as he races from one end of the house to the other, giggling as his voice echoes and bounces happily around in the high ceilings.

Daryl and I will be sharing the bedroom that used to be his, the room that I remember sleeping in as a newly dating couple and snuggling together in his full size bed, thinking how lucky I was and how I was going to marry this man someday.

So, despite the stress of moving, and all the endless cleaning I've had to do (Daryl's grandma and Dad, who sometimes stayed there are NOT good house cleaners), and chasing after Hunter as he raced across newly mopped floors in his sock-feet, the end of pregnancy fatigue threatening to drag me down...I keep plugging through it. I keep at it becuz I know once it's all over, we can finally settle down and get our lives back on track. We've already made some changes in how we deal with the finances and Daryl and I both are happy with it. We have big plans for the future and for our children's lives.

No matter WHERE we are living, we will still keep this family thriving and happy! Home is what you make of it, right?


Sarah R said...

I'm sorry you have to move! I'm sad for you. You're right though, home is what you make of it. Good luck with your move.

~**Dawn**~ said...

I know the circumstances aren't what you might choose, but just think of all the unknowns you couldn't have predicted when you moved into this house. Think of all the wonderful parts you wouldn't trade for anything in the world. And just know that you'll have more of those moments, ones you can't even dream of yet, but will be just as precious to you. You're bringing your *home* with you, even if it's housed inside different walls.

CanadianMama said...

I'm sorry you have to move BUT, house at the lake - sounds wicked!!
And how did you get to be 32 weeks already!!!

Robyn said...

Good luck with the move, I know it is a bummer, but hopefully it will be for the best.

Heidi Renée said...

It sounds like you made the best choice for all of you. And wow, there are almost four of you! It feels like you just announced your pregnancy.

Emily said...

Hubby and I just made the decision that within the next year or two we are going to sell our house and look for a bigger one. We just are running out of room, but it's still a scary idea!! But as you said, I truly believe you are home wherever your family is!

Good luck and the new place sounds magical!

Kat said...

Oh April, that is so hard. I am so sorry that you have to leave your beloved first home. So many memories there. I can imagine how hard it is.

That being said, I really and truly believe that everything happens for a reason. I think the lake house sounds wonderful! And who knows where it will take you from there. Life is just full of possibilities. I really think you are doing the right thing for your family. It could just be the best thing that ever happened.

Flea said...

You're going to be just fine. You came to the realization and made the decision instead of having it forced on you. We had to foreclose on our first ever home. Bankruptcy, actually. Had two kids there. Moved from beautiful Virginia to ugly Florida. Not by choice. You're doing the right thing, though. Sounds wonderful. :)

Bekah said...

Oh April, I know the feelings you are describing so so so well. It is so hard to leave a place that, despite its imperfections, feels like home. But if I have learned anything with all the house problems we had in the last year, it is that home is not a structure. Home is where you are. Its cliched, but it is a cliche for a reason. I hope the move goes well, and you can start living in your new home with your sweet family