This is so strange to me.

Me...the girl who is jonesing mid-way through August for Christmas season. 

In the family who eagerly awaits Thanksgiving, not just for the turkey, but for the day AFTER the turkey so that we can go cut down our fresh tree!

April, the girl who will listen to Christmas carols all season long (and even has a slightly hard time saying "good-bye" to those cd's the day after).

The Mama who has been SO EXCITED to share Christmas this year with BOTH of her babies.

I am having a hard time feeling the

spirit of the season.

Our tree is up and decorated (and watching my son giggle and smile as he put ornament after ornament on the same branch--making us adults giggle) and it is beautiful to me, if a tad barren of ornaments. I couldn't find some this year, due to our move last January.

 

Extra lights are lit around the house. 

Stockings are hung by the chimney with care (well, the kids are anyway. Mom's and Dad's is still on order. Had to get new stockings this year cuz ours got ruined in a wet basement over the summer).

I'm already planning out which cookies and treats to bake this year.

But I'm just not feeling it, for some reason. And I have no idea why! Still lots of gifts left to get, and it's slow-going becuz as usual, we are broke. But honestly, that's not what's bothering me. I know that the gifts will all come together. They always do!

Maybe it's due to the depressing news on TV and online? The horrible stories I keep reading of mother's killing their babies, and criminals stealing from hard-working people trying to make ends  meet?  And knowing there are so many people out there without families or even homes this time of year?

That probably doesn't help the way I feel.

It's almost like a feeling of "unsettled-ness". I know that's not a word, but I'm coining it now so you get where I'm coming from. I know it's still technically early in the month so I can only hope that as the days fly by, some of the Christmas-y feeling starts to permeate my veins.

I can hope.

Lately, things have been tough.

I've had some not-so-pleasant-Mommy-moments that I'm actually quite disappointed in myself over. I've apologized countless times to Hunter, after losing my patience with him.  And had to pass Avery off to her Dad or Nana, quite a few times lately cuz I just can't take it.

Avery recently cut her top four teeth (in addition to the two on the bottom that she already had) and throw in about five days worth of horrendous gas? And seasoned with a splash of separation anxiety? Makes for ONE EXTREMELY upset baby. She shrieks and screams and if I walk to the kitchen to get a glass of water (she can see me...the living room/dining area/kitchen is all open to each other) she does this crazy, frantic crawl with limbs smacking the hardwood floor, as she races as fast as her little body will take her, all the while bellowing the most hideous baby cries ever. Seriously, it sounds like someone is beating her!

And Hunter, Hunter, Hunter...I had hoped you would avoid the dreaded "Terrible Two's" that everyone told me about. That was SO wishful thinking.   You want what YOU want, when YOU want, no questions asked. And if you can't communicate your thoughts to me (or if Mommy just can't understand what you're saying) then it's meltdown-city.  And it doesn't matter if we're in the living room, grocery store, pulic restroom at Target or a friend's house. I've even resorted (more often than I'd like) to bribery BEFORE the bad behavoir happens, just to do what I have to do sometime. (Munchkins in the stroller while frantically shopping for a birthday present at Kohl's for a party we're going to.)

There are some afternoons where I feel like all I've done is yell all day or I find myself often doing my "crazy laugh" to keep from bursting into tears.

But that bad is almost immediatley followed up by all the good. And it makes it all SO worthwhile.  Driving to my mom's on a work day and listening to my son chatter happily, endlessly, "Mama, look!" and pointing out the moon to me and how we go "night-night" when the moon comes out at night.  And watching him and Avery play toys so nicely and hearing, quite suddenly and unprompted from Hunter; "Sissy, I love you!" It took all I had not to melt into a messy, emotional, happy pile of goo on the floor. And seeing my daughter's cheesy, eager grin now full of teeth!  Watching her pull herself up to a standing position, so confidently.  Recieving messy, wet kisses from both of my kids, at unexpected moments. Just becuz they love me.

These children of mine, they give me purpose and determination, to be the best mother and PERSON I can be. I want to be a role-model and teach them manners and to respect their elders and to be good people themselves. I want them to know it's ok to make mistakes, cuz lord knows, Mommy makes quite a few of them.  And most of all, I want them to have fun, love freely...and of course, BE SILLY!