Saturday, March 03, 2012

Stuff no one ever told me BK (before kids):

1. That your sweet gem of a daughter would not only take a HUGE crap in the tub her brother and she had just settled into but then while Mommy frantically scrubbed the tub and refilled it...she would then continue to take another crap, and a pee, on the bathroom floor and clean outfits all while strutting around naked and dancing to Sarah McLaughlin. At least the kid's got good musical taste.

2.  That nothing would ever gross you out anymore, even your toe sliding into baby poop or your son projectile-vomiting on your clothes.

3.  That some days you would subsist on nothing but a handful of goldfish crackers, 3 cups of coffee and bites of your child's uneaten macaroni and cheese.

4.  That while one child napped and the other was transfixed by Mickey Mouse on TV, you'd have to scrub in the shower like your life depended on it in five minutes flat (and this from a former 30-minute-long-showering-chick).

5.  That you and your husband would now casually talk about children's bodily fluids and rashy-private parts as easily as you used to discuss what take-out you wanted for dinner or what movie you'd go see on a Friday night.

6.  That you would go to bed by 9:00pm every night...and LIKE IT.  Aaaaahhhhh, dear sleep, I will take you as I can get you!

7.  And while we're on the subject of it...that 2 years of lack of sleep would SERIOUSLY turn you into a crazy lady who should be locked up in a straight jacket in  padded cell. I scare my husband sometimes.

8.  That once you have kids, the days of browsing leisurely in a store are long gone. No more hours of window-shopping, trying on clothes, rubbing lotion samples into your well-moisturize d hands. Now it's Run-through-Target-with-a-one-year-old-hanging-out-of -your-arms-throwing-her-bottle-on-the-floor-as-your-two-year-old-leaps-from-front-of-the-carriage-to-back-as-you-hurriedly-through-diapers/formula/tissues/whatever-in-the-cart-and-race-out-of-the-store.

9.  That as soon as you get a gift card for your birthday/Christmas or an extra twenty bucks in your pocket, you instantly are thinking of ways to spend it on...your children.

10.  That you'd find yourself humming/singing/jamming out to a Mickey Mouse clubhouse tune in your head....WHEN YOU ARE ALONE.

11. That some days you would excitedly LOOK FORWARD to going into work...who knew??

12. That despite all the crazy, gross, silly, unbelievable things you may would NEVER, EVER trade it for anything else in the world!

Just a disclaimer, I didn't put them in the dog's cage. They went in willingly. The crazy kids LIKE IT.


Kat said...

Hahahaha! SO TRUE!!!! I relate to every word of it.
And what is it with little girls pooping in the tub? None of my boys did that my my little "lady" did. I thought boys were supposed to be the gross ones. ;)
Ahhh... parenthood. :)

Anonymous said...

Two years with no sleep? Pthhpt, you've got it easy, lady! =)

And I REFUSE to go to bed early. It is my only alone time. Granted, I don't have a job to go to in the morning - if I did I may have to force an early bedtime.

Oh, and I send hubby e-mails about the bodily fluids, mostly because the girls spend half the day screaming at me about it ("Mommy, I made a HUGE DOODY and it broke in half!")