It's been a rough two weeks.
Lots of stuff going on in my corner of the world, both good and eh.
Medical issues with my mom, missing a couple of days of work (and therefore missing some $$$$), pissed off friends (this deserves a post all it's own), sickness in my family (holeeeeee CRAP, am I sick of snot, or what?? But also proud to say my 17 month old little diva blows her nose--with Mommy holding the tissue--waaaaaaay better than some kids I know double her age! Yes, the strange things we Mommies are proud of...), out of town house guests who I reeeeeeally missed, getting my bow-crafting back on after an annoying hiatus, a big boo-boo screw up in the checking account (my fault...SIGH), worry over a husband who doesn't take proper care of HIS health, an 87 year old Grandma-in law who is living with us for the summer (and driving me insane) and bratty, bratty toddlers!
Doesn't that sound swell?
And amidst it all, I just keep bottling up any stress and anxiety I feel, knowing that those little bubbles would eventually rise up to the surface and burst (okay, ERUPT) from the bottle that is ME. Yes, today was that day. When Avery was down for a nap and my husband, son and GIL left to go pick up steaks and some fresh corn for a little family shindig dinner at our house today, I was scooping up the cordless phone into my sweaty, dirty (I needed a shower) fingers and hastily dialing the numbers before the car had even cleared the edge of the driveway.
"Mom? What are you up to?" My voice trembled on the last word. And I just suddenly let LOOSE with all my anxiety, all my stresses, all my worries and anger at certain people...letting it all gush out of me with the violent turbulent force of a swirling, raging rapid. I cried and gasped and said how much I was "Sick of it! So fucking sick of it all!" and listened to my mom give some much-needed and wanted words of advice.
And then once it was all out, and I came to the realization that maybe I DID need a little bit of help (despite my resistance to taking any kind of pills anymore), it was like a small, promising chip was knocked out of that huge weight on my shoulder. Something to help "take the edge off" and to help me get through when too much has become TOO MUCH.
And another realization. I need to start asking for help more. Saying "NO" more. Taking care of myself MORE (and that's saying a lot, since I haven't really been taking care of myself at ALL). Make time for a ME-TIME more even if that is just reading a couple of chapters on my kindle, or sipping on a glass of red wine while staring out at the soothing lake waters. STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK and realize that MY family comes first, plain and simple. My family will ALWAYS come first.
And love on these little people so much more.
I feel like I take them for granted and that makes me feel like a shitty mother. I've been hearing so much lately (from friends, strangers, blog posts, Internet articles) that it goes by "so fast" and to cherish the moments I do have with my children before they grow up!
I vow to kiss more cheeks (is that possible? I DO kiss them an awful lot), color more pictures, stick more stickers, dance more crazy jigs in the kitchen, enjoy MORE "everyday" moments.
And one more thing? It's time to feel like ME again. I know I've said this before but I'm reaching the end of my rope here...I need ME back. I need kick-boxing and dates with my hubby (who I barely ever get to see) and coffee dates with my friends and window-shopping at the mall and walks in the late summer-early fall sweetness of air.
I need it all. I need me.
I need my family.
I need relief.