Started my morning off with little girl projectile-pooping on my bed during an early morning diaper change. This is the second time now she's done this to me (spraying her jammies, swaddle blanket and MY blanket) so you'd THINK I'd be quicker and would have learned my lesson by now. Nope.

But it was okay, cuz it came after a consecutive FIVE HOURS of sleep! Yay! Go, Avery!! Let's hope it wasn't a fluke thing.

Anyway, my babies are a handful but I certainly love the heck out of them! Despite his constant tantrums with me, Hunter loves his little sister and always wants to gently touch her head (occasionally he tries to stick his finger in her mouth so I have to redirect him!) and he coos to her in a tone that sounds VERY similar to what his Mommy uses. ;-)

Avery is now growing out of her newborn clothes and in diapers we've finally switched over to the Size 1's. She is so much more alert and awake a lot more during the day, content to watch everyone. She seems to especially like to look towards the bright windows (we don't have any blinds or curtains up yet in the all the windows facing the lake). So far, she doesn't seem super fond of her swing which sucks for Mommy. Sometimes I need a break! And I now laying in her pack-n-play isn't' the most stimulating so we've started belly time. Again, not her favorite, but we're working on it.

Unfortunately, Avery seems to be VERY gassy and I'm a little confused becuz some of the days it seems the worst, I have NO IDEA what I ate that could have caused it. But we had a similar problem with gas with Hunter so I will just try to keep track of what I eat, to see if there is one thing in particular that's upsetting her belly!

Both kids have been super needy lately. Obviously, the newborn, but also Hunter. He is slooooowly adjusting to the fact that he is s not numero uno child in the house anymore. Some days are much harder than others. And of course it's the age he is at. He's into EVERYTHING...and I do mean everything. He is tall enough to get into our junk drawer and is constantly running around with pens and sharpie markers (which isn't horrible) but then one day he came walking out with a pair of scissors clutched in his determined little fist and I almost had a heart attack on the spot! And we now have to keep the bathroom door closed at all times cuz a certain little man is fascinated with the toilet. He is SO ready to start potty training...he's given us lots of signals. I feel bad that we haven't been able to focus on it yet. He said "Pee-pee!" the other day and started yanking at the crotch of his diaper so we rushed him in there and I was happy to see he had a dry diaper so I thought "This just might work!" as he tried to climb onto the toilet. Daryl and I took turns sitting him on the toilet seat but he is definitely nervous about falling in! And he doesn't want to sit on his baby potty on the floor, he WANTS to sit on the regular toilet seat, so this week I gotta find one of those baby sized toilet seats to go over ours, so we can start focusing more on potty training.

Annnnnnnnd.....things have been a little tense between me and Daryl. :-( I know the stress of a new baby is hard enough sometimes, and then throw in the fact of a constantly crying-meltdown-having little 20 month old, coupled with Mommy's raging hormones and stress...well, we haven't exactly been very nice to each other lately. I've tried to not let it get to me but it's not easy. I sometimes just want to feel the support and calming presence of my husband when he comes home from work but when he immediately loses his patience with me becuz I'm throwing a baby at him, moaning about the fact that I haven't showered in days and the house is a mess, or Hunter is wigging out...well it's not there. i know this is just a bump in the road and that we'll get through it, but it's been so very hard on me emotionally, mentally, sometimes feeling like I'm ALL ALONE. I know I'm not, deep down, and I realize that he is dealing with his own type of stress, but I just wish I had a little more EMOTIONAL support lately, or even just a little empathy. And now I feel super needy and stupid having typed this because I don't mean to make it sound like he is not helpful. But I just need to vent/purge, I think or I'm going to lose it. I've had quite a couple of crying jags lately but they seem to come when I've reached my absolute limit of holding so much stress inside. And the ironic part is you'd think I'd be HAPPY to go back to work, with how crazy it's been at home, but I'm sad about that as well! My maternity leave will be over in like 3-5 weeks (Daryl wants me to go back at 6 weeks due to money, and I want to go back at 8 weeks--cuz I'm majorly stressed about not having enough pumped milk in the freezer yet and that we will end up having to supplement with formula which is fine except I worry my milk will dry up--hence the reason I have NO IDEA yet of when I will go back.) SO that's another thing making me crazy lately.

And I have practically NO TIME to pump. I maybe manage 1-2 times a day which is NO WAY to build up my frozen supply! But it's nearly impossible lately. Avery can sometimes go 2-4 hours before a feeding but often times she is eating EVERY HOUR. So just when I finish feeding her and try to get her down in pack-n-play so I can sit down to pump, Hunter needs a diaper change or breakfast/lunch/snack or Avery needs a diaper change or SOMETHING happens to interrupt. So, I'm frustrated about that. Formula is SO freakin' expensive and I'd like to not to have to buy it until I'm no longer nursing. *SIGH*

Because I don't want to leave this post on such a downer note, here are some pics of when Hunter helped his Mommy bake cookies last week!

And this little girl determined that chocolate chip cookie-flavored breast milk was waaaaaay too gassy for her. Although, it probably didn't help that Mommy ate like EIGHT of them.

Since Avery was born about 2 1/2 weeks ago, there have been some really tough days. But at the same time, there have been some moments of "I CAN do this." and "I feel like Super-Mom today!"

Well, the other day was definitely one of the toughies. I had an official "Bad Mommy" day...but it wasn't having to do with the newborn. It was with the toddler.

Lack of sleep, a baby hanging off my boob what feels like 24 hours a day, a horribly messy house, an utterly ANNOYING whining, pacing dog with anxiety problems coupled with a (what feels like 24 hour) tantrum-throwing 20 month old finally took it's toll and I just EXPLODED.

Hunter is in a tantrum phase. I use the word "tantrum" loosely. I've actually videotaped him a couple of times (so that when I start to feel sad about not having any more kids, I can play the video back. Heh.) and it's crazy to watch. We're talking sometimes 5-10 straight minutes (with little catch-your-breath moments here and there) of screaming, crying, tears, banging his head repeatedly on the hard wood floor, flinging his body across the floor at my feet, throwing anything I try to hand him, wanting to be picked up even if I have just yelled at him...UTTER CRAZINESS.

And the day before yesterday, I just completely lost it. Hunter did this ALL DAY LONG and I found myself screaming at him ALL DAY LONG. Instead of redirecting him like I normally try to do during a particularly bad tantrum, I often completely ignored him and attempted not to cry hysterically. As he climbed all over me on the couch while I struggled to keep Avery attached to my boob and on the boppy, I frantically bit my lip to hold it all in--sometimes without success. I repeatedly tapped his little hiney when he climbed the tv stand, stole my cell phone and ran from me with it, dug his hands into the garbage can...and tried to block out the sound of his cries and the tears that rolled down his round cheeks.

It was a very, very bad day.

And then the next day hit and it suddenly dawned on me. These tantrums weren't just Hunter's normal run-of-the-mill meltdowns. (He IS also sick right now with a nasty cold but it wasn't even just from THAT.) I started to realize that they often struck when I was "busy" with the baby, whether it be nursing or changing her diaper or just talking to and kissing her sweet little cheek.

"Oh, so he's jealous of the baby." My mom said yesterday when she came over for a visit and I explained my thoughts to her.

No, jealous is not the word. Hunter LOVES his baby sister! He constantly wants to stroke her fuzzy-soft hair, stroke her cheek or lay his body/head beside (on top of! LOL) hers and say "Baby!". He wants to give Avery her binky, a blanket, a clean diaper, a toy CONSTANTLY.

But he is having a little trouble adjusting to the fact that Mommy (and Daddy and Nana) are not all his own, now. And now that I'm realizing that, it kills me how I reacted the day that I had my Mommy-meltdown. I yelled at my sweet baby boy when all he wanted was to cuddle me, touch me, love me...and for that I feel like the worst Mom in the world.

I've since tried to make it up to him by giving him as much attention as I can muster, no matter how tired or cranky I may be. Instead of holding Avery's sleeping form in my arms, I put her into the pack-n-play and bear-hug my boy, and pretend to cook in his toy pans and tell him "Who loves you?? Mommy!" as he laughs and presses his cheek against my lips for a smooch.

But I can't get over this guilt of feeling spread thin now. I know it will get easier. In my brain, I know this. But in my heart, I feel badly for the piece of me that is no longer available becuz it's now divided up, like pieces of a pie, between my son and my daughter.

How do I get over this feeling of having failed my son? Will it ever go away or will I ALWAYS feel like one of my kids is getting gipped?

And I'm sure my damn hormones aren't helping me in this matter. *SIGH* God, I can't wait to stop feeling like a crazy, emotional wreck.